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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

how to exit toxic work situation gracefully?

205 replies

buttheydo · 16/09/2018 09:21

Really feeling weird and blindsided by work situation. Am a little embarrassed to share with too many real-life people so hoping for a perception check here?

I am a lawyer working for a charity. Been working at this place for nearly five years. It's chaotic but well-resourced so as long as I can "manage" my chaotic boss it's a place where I can do a lot of good work for clients (public welfare law).

There is a loooot of turnover due to chaotic manager. In early spring of this year a senior person left and I took over all of her cases (in a niche/specialist area). No hand-over or orientation and the cases were in a bit of a mess but I've handled it (patting self on back). Predecessor left because workload was impossible.

I have once or twice had to talk to my boss about capacity but it's shut down and once she even said, "You're refusing to do work." I tried to have an informal chat with our CEO but he just said my boss was "trying to help me". That's when my job search began.

Back in June I was assigned an urgent case with an impossible deadline. There was literally no way to get it to the court in time. I suggested submitting it late with an explanation for the delay but I was just shot down. I suggested a certain shortcut (doing something myself and cutting out a contractor) and put that suggestion in an email (having an instinct to cover my arse), and then managed to submit the bundle at court in time (you're welcome).

After that I did try and have a talk with another manager about how unsafe it was to work that way and could we perhaps get a better system in place (which we have).

Things were actually going well for the last few months, and then I got an amazing job at an amazing firm. I accepted, and then came back in from a long weekend and asked to see my boss to have the bittersweet "thanks and I'm leaving" conversation. The new job is due to start in December so a nice long hand-over.

Was ambushed by an aggressive meeting with boss when I returned from leave. Evidently the rush case in June has blown up because contractor was mad that we did a shortcut and cut him out. It's absolutely my fault because I didn't check with anyone. (I pointed out that I'd run that shortcut by boss but it's still all my fault.)

The meeting was padded out with other criticisms like, "While you were away we got a notice of adjournment but there was no information on why you requested an adjournment!" I said, "I'm sure I put something in the casenotes," and she said, "Well yeah, further down in the casenotes, I had to look for it!"

In another file she found evidence that I hadn't submitted to the court for an appeal. I had a file note saying "this evidence not submitted to court because X" but evidently she didn't believe my note? So she "had to" spend three hours searching my emails to confirm that the evidence really didn't need to be at court. When I gently pointed out that she could have saved herself the trouble by just ringing me (I'd said I was available by phone) she explained that was an outrageous suggestion. (The case is absolutely fine.)

There were also some technical billing things that she hadn't told me about before, yet she said she had. I took the line of, "I don't see that you've told me about this before but okay, let me know what the steps are ..."

It ended with her saying I was no longer allowed to work on these niche cases and I had to take over other work. So then I said thanks for the feedback and I had a new job and my last day would be mid-December.

She's now taken personal leave for at least the next week. The other supervisor has sheepishly asked me to continue working on niche cases (no one else can do them).

My question/dilemma: how to sail through these last three months? The irrational behaviour of boss has really creeped me out and it does not feel like a safe/honest/normal place anymore. I fear that I am going to get set up/scapegoated for things and my reputation will take a hit. It is actually hard to think and function.

Options:

  1. Attempt again to have conversation with CEO about bullying? And request gardening leave for the last few weeks of job?
  1. Not bother with wimpy CEO and just tell them I've changed my mind and am giving my thirty-day contractual notice? And let them suffer? (And live off savings for the month or so I'll be unemployed?) An advantage is that I could do some very high profile volunteer work during that unemployed period that would help my career.
  1. Other option?

I know some people would say "grievance!" "constructive dismissal!" "Employment Tribunal!" but this is a small field and I want to be seen to sail happily into a new job rather than be seen to leave my current job under a cloud.

I am also considering taking sick leave for a week as I am frankly really struggling psychologically with all this weirdness. But I am worried for my reputation.

Help?

OP posts:
babswindsor · 02/10/2018 16:32

What a great update! Best wishes

mommybear1 · 02/10/2018 16:45

OP I'm delighted for you congratulations having worked in law for too many years I know well the tendency for bad bosses to bad mouth you when you leave but you have handled the situation brilliantly I really hope the new opportunities work out well for you Thanks

AhhhhThatsBass · 02/10/2018 16:52

Also late to the party but I'm delighted with the update.
I hate so much of the nastiness I see on MN these days so this thread was uplifting. Well done, enjoy the volunteering, not to mention the contracting for the MN contact.

LakieLady · 02/10/2018 17:06

Great update, OP. Looks like you're in for an exciting time, and I'm pleased it worked out well for you.

buttheydo · 31/12/2018 06:19

Hello from the other siiiide.

Just wanted to say thanks from the bottom of my heart for all the encouraging words earlier. As someone mentioned above, being in a toxic work situation can really do a number on your confidence, and I guess your perception of reality. With time and distance I can see just how strange it is that a chaotic manager with a 100% turnover rate is allowed to continue, and everyone around is acting as though it's normal. As you can imagine there were lots of other weird things about working there, like weird sexual "jokes" among staff and unprofessional treatment of clients. When I was in the thick of it I began to wonder if it was in fact me.

For survival I had developed a "cover my ass" work mode which was really stultifying, but in the last couple of months I've been able to ease out of that and back into a normal, collegial, creative work mode.

Volunteering abroad was amazing and difficult and opened up a whole new perspective on my area of practice. I got to work with inspiring colleagues and of course we're keeping up the connection.

The contracting work through the lovely mumsnetter was an exciting new challenge, something I ended up really enjoying. (It also impressed my new boss, ha!)

I also had time to work on a couple of big pro-bono cases that let me collaborate with a barrister who's very well-known in this field. That was invigorating.

Sadly I had a close friend who needed to go into hospital over the last two months, but due to the contract work I had the flexibility to visit every day and help with rides, etc. So I was grateful for that.

I've started my new job a bit early and it's already evident how creative and positive they all are. Super professional, which is a big relief.

On the flip side I've burned through a big chunk of my Stocks-and-Shares ISA so I need to focus on saving that back up.

It helped a lot to have this outlet where I could be honest and ask for help in a semi-anonymous way.

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 31/12/2018 08:09

Have just read the whole thread. I am so pleased to see your update - fantastic news!

Angelil · 31/12/2018 10:11

What a great end to your year. Congratulations and all best for 2019!

CallingDannyBoy · 31/12/2018 10:24

Fantastic news - so glad it is working out for you. Have a great 2019

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/12/2018 10:28

Ah that’s brilliant news! Thanks for coming back to update. Always lovely to hear a happy ending. Here’s to an amazing 2019 Flowers

Sunnysidegold · 31/12/2018 10:36

I started reading this and remembered I'd read it at the time you posted.

Can i just say I am very happy things worked out for you! Well done for remaining professional and taking steps to improve your situation.

I left a jib under similar circumstances a few years ago and managed to leave with my head held high. I now work in a new place which is so different from my old one. It is such a relief to know things are handled professionally and people genuinely are wanting to keep staff happy.

Good luck in the new post and congratulations on everything you achieved this year.

MatildaTheCat · 31/12/2018 10:38

Brilliant update. Please, for the love of god tell me you are earning substantially more too? How the charity will ever recruit on such dismal salaries defies belief though you were obviously willing.

Good luck with your future.

Lougle · 31/12/2018 10:40

How exciting for you. All the best for 2019 Wine

Pachyderm1 · 31/12/2018 10:45

This is such a great new year thread! All the best for 2019

keepondreaming · 31/12/2018 10:49

So glad it all worked out - and thank you for letting us know; so often I wonder how posters got on!
Best of luck in your new job!

Biologifemini · 31/12/2018 10:53

Good news
I’d recommend writing to the Trustees rather than the CEO just put them on copy.
Summarise a couple of the issues and walk away. It will help the charity long term.
Lots of well meaning but incompetent people are attracted to this sort of work and it doesn’t do anyone any favours to indulge them.

Justaboy · 31/12/2018 10:56

Yet another example of best of british MIS managment:(

Get out whilst your still sane!

WoogleCone · 31/12/2018 11:04

I remember reading this thread initially, I'm so glad to read your update OP. Sounds like the absolute best outcome all round.

Hope the new year brings you many more wonderful things and you enjoy the new job! Wine

Loughers · 31/12/2018 11:05

Re OP's last post - can we move to the "stealth boasting?" thread please ?

thisisjustdaft · 31/12/2018 11:10

Great news OP - it is lovely to read a thread with such a positive outcome Smile

HPandBaconSandwiches · 31/12/2018 11:12

Brilliant news OP! All the best for a great new year with your new employer.

HannahnotAgnes · 31/12/2018 11:13

Well done Op - so pleased it's worked out for you. Happy New Year indeed!

TitOfTheIceberg · 31/12/2018 11:21

I missed this at the time but have just read the whole thread and am delighted for you, OP. I have been in a similar toxic work situation and the relief when I removed myself from it has been incredible. Happy New Year to you and thank you for sharing such a positive story.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/12/2018 11:22

Glad you escaped OP, and chilled yer beans in the meanwhile. :)
@FittonTowers. Similar experience to me. I worked for a women's refuge, most of the staff were great apart from the manager who was a dreadful bully. My role was funded by a well known national charity, and much of my salary (I was paid half what was allocated by them for my role) was 'diverted' shall we say. Tried to raise it with Well Known National Charity and Trustees of refuge. Not interested. That charity don't get any of my money anymore. What was doubly sad, as well as vulnerable clients in the Refuge being under the control of dreadful bully manager, many of the paid workers had previously been in abusive relationships, and had got straight into another one with the Oxygen Thief Manager. Not all abusive relationships are sexual. Sad

GoldenSyrupLion · 31/12/2018 11:23

Biscuit for Loughers.
Flowers and a Happy New Year for OP.

GreenTulips · 31/12/2018 11:34

So happy for you!

The gift of hindsight is amazing!

The experience and happiness is worth more than your savings