Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

[WhooooSaid]

Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

That's a blatant invasion of her privacy. He wouldn't do it with a normal tenant, so he shouldn't do it with her. Paying less rent doesn't mean he can swan in when he wants, he's being a shit. Side with your daughter on this.

Could it be for practical reasons to ensure she doesn't try to stay there for the same low rent long term (the law being quite strongly in her favour if she did)? If the flat is a necessary part of your income, that might worry him?

Your dh is gaining access to your tenants property for spurious reasons. This is illegal. The fact that your tenant is related to you and pays a reduced rent is immaterial.

You say that you see the property is a quasi extension to your home. It is not.

Your husband is controlling your dds movements in her own home. Is this some kind of moral judgment? She has legally been allowed to have sex for almost 10 YEARS. Yet your husband still thinks he has a right over her life and by implication over her body. And at the very least what she does with it.

Perhaps in the future dh and I will buy dd a property to live in as a student or give her a deposit help to buy somewhere. It will be her home. Yes, we will have a key as we do to our other properties. If dh acted like yours (he won’t, he already knocks on her bedroom door and has been doing it for a while, dd is 10), I would not hesitate to change the locks. Please change the locks.

You seem to have a high standard of living. Would it not be better to lend/ give your dd a deposit for her own place? I note you have other dcs so idk if this is feasible. However if you did, it would hopefully give the mental separation required.

Part of me is hyperventilating just thinking about this situation. Your dd will not be able to relax. A pp said above how she still struggles to relax in her house.

OP what your husband is doing is not ok.

I live in a house that is owned by my parents. It is in a very nice area of my northern working class town and where I live, to rent a similar house would be around £600/650 a month. I pay £350 a month (plus all bills/utilities etc).

This was the cost my parents and I agreed upon based on my earnings as a single parent working in retail management (so not exactly rolling in money) and the fact that the mortgage is £275 a month so my rent covers the mortgage with a small buffer to go towards any major repairs/maintenance (part of the deal was also that any minor things were my responsibility to fund but they would cover anything major like a boiler breakdown or roof leaking etc) and allow me to have enough left for bills, general living and to go towards saving for a house of my own.

The fact that I pay a reduced rent has no effect on my rights as a tenant and if my parents tried to treat my home as an extension of theirs because of this then I would be moving out asap. If the rent was also used as a blackmail tool (as in the OPs case) then I would see that as financial abuse - he knows that this is the best affordable option but will take it away if he doesn't get to do what he wants, when he wants - and would be doing my best to get out of the situation.

I have a great relationship with my parents so they both have a key but there is a big difference between a "landlord visit" and a "parental visit".

I have no issue with my parents popping round for a cup of tea and my dad mentioning that as DD was showing him XYZ in her room he had noticed a damp patch under the window so would get someone in to look at it or me texting him to ask if he can pop in to look at a leaky tap for me next time he's nearby because even if he wasn't my landlord, I would consult my dad about those things (he was a plumber and a welder for years and has a decent knowledge of electrics and other diy whereas I know nothing more than the basics). Additionally it would either be at my request or because he was there socially and figured he'd get a landlord job ticked off his to do list at the same time.

If however he started proactively dealing with issues without me asking him to (e.g. he only saw the damp patch in DD's room because he had let himself in to check the place over unannounced) by letting himself in - whether or not I am there - or by doing things before consulting me then there would be serious arguments as he has crossed the line on both counts - as a landlord he is breaking the law by accessing my property without permission and as a parent he is breaking my trust by abusing the trust given to him by allowing him a key to my house.

You have the right to quiet enjoyment of your home and you should be getting it. I sometimes wander round the house in my underwear ... If anybody let's themselves in, landlord or not, they have only themseln(to blame if they get

The fact that she is 24 makes it worse.
He seems very controlling and over invested in his daughter.

Did he give her any privacy at home?
Did he ever walk in on her when she was changing clothes, in the bathroom, shower etc?

He does sound creepy, I think.
Some older men really like to have control over young women.

You say he is overprotective. I wonder how your DD would describe him.

One of these days, if you don’t act to end this situation, she will move out and tell neither of you where she’s going.

If he's not careful he'll ruin his relationship with his daughter, this isn't acceptable!

The fact that it’s a flat in a nice part of London is irrelevant. It’s her home and he’s massively overstepping the boundaries.

If I was her friend I would be encouraging her to move out and find her own place. Also as a landlord you have to give 24 hours notice about wanting to visit. Your DD should be able to do whatever she likes in her home including bringing boyfriends back without worrying your DH is going to walk in.

If DD doesn’t want him to have a key anymore, then she obviously isn’t happy with him entering the place without her knowing.

Have a word with DH and tell him itll destroy their relationship eventually.

I have an over protective father, and it’s crushing honestly.

1. Unless I needed the money, I would not chatge rent. You do OP and that’s your prerogative obviously!

1. If DH was a good husband, a good father but just a bit of a micro manager and over protective, then he would be able to come around to reasonable thinking - that his daughter needs her privacy and is entitled to it. As he can’t seem to come aroinsto this reasonably thinking and instead want to “punish” his daughter by charging her full rent in return to her privacy, I can only presume that he is actually a pretty unpleasant character and I wouldn’t want to be with him

I adore my Dad but he can be very controlling. I find it hard to believe your DH is only controlling over the flat. You may notice it more in other areas from now on...

He sounds very controlling.
IMO “overprotective” is just a synonym of controlling.

DD is a very lucky lady, and will be even more so once her dad starts respecting her boundaries.

Would it be helpful to formalise the tenancy in the form of an agreement, OP? He wouldn't be able to enter her property without her permission and only with 48 hours notice, he wouldn't be able to use a key, etc.

And why is it his decision the amount of rent she pays? You own the properties too.

Show him this thread OP, his behaviour is creepy and controlling.

She has the right to have a boyfriend, have friends over and get drunk, be hungover, walk round naked, whatever, but will feel inhibited in these things because she doesn't know whether her dad will pop round unannounced.

You need to do an official tenancy agreement with her like any other tenant and both sign it. If he let's himself in again without permission he's breaking the terms of the tenancy.

You need to stand firm and not accept his behaviour anymore.

If he realises he affects his relationship with both you and his DD he will presumably stop, unless you are actually married to an abusive dick.

If he didn't stop, if I was your DD I would move out and limit my contact with both of you (as you are complicit unless you make a stand on it too).

It’s not the controlling aspect to the story that I find the most disturbing

It is his response. He is essentially bribing his daughter for her privacy. “I will charge you full rent for your privacy”

That is very disturbing

If he's being protective rather than controlling she could embarrass him out of it. Vibrator on the sofa sexy underwear lying around. I'd be pointing out to him he would be most upset to walk in and find her giving her bf a blowjob.

He sounds like a massive cockwomble, who does that to their own daughter? What a controlling dickhead.

It is telling that DD has not spoken directly to your DH, her father, about the key issue, and wants you to handle this.

Your H is a horrible man, a bully, overbearing, and he needs to get a hold of himself.

You need to stand up for your DD and against your H. You have to back her to the hilt on this matter.

I second the suggestion that your DD does the Freedom Programme (from Anouk). She should talk to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

What you both stand to lose otherwise is a relationship with your DD once she manages to get a place of her own.
You don't want things to get to this point - www.family-solicitors.co.uk/Non-Molestation-Orders#.W5326vZRd1s
Her father is in effect threatening that she would be left homeless or without enough to pay bills/eat/clothe herself if she does not allow him continued unimpeded access to her home while she has tenant rights to that home, one of which is the expectation of privacy. He is intimidating and harassing her and engaging in unreasonable and controlling behaviour toward her.

He’s not being protective!!

He’s saying that she can have her privacy but must pay full rent

he's her dad. Overbearing, entitled, yes. Perv, no. Why would your mind go there?

Well thank god that never happens then eh? Honestly, my first thought was he sounds like a controlling ex boyfriend with serious boundary issues and I would let him know that OP. Show him the thread.

He sounds awful.

I've had my own space in various houses since I was 18. Even then (when I might have needed the odd helping hand with getting started out) nobody came round unless it was organised.

Your DD is 24, that's not even a young adult that's just finding her feet.

She will move into her own place and probably cut contact with both of you, just to ensure he doesn't know where she has moved. Since all boundaries have been taken away now I should think she will draw her own and they will be much worse.

math
I entirely agree with your sentiment. I think (hope) ops dd would be left with enough money to eat as the reduced rent is so she can save for a deposit.

I really don’t understand this situation. They have enough money to live in London off their rental incomes and aren’t helping their dcs with deposits. Perhaps op can come back and explain as by the sound of it there are other children. Giving / lending money for a deposit would give ops dd a lot more autonomy as it would be her home and only she would need a key.

@graphista
I agree.
Often too many people bury their heads in the sand and/or are lucky not to have experienced what others have.
Like you I speak from experience as do too many people (women) although not with A parent but a father figure.
So I stand by it when I call him a perv.

Poor poor woman neber being able to relax in her own home.
At the very minimum she needs a chair or bolt in the door so he can’t come in unexpectedly when she’s at home.

OP :Why AREN'T you telling him?? You know it's not right!