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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

how to exit toxic work situation gracefully?

205 replies

buttheydo · 16/09/2018 09:21

Really feeling weird and blindsided by work situation. Am a little embarrassed to share with too many real-life people so hoping for a perception check here?

I am a lawyer working for a charity. Been working at this place for nearly five years. It's chaotic but well-resourced so as long as I can "manage" my chaotic boss it's a place where I can do a lot of good work for clients (public welfare law).

There is a loooot of turnover due to chaotic manager. In early spring of this year a senior person left and I took over all of her cases (in a niche/specialist area). No hand-over or orientation and the cases were in a bit of a mess but I've handled it (patting self on back). Predecessor left because workload was impossible.

I have once or twice had to talk to my boss about capacity but it's shut down and once she even said, "You're refusing to do work." I tried to have an informal chat with our CEO but he just said my boss was "trying to help me". That's when my job search began.

Back in June I was assigned an urgent case with an impossible deadline. There was literally no way to get it to the court in time. I suggested submitting it late with an explanation for the delay but I was just shot down. I suggested a certain shortcut (doing something myself and cutting out a contractor) and put that suggestion in an email (having an instinct to cover my arse), and then managed to submit the bundle at court in time (you're welcome).

After that I did try and have a talk with another manager about how unsafe it was to work that way and could we perhaps get a better system in place (which we have).

Things were actually going well for the last few months, and then I got an amazing job at an amazing firm. I accepted, and then came back in from a long weekend and asked to see my boss to have the bittersweet "thanks and I'm leaving" conversation. The new job is due to start in December so a nice long hand-over.

Was ambushed by an aggressive meeting with boss when I returned from leave. Evidently the rush case in June has blown up because contractor was mad that we did a shortcut and cut him out. It's absolutely my fault because I didn't check with anyone. (I pointed out that I'd run that shortcut by boss but it's still all my fault.)

The meeting was padded out with other criticisms like, "While you were away we got a notice of adjournment but there was no information on why you requested an adjournment!" I said, "I'm sure I put something in the casenotes," and she said, "Well yeah, further down in the casenotes, I had to look for it!"

In another file she found evidence that I hadn't submitted to the court for an appeal. I had a file note saying "this evidence not submitted to court because X" but evidently she didn't believe my note? So she "had to" spend three hours searching my emails to confirm that the evidence really didn't need to be at court. When I gently pointed out that she could have saved herself the trouble by just ringing me (I'd said I was available by phone) she explained that was an outrageous suggestion. (The case is absolutely fine.)

There were also some technical billing things that she hadn't told me about before, yet she said she had. I took the line of, "I don't see that you've told me about this before but okay, let me know what the steps are ..."

It ended with her saying I was no longer allowed to work on these niche cases and I had to take over other work. So then I said thanks for the feedback and I had a new job and my last day would be mid-December.

She's now taken personal leave for at least the next week. The other supervisor has sheepishly asked me to continue working on niche cases (no one else can do them).

My question/dilemma: how to sail through these last three months? The irrational behaviour of boss has really creeped me out and it does not feel like a safe/honest/normal place anymore. I fear that I am going to get set up/scapegoated for things and my reputation will take a hit. It is actually hard to think and function.

Options:

  1. Attempt again to have conversation with CEO about bullying? And request gardening leave for the last few weeks of job?
  1. Not bother with wimpy CEO and just tell them I've changed my mind and am giving my thirty-day contractual notice? And let them suffer? (And live off savings for the month or so I'll be unemployed?) An advantage is that I could do some very high profile volunteer work during that unemployed period that would help my career.
  1. Other option?

I know some people would say "grievance!" "constructive dismissal!" "Employment Tribunal!" but this is a small field and I want to be seen to sail happily into a new job rather than be seen to leave my current job under a cloud.

I am also considering taking sick leave for a week as I am frankly really struggling psychologically with all this weirdness. But I am worried for my reputation.

Help?

OP posts:
MirriVan · 16/09/2018 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hotfootit · 16/09/2018 09:58

Option 2.
Have you explored starting earlier with the new job? We are always delighted when new people can start sooner.

thinkfast · 16/09/2018 10:01

Also a solicitor here.

Go with Option 2. With smiles leaving cakes and grace. Lots of I'm really going to miss you all. Never burn bridges

And see if new job want you any earlier

Giggorata · 16/09/2018 10:02

I would start with the CEO and discuss the bullying, particularly any misrepresentation of your work, and present the true picture there and then, in case records are tampered with later.

Then magnanimously offer to train a successor/work on the niche cases for the next three months, in exchange for the wonderful reference you deserve, and no further management or interference by the bully.

If they are not supportive, then I would tell the CEO that I would prefer to give the statutory notice and finish off my work, (also ensuring that the records were straight.) but that, given the unprofessional animosity, gardening leave might be the better option. I might hint at arbitration, even if I didn't intend to use it, on the grounds that the organisation has failed to protect me.

However, your lovely manager might spend that period cooking the books and tarnishing your name, if you are off....

RhymesWithOrange · 16/09/2018 10:02

Option 2. No question. But don't make a fuss with the CEO. Let them come to you if they want to.

HermioneWeasley · 16/09/2018 10:03

Get the hell out.

Letter to CEO explaining why you’re now sticking to contractual notice - examples of why risk to your professional reputation is too great now chaotic boss is trying to scapegoat you for things you have evidence they were informed about.

Ask new job if you can start sooner - usually places are delighted.

BinG0wings123 · 16/09/2018 10:06

30 days notice and do the volunteer work - better for you plus you can used he volunteer work for a refeerence in the future as your boss sounds unhinged.

Beetlegum · 16/09/2018 10:07

What a horrible situation. I’ve been in a similar place, and toxic managers pollute the whole working environment. Congratulations for getting out!
Don’t take sick leave. Your new employer will likely ask for your absence record and it may affect your new employment.
Definitely speak to CEO, but unfortunately, it sounds like they can’t afford to lose your expertise in your remaining time there, so I suspect this is off the table.
Option 2 sounds the most attractive - or maybe negotiate part time/handover contract work per hour for any time beyond the 30days? Like a PP if your boss has gone off sick, it’s possible they’ve been spoken to, or realised they’re in the do now you’re leaving, in which case, the power is yours and when they’re back, I suspect will leave you well alone.

Justabouthadituptohere · 16/09/2018 10:10

Have you discussed with the new firm bringing your start date forward? I personally wouldn’t temp in between. It doesn’t make sense.

Keep everything documented

Dorsetdays · 16/09/2018 10:10

Firstly, congratulations on the new job!

Please ignore the posters telling you to go off sick, that really doesn’t help anyone in the situation (as I’m sure you know considering it wasn’t one of the options you were considering).

Can I ask why you’ve given three months notice when only contractually obliged to give one? Is that based on when the new job starts? In which case volunteering or some temporary employment in the interim is possibly the only alternative if you don’t want your savings to take such a big hit.

OctoberNovemberDecember · 16/09/2018 10:12

Have you explored starting earlier with the new job? We are always delighted when new people can start sooner.

This.

buttheydo · 16/09/2018 10:15

Oh my goodness I am so very grateful to you all.

Option 2 it is then. :)

Many of you have affirmed my instinct: that it's not worth trying to engage with the crazy, but rather just back away slowly "making soothing noises" (love that comment). And YES to the reputational notes, even a hint of leaving under a cloud can damage a career.

New firm is national, and their local branch will not be open until mid-December. (But that said, I could offer to drive the two-hours to do some shadowing/contracting at their national hub?)

There mayyy be some contracting work I can do during the down time.

It is really really really scary to face being unemployed for a couple of months. (What if new job falls through, what if car needs new engine what if what if what if?) But on the other hand yeah, I have got to get out of there.

OP posts:
DorasBob · 16/09/2018 10:15

If I were you, I would:

  1. Work until the end of September when your Boss is back. Then use all the annual leave youve got left. Then give your 30 day notice period, leaving mid novemberish. This gives you a month off to have a rest, but won't use all of your savings
  2. Ask for a meeting with the CEO and address the issues, but in a positive 'I'm leaving because I've got an amazing opportunity but I care about the charity and these are areas I think the company needs to look at' sort of way.
  3. Cover your back massively from now on. Emails confirming everything, especially with boss.
slithytove · 16/09/2018 10:17

Option 3, sick leave until new job starts

OrdinarySnowflake · 16/09/2018 10:18

30days notice! Also might be worth telling new employer you are available earlier than you thought, and would it suit then to start you earlier? They might prefer a handover with the person you are replacing. Worth mentioning.

buttheydo · 16/09/2018 10:19

Seriously, you all, I feel a million times better. I am especially grateful that you all seem to "get" the whole issue of needing to keep up a positive appearance. When I've chatted with family members about it, they've sort of got up in arms on my behalf and said I must not stand for it, I must lodge a grievance, etc. They mean well certainly but they don't really get how it works in practice.

OP posts:
Showpony2 · 16/09/2018 10:21

Flipping hell, OP, for the sake of your sanity just give them the 30 day notice and leave. You owe them nothing. Your manager is psycho and your CEO does not give a shit about you. So much for working for a charity! I know that finances would be tight but once you start working again you will be able to save up. Save your self.

happypoobum · 16/09/2018 10:22

I would give 30 days contractual notice in writing. I would warn new employer that old employer is very upset you are leaving and offer alternative references in case of anything sinister (I have had this situation as an employer, also in very niche field and I could make my own discreet enquiries anyway)

Re money, this may sound crazy, but what is to stop you doing some part time retail work leading up to Christmas just to ensure you don't completely deplete savings? It might be fun!

I am about to do something similar so I will be watching to see what happens! Only problem is I have to give three months contractual notice Sad

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/09/2018 10:23

Like Sabine on page 1, this has all the hallmarks to me (former HR worker) of the boss being hauled over the coals and trying to transfer the blame onwards.

I think she will be off for a lot longer than the initial leave period tbh. I would be surprised if you see her again before you leave, whatever date that may be.

Who did the contractor complain to, the CEO? Somehow, it's become apparent to the (CEO, I suspect) that the manager hasn't got a grip on things. Is there a third party you could make tenative enquiries about this (that the manager has been rumbled!) or speak to the CEO yourself?

Just my reading of the situation. Congrats on the new job, OP. I can absolutely see why you'd want to leave sooner.

stressedoutpa · 16/09/2018 10:24

Option 2!

I would rise above it. You've already tried to raise it higher up without success so it is clear no one is listening. I have found that the best way to deal with toxic people is to get away from them as fast as possible.

Can you start the new job earlier?

Failing that, just chill out and have a frugal couple of months. When you start the new job make sure you start a savings cushion.

BlackberryandNettle · 16/09/2018 10:26

Option 2, the 30 days. Plus report stress due to bullying behaviour/ambush by boss and also workload in writing to HR - do you have HR? - plus CEO.

Feefeetrixabelle · 16/09/2018 10:29

I would use option 1, then wait for return of boss- she may not come back if she’s realised she’s truely fucked. If nothing improved I would hand in my revised notice from that point. And take any annual leave rather than be paid it to shorten it.

RB68 · 16/09/2018 10:30

I would recommend out asap. Time spent there will become more fraught with boss feeling undermined and unsupported if things are not handled correctly and she will become more and more unstable in decision making. You have too much to risk in terms of rep and future career - so patch deal and leave asap

grumpy4squash · 16/09/2018 10:33

I think everyone else has beat me to it! Fully agree with option 2 while smiling.

Yes, it's very scary being unemployed, but if you view it as 'between jobs' (which you would be), maybe not so much. You'll be able to replenish your savings in due course and it will all be fine.

I love your style - letting mad boss rant on, giving you negative feedback and finally withdrawing work, then replying with 'thanks for the feedback, I've got a new job....'. Brilliant :)

GreenTulips · 16/09/2018 10:33

You need a combination of sick leave holiday and notice period

Bad back or sick bugs are rife.

Take a week with each

Take a couple of weeks holiday

Recently left a job in similar circumstances and yes I smiled and waved. Job done.