Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

226 replies

WhooooSaid · 15/09/2018 22:01

Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 15/09/2018 22:28

Is he her Dad? Could you try taking the tack with him that he wouldn't go into her bedroom at home without knocking and getting her permission, so he shouldn't do the same with her flat as he bedroom would be part of your house too if she lived with you. As she pays rent, he is her landlord, not her Dad and as such he has to do things legally. He should absolutely not be upping her rent just because he can't waltz n and out as he pleases.

Hideandgo · 15/09/2018 22:28

He’s being a bit of a prick about it. Your poor daughter. Is he usually this controlling? Is he one of those men who thinks he owns his daughter? (You know those men who talk about shotguns etc)

timeisnotaline · 15/09/2018 22:30

It’s your house too so I’d change the locks and tell my dh he didn’t get a key as he was unable to respect your daughters boundaries.

FunSponges · 15/09/2018 22:31

He's a dick. She is entitled to privacy. I suggest she leaves a load of dildos and sex toys about where he'll see them, maybe he'll realise and back the fuck off.

BewareOfDragons · 15/09/2018 22:33

Your husband is completely out of line and being an utter dick.

Your daughter is a grown woman. Just because you are giving her a better than market rate on rent does not entitle your husband to show up and enter her home -HER home-- whenever he feels like it.

And if he feels he should be able to, or will charge her full rates if he can't to punish her, I would seriously consider ending my relationship with him because he will surely drive your daughter away.

What a dick.

Believeitornot · 15/09/2018 22:35

It’s not an extension of your home. It’s an investment and you have a tenant with an agreed rent.

So he should back the fuck off. I bet you if she paid full rent, he’s still do this.

FrayedHem · 15/09/2018 22:35

She'd be better off in a house share in a grotty area, rather than having no idea if her dad is going to turn up. She's 24, recently graduated and is paying the agreed rent and bills. Using the fact that it is quite a prestigious flat in London as leverage to invade her personal space without notice is not a deal I'd agree to.

Over-protective would be baby-proofing the flat. This is way beyond that.

MajesticWhine · 15/09/2018 22:39

No way is this ok. I think the cheap rent is a separate issue. Very helpful and generous of you but this is not connected to the right to enter the property and in no way justifies your DHs behaviour.

Lollypop701 · 15/09/2018 22:41

He needs to stop being an idiot right now, or he’s going to damage his relationship with his adult daughter. He’s gone way past protective and into controlling. You dd would probably have more privacy living at home!

Graphista · 15/09/2018 22:46

What EXACTLY does 'overprotective' mean? He sounds like a controlling creep to me!

ANY tenant, any adult for that matter should be able to comfortably wander naked, have sex etc wherever whenever they want in their own home - his actions are ensuring she absolutely cannot do anything like that.

What times of day is he going over there? Early mornings? Weekends? Evenings?

He's also acting illegally because how much rent she's paying is irrelevant! She's a tenant he's a landlord, except in GENUINE emergencies he's supposed to give 24hrs notice - but as you're landlords to other properties too you KNOW this.

How old was she when he be name 'over protective'? How old was she when she moved out? What was their relationship like before? How does he feel about her boyfriends?

This sounds deeply dysfunctional.

RomanyRoots · 15/09/2018 22:48

I'm sorry OP I find this controlling and weird, it's more than over protective, unless he helicopters her life completely.

7yo7yo · 15/09/2018 22:51

Sounds like a bit of a perv to me.

theOtherPamAyres · 15/09/2018 22:52

What are the purposes of these frequent "popping in" visits?

What is the purpose of frequent "inspections?" when your daughter isn't at home?

Surely she is entitled to have boundaries? Surely she deserves some respect for her privacy? I would hate to feel that I was being monitored and supervised, while at the same time being made to show that I was grateful for the flat.

I think I would grow to dislike him very much indeed.

OP, Are you doing anything to help your daughter resist this control and maintain her boundaries?

rubyroot · 15/09/2018 22:55

She's 24- this is awful, controlling behaviour. He needs to let her go. What if he walks in on her having sex for instance- ugggh, grosses me out.

GeorgeTheHippo · 15/09/2018 22:57

You sound lovely.

He, however is majorly overstepping.

rubyroot · 15/09/2018 22:57

Op, I think there's a consensus here- you need to have serious words with your husband and put an end to this behaviour

Nancydrawn · 15/09/2018 22:58

If he keeps doing it, she'll leave, and I wouldn't blame her for a moment.

Tell him to back off. This is a time when you need to step in; there's a bad power differential here, and he's well on his way to fucking up his relationship with his daughter.

AngeloMysterioso · 15/09/2018 22:59

I’m another one who thinks it’s creepy. What if he lets himself in one day to find her walking around naked after a shower, or having sex in the kitchen?!

It isn’t an extension to your home any more than any other property you own that you let out to tenants who aren’t your daughter. If he wouldn’t behave this way with them (which he wouldn’t, because it’s illegal) he shouldn’t be doing it to her. He’s infantilising her and trying to keep her under his rule, when he needs to acknowledge that she’s a fucking grown up.

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2018 23:00

By doing this he’s basically saying he doesn’t trust her to be in the property, and becomes he owns the property that relinquishes her rights as a tenant. If my dad did this it would completely shake my trust in him and as soon as I could afford my own place I would get out of there, and away from him.,

FlyMaybe · 15/09/2018 23:00

His behaviour is completely unacceptable, OP. He sounds creepy and controlling.

Sparklesocks · 15/09/2018 23:00

And yes as PP have said, she might one day be having sex in the house and he’d just barge in!! Mortifying.

AlevelConfusion · 15/09/2018 23:05

Eww it is really creepy, she needs to change the locks.
Why is he going around there so much anyway?

user9876 · 15/09/2018 23:07

Really awful. This will cause resentment and she will distance herself in future. I wish parents would understand respecting adult children's boundaries would make for much happier relationships.

OkMaybeNot · 15/09/2018 23:07

Him walking in on her having sex will cure this.

What an idiot. She's an adult. You need to tell him he's being an arsehole.

OkMaybeNot · 15/09/2018 23:09

Sounds like a bit of a perv to me.

Hmm he's her dad.

Overbearing, entitled, yes. Perv, no. Why would your mind go there?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread