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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

226 replies

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 22:01

Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

OP posts:
Katedotness1963 · 15/09/2018 22:06

I don’t think he should be letting himself into someone else’s home, daughter or not. And I don’t like the “I get my way or she pays more rent” attitude.

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 22:07

Is he being helpful or is he basically checking up on her?

I let houses, I would appreciate a tenant that can be trusted & would happily discount (and do for long-term tenants) if there was no chance of it falling into disrepair.

I think he needs to let her have quiet enjoyment!

PanamaPattie · 15/09/2018 22:08

She needs to move out and get away from your DH. She will be happier. He is too overbearing.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 15/09/2018 22:08

Hide his key and don’t give him yours.

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2018 22:10

He is being completely unreasonable. He’s basically saying that he wants control over her and he’s going to get that through financial leverage. If he wants any form of relationship with her in the future then he needs to back off.

safariboot · 15/09/2018 22:11

Does your DH behave the same way with his other tenants?

HolyMountain · 15/09/2018 22:11

He should give up the key and let her get on with it.

Does he always ignore what you both say to him about it?

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/09/2018 22:11

He is being unreasonable, if I were her I'd move out. How much less per month a she paying in comparison to a private tenant?

PerfectPenquins · 15/09/2018 22:12

Does she have a tenancy agreeement? He shouldn’t be doing this at all it’s a real invasion of her privacy. What if she just didn’t want to see anyone one day? If she had someone round? Your husband is being a real twat and has a creepy sense of entitlement. She won’t feel like that’s her home and if he dosnt stop she will move out with the relationship permanently damaged.

livingdownsouth · 15/09/2018 22:13

Well good luck to him maintaining a relationship with her when she does get a place that gives her independence. Well done to you OP for respecting your DDs boundaries.

WhatAPandemonium · 15/09/2018 22:13

He's being a total arse. He is also enjoying the power trip.

ElainaElephant · 15/09/2018 22:13

It's not unreasonable for him to have a key, as he owns the property.

It's completely unreasonable for him to treat it like its his home, and just let himself in whenever he wants! He's being an arse. How would he feel if his parents just let themselves into your home whether they felt like it? It's his house. It's her home!

AnoukSpirit · 15/09/2018 22:15

Well, if he wants to lose his daughter, then by all means he should continue.

Has he always been like this? "Do what I say or else."

It's not acceptable behaviour. Why does he get to overrule you? Is that normal too in your family?

The threat to increase her rent if he's not allowed to come and go in her home is disturbing. Why does he want that power? It's all so controlling and domineering. And creepy, to be honest.

He needs to stop. End of.

Seeingadistance · 15/09/2018 22:15

My opinion?

He's on a fast track to destroying his relationship with his daughter.

PawneeParksDept · 15/09/2018 22:15

He's her Landlord and she has tenants rights. Landlords can't just let themselves in unannounced

TheGateauIsInTheChateau · 15/09/2018 22:15

That’s a strange attitude, is she his “little girl”?

My PIL gave us money for our deposit, we gave them a key as they don’t live far - but more like an emergency spare key. Anyway, they kept letting themselves in while we were at work. Him doing the gardening and her tidying/cleaning... they threw away a load of stuff I had saved for an art project - I wasn’t very happy. DH changed the locks and it was never brought up again!

Iloveacurry · 15/09/2018 22:17

He wouldn’t do that to any of your other tenants would he? He’s totally in the wrong.

Starlighter · 15/09/2018 22:18

She’s 24?!?! What would your DH do if he caught her in bed with her boyfriend?!

Totally unacceptable and a complete invasion of privacy. Your DH needs some boundaries. You guys might own it but this is her home and her own private space.

LightDrizzle · 15/09/2018 22:18

He’s totally out of order.

AnoukSpirit · 15/09/2018 22:19

Oh, and you might want to suggest your daughter goes on the Freedom Programme so they can explain to her that it's not actually normal or healthy for the men in her life to control her, dominate her, and generally refuse to allow her to say no. That doing so is abuse not love.

Otherwise you're both scuppering her chances of having healthy relationships in her future by conditioning her to accept this.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

FrayedHem · 15/09/2018 22:19

I think your husband is being very unreasonable and horribly controlling. The agreement was cheaper rent so she can save for her own place. I'm assuming that your daughter is taking good care of the property and nothing was said about unannounced dropping-in from dad as being part of the conditions.

If I were your daughter I'd be looking to move asap, and you'd not be seeing much of me when I'd found my new place.

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2018 22:21

My dad had a key to me and my sisters houses and let himself in whenever he wanted. If we were in and wanted privacy we would leave the key in the lock on the inside so he took the hint. He didn't do jobs in the houses, but would walk our dogs. However, he was a great dad and grandad, babysat loads, had the dogs when we went in holiday, house sat and so much more.
If your DD is unhappy about him letting himself in, then she needs to tell him. If he refuses to hand over her key, then she should have another lock fitted!

QuizzlyBear · 15/09/2018 22:21

That's terrible behaviour and a pretty blatant abuse of power. Does he have form for this sort of financial abuse?

Holding her home over her head if she doesn't allow him unfettered and total access to her life is horrifying at this age and I echo the pp - she won't trust him with her confidence in future if he continues down this road, alienating her from you both permanently.

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 22:22

Flat is in London, she is paying the same as a cheap place up north would be, where as this is quite a prestigious London flat, so it's much cheaper. She really couldn't afford to get somewhere else and save, so we are doing it to help her out. Yes, I did think I was in the right, but part of me though maybe others would agree that it's kind of an extension to our home, so same rules, etc. apply (that's how DH views it really). No, he definitely isn't usually controlling at all, he just seems very over protective of her.

OP posts:
Aaaahfuck · 15/09/2018 22:26

He's being really disrespectful and as pp's have said on route to damaging their relationship

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