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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

how to exit toxic work situation gracefully?

205 replies

buttheydo · 16/09/2018 09:21

Really feeling weird and blindsided by work situation. Am a little embarrassed to share with too many real-life people so hoping for a perception check here?

I am a lawyer working for a charity. Been working at this place for nearly five years. It's chaotic but well-resourced so as long as I can "manage" my chaotic boss it's a place where I can do a lot of good work for clients (public welfare law).

There is a loooot of turnover due to chaotic manager. In early spring of this year a senior person left and I took over all of her cases (in a niche/specialist area). No hand-over or orientation and the cases were in a bit of a mess but I've handled it (patting self on back). Predecessor left because workload was impossible.

I have once or twice had to talk to my boss about capacity but it's shut down and once she even said, "You're refusing to do work." I tried to have an informal chat with our CEO but he just said my boss was "trying to help me". That's when my job search began.

Back in June I was assigned an urgent case with an impossible deadline. There was literally no way to get it to the court in time. I suggested submitting it late with an explanation for the delay but I was just shot down. I suggested a certain shortcut (doing something myself and cutting out a contractor) and put that suggestion in an email (having an instinct to cover my arse), and then managed to submit the bundle at court in time (you're welcome).

After that I did try and have a talk with another manager about how unsafe it was to work that way and could we perhaps get a better system in place (which we have).

Things were actually going well for the last few months, and then I got an amazing job at an amazing firm. I accepted, and then came back in from a long weekend and asked to see my boss to have the bittersweet "thanks and I'm leaving" conversation. The new job is due to start in December so a nice long hand-over.

Was ambushed by an aggressive meeting with boss when I returned from leave. Evidently the rush case in June has blown up because contractor was mad that we did a shortcut and cut him out. It's absolutely my fault because I didn't check with anyone. (I pointed out that I'd run that shortcut by boss but it's still all my fault.)

The meeting was padded out with other criticisms like, "While you were away we got a notice of adjournment but there was no information on why you requested an adjournment!" I said, "I'm sure I put something in the casenotes," and she said, "Well yeah, further down in the casenotes, I had to look for it!"

In another file she found evidence that I hadn't submitted to the court for an appeal. I had a file note saying "this evidence not submitted to court because X" but evidently she didn't believe my note? So she "had to" spend three hours searching my emails to confirm that the evidence really didn't need to be at court. When I gently pointed out that she could have saved herself the trouble by just ringing me (I'd said I was available by phone) she explained that was an outrageous suggestion. (The case is absolutely fine.)

There were also some technical billing things that she hadn't told me about before, yet she said she had. I took the line of, "I don't see that you've told me about this before but okay, let me know what the steps are ..."

It ended with her saying I was no longer allowed to work on these niche cases and I had to take over other work. So then I said thanks for the feedback and I had a new job and my last day would be mid-December.

She's now taken personal leave for at least the next week. The other supervisor has sheepishly asked me to continue working on niche cases (no one else can do them).

My question/dilemma: how to sail through these last three months? The irrational behaviour of boss has really creeped me out and it does not feel like a safe/honest/normal place anymore. I fear that I am going to get set up/scapegoated for things and my reputation will take a hit. It is actually hard to think and function.

Options:

  1. Attempt again to have conversation with CEO about bullying? And request gardening leave for the last few weeks of job?
  1. Not bother with wimpy CEO and just tell them I've changed my mind and am giving my thirty-day contractual notice? And let them suffer? (And live off savings for the month or so I'll be unemployed?) An advantage is that I could do some very high profile volunteer work during that unemployed period that would help my career.
  1. Other option?

I know some people would say "grievance!" "constructive dismissal!" "Employment Tribunal!" but this is a small field and I want to be seen to sail happily into a new job rather than be seen to leave my current job under a cloud.

I am also considering taking sick leave for a week as I am frankly really struggling psychologically with all this weirdness. But I am worried for my reputation.

Help?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 25/09/2018 11:15

I wouldnpush for gardening leave, before she cones back. Document everything present it and try to get leave.

If not, then give 30 days. It sounds like a nightmare.

McWilde · 25/09/2018 11:26

Well done Op. I hope the next few months fly by for you.
Just to echo what the other poster said. I've also worked for Charities, in management roles and on the ground so to speak.
As they generally run on funding and have a need to prove to funders they are doing above and beyond to remain competitive, this can create a situation where a 'strong' - read unhinged Rottweiler - manager is put in place to drive the staff to perform miracles, who are also on crap pay.
Unfortunately this leads to staff leaving, especially the more dedicated as they try and cope with the demands and burn out.

When I read about people leaving private sector jobs to have more flexibility in the Third sector, i feel like screaming No don't do it!

TemptressofWaikiki · 25/09/2018 12:32

The worst ever job I had was working for a charity. Similarly, the direct manager was entirely incompetent and a bully. She would have never lasted in the ‘real world’ but sadly there was no real pressure on her to actually be competent. I was much younger, very naïve and full of enthusiasm of doing something worthy for a pretty crap salary. Disillusionment followed very quickly. I hang in there for a few more months and then found a job in the private sector at almost double the pay. In my exit interview, one of the most senior staff sat in and tried to lay on the guilt trio of abandoning them and implied that I was ‘greedy’ for wanting a much bigger income. I laughed cheerfully and told him that I was aware of his and his senior colleague’s salary and asked how he could reconcile their rather large pay package when everyone else was on so little money in this company. I was ushered out fairly quickly. I never used them for a reference.

buttheydo · 02/10/2018 06:30

Good morning everyone. Looking back at this, I am feeling so grateful for everyone's thoughtful and helpful comments in those difficult days. Really gave me clarity.

After the other senior lawyer (who is also the other supervisor in my department) gave notice for the end of this month, I took some time over the weekend to consider whether I still wanted to stay to the end of the calendar year after all.

And then as I was considering, out of the blue this other volunteer opportunity (in a different country) got in touch with me saying they really needed people to come out at the end of October for two weeks and was there any way I could come?

And as I mentioned before, through this very thread, a lovely Mumsnetter got in touch and we figured out that I could helpfully do some contract work for them in the next couple of months.

So that clinched it: I went in yesterday morning and gave my thirty days' notice. I was able to point to the volunteering work as the reason for changing so it was a very upbeat positive conversation.

I have sold one of my investments to tide me over until my first paycheque from new job.

I am feeling really happy and grateful for how it all turned out and I have you-all to thank. I went from feeling trapped to suddenly having 1. a once-in-a-lifetime chance to volunteer at this amazing project, and 2. interesting contract work that I didn't even know was out there.

So, thanks nerds. x

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 02/10/2018 06:40

I worked for a small charity where it was run like a private fiefdom by an entitled sexist man. The pay and conditions were good, they were trying to retain people. Didn’t work. Everybody kept leaving. I managed 11 months.

fourquenelles · 02/10/2018 06:43

Fab news. Onwards and upwards!

DamsonGin · 02/10/2018 06:53

Ace, what a great update.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2018 07:05

Brilliant! Really pleased for you. Smile

Brambleboo · 02/10/2018 07:08

Your latest update has really made me smile, OP. It's great to hear things have worked out so well.

Branleuse · 02/10/2018 07:12

Brilliant

Nacreous · 02/10/2018 07:16

Congrats! So good to be able to give a positive spin and hopefully the volunteering will be a real breath of fresh air after working in your current role!

serbska · 02/10/2018 07:16

Contractual notice period and take the mo th of unemployment / vol work.

Get out ASAP. No point raising any grievance or anything.

Will you get a proper exit interview with HR? If do during that you can be brutally honest.

Blackoutblinds · 02/10/2018 07:16

What a lovely update. Enjoy your volunteering, contracting and most of all your lovely new job.

BolleauxtoBankers · 02/10/2018 07:16

Congratulations! Enjoy the volunteering and best of luck in your new job! Worth selling an investment to feel secure and not have worries about how to survive till your next pay-cheque and also be able to take advantage of these great opportunities.

serbska · 02/10/2018 07:26

I’m late to the party. You’re going off to do vol work abroad.

Go you! Amazing!

BrisaOtonal · 02/10/2018 07:30

There is a loooot of turnover due to chaotic manager

Then it is no surprise to your boss or your CEO. You come across really well and I bet it was a coup to get someone like you but at the end of the day you are another person who has joined and is now leaving. They know why and they are not surprised, they are just not going to do anything about this. I have come across loads of companies like this. They probably won't be out to get you as it is not the firs time.

Keep your nose clean, do it by the book, take option B, cover your own butt (CYOB) and leave ASAP. Take that time to have a good time on a small budget. I bet this is actually a really good learning experience for you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger etc.

InTheNavy · 02/10/2018 07:34

Can't you approach new employer to start earlier than December eg after statutory notice to current employer?

RandomMess · 02/10/2018 07:59

Fantastic onwards and upwards!!!

VelociraptorRex · 02/10/2018 15:01

Fantastic update OP, good luck and enjoy it!
So to all those who think MN is just a hateful forum full of evil snakes - there's nice people out there too Smile so glad it's worked out well OP!

SassitudeandSparkle · 02/10/2018 15:43

Fab update, enjoy!

ShalomJackie · 02/10/2018 15:45

Brilliant update. Perhaps you can come back and tell us all about the volunteering too once you're back

Chocolala · 02/10/2018 15:51

Fabulous. Well done!

Maccycheesefries · 02/10/2018 15:59

Yay! Well done for leaving with dignity and integrity.

I got a few flexible contract jobs through this agency that someone signposted me to. It might be worth looking into for the future.

www.ten2two.org/

redexpat · 02/10/2018 16:09

Good update!

SimplyPut · 02/10/2018 16:21

Are you owed any annual leave?

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