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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

226 replies

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 22:01

Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 23:09

The complete joy of not sharing a student house any more is the privacy.

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 23:10

I was indeed considering changing the locks as I own the property just as much as he does, but I'm wondering if that's the best way to go about it?

Honestly I'm not too sure why I feels the need to go round there so much. He may pop in whenever, during the day when she's at work, her days off, the evenings. I have had short conversations with him about it and it's just "oh I'm just checking in on how it is in there" and silly replies like that really.

DD has said she feels the need to lock the bathroom door even though it's only her home and she definitely shouldn't have to do that.

Think I need a really strong word with him.

OP posts:
Happygummibear · 15/09/2018 23:10

Dear God.... imagine if she was walking about naked getting ready and he just waltzed in
Or she was DTD on the sofa or kitchen table!

I would be mortified if my dad came in and saw that!!! (A bit pink cheeked if it was mum)

If it's an extension to your home then the property should be treated as a whole like her bedroom. Knock before entering... ask if you can go in.

I still lived at home in my 20s... I had a lock on the door inside and out as it was my personal space.

Parents have got a key to my house as they look after gd but they let me know if they are coming round... or we agree a day if they are doing any jobs for me..... alot of their stuff is stored at mine but they still ask!

He needs to pull his head in and realise it's her space and if something needs doing or checking he needs to give fair warning first

LargeGlassOfPepsi · 15/09/2018 23:11

Our DD lives in one of our houses. DH nor I wouldn't even consider letting ourselves into her home. We don't charge rent either - who rents a home they own to their child FFS?

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 23:11

Yes "perv" is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 23:11

Definitely, if she didn't mind it might be ok. However, she does mind & it's only going to escalate...

Maelstrop · 15/09/2018 23:11

Very nasty of him to say she’ll have to pay full rent if he’s not allowed to go in as he pleases. Very weird, too. What if she’s having sex with a boyfriend or walking round naked? Controlling and abusive, IMO.

BarryManilowRocks · 15/09/2018 23:13

Please try to sort this out before your shift trashes your relationship with your DD.

BarryManilowRocks · 15/09/2018 23:13

DH not shift!

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 23:13

Is he using the place for himself in some way? Peace, quiet?

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 23:14

I don't mean the property is attached to our home, it's a short drive away, but I think DH views it like that.

@LargeGlassOfPepsi you think we are unreasonable to charge a small rent? Really? We charge her the price of a cheap flat up north. The reality is, she can't live there forever for free, can she? It's a prestigious flat in London, if it was free, she'd just live there and not even think to save for her own mortgage.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 15/09/2018 23:14

His behaviour is very creepy and controlling and it's really striking how he's not respecting your opinion on it either - it just smacks of entitlement and that his view is the only one because he's got a penis.

Spacezombies · 15/09/2018 23:14

@WhooooSaid

You need to take control of this now. My parents owned the flat I stayed in; pretty much the same situation. But they both treated it like their second home. Came in whenever they liked with no warning.

I could never relax. I couldn't even sit in a vest top and shorts with my bra off and just chill out because I wouldn't want them walking in on that. I couldn't have a bf over because I would spend the while evening listening for sounds of the key in the lock. It was horrible. It got to the point where I couldn't go out without hiding away anything personal; making sure I hadn't left any bank statements or letters from friends lieing on a table somewhere. I couldnt leave any dishes by the sink or theyd complain that i waant doing the dishes. If there was an emoty wine bottle theyd aak if I drank it all myself. I lived like some crazy person with no privacy.

Now, I still struggle to relax in my own home. I struggle to feel secure. I don't voluntarily tell my parents anything. I hate them for making me feel that way.

Put your foot down. He is being controlling and abusive so it needs to stop. Let her fit a safety chain if he won't or let her change the locks.

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 23:15

Yeah, the full rent threat is nasty & controlling. I think you have a bigger issue than you think you do.

zzzzz · 15/09/2018 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yips · 15/09/2018 23:18

That's creepy. He could walk in on her naked or with her boyfriend. Your adult daughter deserves some privacy.

zzzzz · 15/09/2018 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2018 23:18

A landlord would normally give 24 hours notice before coming by. Cheap rent or not she’s a tenant and pays rent and it’s a shame he doesn’t respect her space.
At this rate she’d be better off in a house share paying more cash, would take longer to save and she’d have to share but at least no threat of Dad letting himself in.

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 23:19

Why don't you just let this one & get her a more appropriate place?

I'm not sure where prestigious comes in, if you're missing the income, fix it. Either let it to her with good grace or don't.

I'd probably buy her a more suitable place jointly, tenants in common, etc.

AllAtHome · 15/09/2018 23:20

She should have some way of locking from the inside. A big bolt.

But he shouldn’t be doing this at all. I bet he’s trying to catch a man in there.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 23:21

I would change the locks and have very strong words with him.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 23:21

Is he trying to stop her having a boyfriend over?

CatboySpeed · 15/09/2018 23:21

Your DH needs to respect boundaries. You may own the house but it’s not your home. Your DD is entitled to privacy in her own home. Show her some respect.

LagunaBubbles · 15/09/2018 23:22

Overprotective? Well it's controlling behaviour, she's left home but he still thinks he can control her. How exactly does this popping in protect her anyhow?!

midsomermurderess · 15/09/2018 23:22

I think it's creepy. He isn't respecting her privacy or autonomy or boundaries. Terrible way to behave.

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