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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

226 replies

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 22:01

Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/09/2018 23:23

Do you have other concerns about him? I am really disturbed by the way he's treating her. I just can't imagine doing it. I don't even walk into their bedrooms at home without knocking and never go in if they're home for the weekend but have gone out.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/09/2018 23:25

OP you said he seems over protective of your DD, other than the flat thing what other things has he done to make you feel like this?

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/09/2018 23:25

Yes I would get the locks changed & you & DD have a key & let him know why. He can bluster all he likes!!

AngeloMysterioso · 15/09/2018 23:26

The fact that it isn’t attached to your home is irrelevant. The fact that it’s a “prestigious flat” is irrelevant. It wouldn’t be any more ok if she was living in an annex at the end of your garden. It is her home and her space and should be respected as such.

WellThisIsShit · 15/09/2018 23:26

Where was she before this?

Has she always lived under daddy-dearests-wannabe-stalker-eyes?

Or is he indulging his big dick swinging pack leader tendencies now she’s back under his control? I’m surprised he hasn’t scent marked her, as he’s doing that to the flat and everything in it.

It’s psthetic and he will lose any relationship he has with her if he carries on the ‘me grey back ape’ crap.

moredoll · 15/09/2018 23:26

His little girl has grown up and he needs to let her have her own space. I think it's a bit creepy too tbh.

butterflysugarbaby · 15/09/2018 23:27

@Whoooosaid

Agree with the majority. Weird and creepy and controlling and disturbing.

Can you not see all that OP? His behaviour is very unhealthy.

Why is he so fixated on his daughter's life? And why does he keep going into the house when she isn't there? What is he looking for? And what is he up to?

Would freak me right out! (If I was you OR your daughter!) Has he ever behaved in such a fashion before ???

FrayedHem · 15/09/2018 23:28

I bet a cheap flat up north is going to be more appealing to your daughter right now than the prestigious flat. If it had been clear from the outset this was part of the conditions, your daughter could have made an informed choice. But instead she's made plans based on being in the area, and now she has to put up with her dad and his frequent and unannounced visits.

lynmilne65 · 15/09/2018 23:29

Twat

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 23:32

You're telling me like I don't think it's wrong! I knew that I was curious how other people viewed it.

She didn't move home because she wanted her own place. We have younger DC.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/09/2018 23:33

“He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no“

You see you say he’s not controlling but that right there makes me think otherwise. I’m assuming your DD hesitated/was reluctant?

lemonsorbetinthesun · 15/09/2018 23:33

You need to sort your DH out ASAP.
Everyone should be able to feel like they don't have to lock their bedroom doors, or they can walk around naked etc etc.

Does he realise that this will really build resentment and potentially permanently damage their relationship etc because she's being treated like a child.

GreenTulips · 15/09/2018 23:33

She shouldn't have to put up with this. Did he waltz in her bedroom when she lived at home?

Who wants to be a grown up forever waiting for a parent to walk in unannounced?

Change the locks ... 'DD dropped her keys' whoops

KeiTeNgeNge · 15/09/2018 23:33

That’s not on. Either she lives there rent free and he wanders in whenever he likes or she is paying rent and is therefore a tenant and treats her like one. He doesn’t get to pick and choose from both options.

AlevelConfusion · 15/09/2018 23:34

We don't charge rent either - who rents a home they own to their child FFS?
Someone who wants their child to learn how to stand on their own two feet, maybe?

OP, have you asked him how he would feel if he walked in and she was in the bath or getting dressed etc?

Incrediblepregable · 15/09/2018 23:35

My mum did this. I moved out, far away, to an utter slum with some dear friends where it was so run down (and cheap) that neither parent would put a foot over the door. Best year of my life!

Graphista · 15/09/2018 23:36

Him being her dad isn't necessarily a barrier to him being a perv! I can assure you as one of many women with a pervy father! It's far more common than i think people realise or are willing to admit to themselves.

But even if not that motivation, it's still controlling! It's still him acting as if her rights don't matter, her sense of privacy in her OWN HOME.

"DD has said she feels the need to lock the bathroom door" sorry op but I think you need to be prepared for his motivations here being less than savoury. That seems to me like something she might say to test your reaction. Perv seeming less 'ridiculous' after that info in particular. It's likely there's been a particular incident or more than one that's led to her doing that AND telling you.

You've also not answered if he's her biological father, though being a biological father doesn't necessarily stop creeps either.

snowsun · 15/09/2018 23:36

I think your H is having trouble letting go of her.
I fear you need to have a good chat with him and make him see he is wrong.
Tell him she can't walk from her bedroom to bathroom naked in case he walks in. He's making her nervous in her own home.
He really needs to stop.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2018 23:38

Was your daughter living at home until recently, or was she living in student accommodation?

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 23:39

She was living in student accommodation and yes it's her biological father.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 15/09/2018 23:39

He should not be entering your daughter's flat without her permission. No landlord does that and landlord is what he is. If I was her I'd have another lock fitted and bolts on the inside for when she is in.

He's pulling rank by saying if she wants to take the key from him, she should pay full rent. It's bullying and unfair to your daughter. Nothing wrong with him (and/or you) having a key for emergencies but no more than that. Why don't you get hold of his key and 'los'e it?

thejeangenie36 · 15/09/2018 23:39

So my Dad has a not dissimilar situation with my sister - he doesn't own the property but does have a key and often 'popped over' to do jobs etc, often ones she didn't want doing. Basically not respecting her boundaries. He completely trashed his relationship with her, and they've been no contact for 3 months.

Rebecca36 · 15/09/2018 23:39

'lose' it

Spudina · 15/09/2018 23:39

Your husbands behaviour is beyond creepy. He is gonna to destroy his relationship with your daughter. I bet she is on edge all the time in her own home. Who could live like that? But you have let this go on. Time to put a stop to it. Now.

crimsonlake · 15/09/2018 23:39

As for charging your daughter rent I imagine she could save a heck of a lot quicker for her own place if she did not have to pay you rent. This is unacceptable behaviour by your DH and I am very surprised neither you nor your daughter have not made your feelings loud and clear. Why does he need to go round so often, what is he hoping to find?

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