Husband keeps turning up at where daughter lives, we own it, but surely we shouldn't be entitled to stop by?

[WhooooSaid]

Hi Mumsnet, our 24 year old daughter graduated a few months ago, we own a few different properties (that's our source of income/jobs). We always said when she graduated she could move into our smallest property and do her a 'deal' while she saves for her own mortgage. She contributes to all her bills and pays rent, but just a much cheaper rent than she would be.

I obviously treat it like it's her own place. I ask prior to arriving, don't feel entitled to a key (although she has given me one).

However, my husband feels a bit more entitled. He did insist on having a key, without DD really being able to say no although she said it's fine. However, he will frequently pop by and even enter with the key if she doesn't answer the Bell. He'll often arrive home and tell me "oh I sorted that out in (DD's name)'a kitchen so let her know" and im always like oh she didn't know? And he goes well no.

DD has spoken to me about this and has said she appreciates it's technically ours and she gets it cheaper but she would like to take the key off of her dad. He says if she wants to take the key off of him, she will need to pay full rent. Opinions please!?

Op only just caught up on your responses. When you said he viewed it as an extension to your home I didn't think you meant it was connected. My analogy was that if an adult is living at home you knock before entering their room and ask permission to go In.

This is the same as a property you own. The dh should be knocking and requesting permission to enter.

I hope you have managed to speak to your dh and help him see sense with what he is doing.

So she can't even veg out in front of the tv picking her nose, after a hard day at work.

Don't waste your time discussing it with him, just tell him. And take away his key.

Did he drop in like this on his previous tenants? I doubt it. So he shouldn't be doing it now.

Agree, it's it's lovely they are supporting her financially by letting her live there on a reduced rent, but she's paying a heavy price for it, with loss of privacy.

She may need to move out if he us unable to respect her as an adult.

Why the op has let this go on I don't know. It's half her property, and it's her child too. If this was my husband it would stop before it ever got to the level my daughter needed to speak to me about it.

Which makes me think he is controlling in other ways too. Or the op would have fixed it.

I think your husbands behaviour is appalling. He just cannot let himself in without her knowledge if she does not want that. My parents do my ironing and other bits so they do pop in and out but I am fine with this. Once my DSs are older and may be in alone as older teens/young adults I would expect my parents to check first for DSs privacy.

To comment on the rent issue, if she was saving every penny for a mortgage then I would not charge rent at all. If she was rubbish at saving I would be unhappy about that however I would probably take a higher rent and put it by. That's if I could afford that of course. Sounds as if that's not an issue for you.

If I were in your position I would take the key from your husband and make it clear it’s not your daughters doing, it’s yours and that it is to preserve their relationship because otherwise, when she gains her full independence he will likely lose her. What an awful way to treat your own child, such manipulation too!

My DM owns the house I live in. We rent it from her. Unless she is expected she won't just let herself in. She learnt that lesson on day 2 of us living here when she turned up half an hour early and witnessed DH doing a naked after shower dash as we hadn't unpacked the towels yet.

Your DH needs to learn that he may own the property but if he wants any kind of lasting relationship with your DD he needs to respect her privacy and trust her to look after it.

He sounds awful. I really hate it when people dress up controlling abuse as being over-protective, as though it's just "nice" gone a little too far. There is no "nice" about this, either in his actions or his motivations. I also wonder why he goes round when he knows she won't be in. Given his obsessive controlling personality I'd be checking for hidden cameras.

I don't really understand why DH is doing this. It's like he's deliberately showing her a lack of respect in order to laud over her the fact that he's financially supporting her.

I lived in a flat owned by my parents. They had a spare key, like all landlords have had to any flat I've lived in. Also all my siblings have given a spare key. But it was just that, spare key in case something happened.

I paid rent and I had a lease. Therefore I was a tenant and they most certainly did not come unannounced and never used the key unless specifically agreed.

It is not ok for your husband to just show up. Do you have a tenancy agreement? Have you had a a conversation with your husband that what he is doing is not legal? Assuming there is tenancy agreement. If there isntn then make one.

Changing locks and not telling your husband is probably not gonna end well. He needs to understand himself that it is not ok. Or is he from a type of family that his mum just shows up? I have a friend whose mother in law can randomly be at her house making breakfast if she was bored. Their whole family is like it and she hates it.

OP.

What would your husband do if you just took the key and hid it?

Just help your daughter save up a deposit for somewhere else.Even a shared .
house be better than that torture shes going through

I’m also a parent LL to my son and his gf. Local flat and they pay a fraction of the market rent so all very similar.

DS had initial concerns that I would let myself in- frankly I can think of few less fun activities . However your DH sounds like he’s in a muddle- as a seasoned LL he KNOWS that this isn’t ok. Because it’s his DD he thinks it’s different.

Well we all know it isn’t different. If you don’t have a contract then draw one up and remind him that despite the relationship you have, this relationship is LL/ tenant. That means respecting different boundaries and allowing her both the privacy she deserves but also the space to be independent and make her own choices.

Remind him that she will become resentful instead of grateful and she’s young, she may decide to go and live elsewhere in a much less nice place if she constantly feels watched and beholden, no young adult wants that.

It’s not easy helping your adult DC. You DH needs a clear conversation about this.

Just get the locks changed for her and let him throw a tantrum about it if he wants to. Ask him why exactly he feels the need to check up on her so much opposed to your other tenants.

He needs to stop this and let your DD have her independence. People often try to dress up controlling behaviour as being over protective but you should call it what it is! It’s a massive invasion of her privacy and makes your DH seem like a very unpleasant man.

It’s your property too, why is he the boss? At the end of the day if you aren’t able to come to an agreement with him then she has to make a decision, is the invasion of her privacy worth the cheap rent.

My parents have a key to my house and vice Versa and I'm glad that they do. But they would never behave like that!

I own my home and my DPs have a key for emergency purposes. They still knock when they come to visit, and only ever let themselves in when I've specifically asked them to, it was mainly for when we had the dog and the dog needed checked if we were out for longer than a few hours. We don't have a dog any more, so don't require my DPs to let themselves in as often.

I'd be changing the locks and not giving him a key. I'd also be disowning my dad if he dared to invade my privacy like that.

My MIL had a key to our flat when dd was a baby. Letting herself whenever she felt like it was a major factor why in our relationship broke down irretrievably.

If he carries on, they're relationship will never be the same.

OMG, so sorry for typos! And I really do know which 'their' to use when, but my autocorrect obviously doesn't!

He is muddying the water between father and landlord: As a father, he should respect her privacy: As a landlord, he should give 24 hrs notice of any visit. He is not protecting her, he is preventing her from developing independence

Did you speak to your husband op?

You said that you are professional landlords OP so this “extension of our home” nonsense just won’t wash. He knows what he is doing is wrong.

He cheap rent comes at a very high price if she can’t have a bath without locking the door. Why isn’t he mortified by that?

He’s going to permanently ruin his relationship with his daughter. And when that happens, what do you think with happen to your relationship with her? Because you haven’t protected her.

I think we all know OP won't be coming back.

Wondering if this was a reverse.