OmG the world's most embarrassing thing has just happened.

[churchmouse84]

I would like the floor to swallow me up.

I went to see a friend today and had a brief chat with her husband, also a friend.

We talked about a film and I sent him a text message to say that I was watching it.

My phone screen is broken at the moment and sometimes goes off on a life of its own. I runs away with itself and selects random words.

I apparently have just sent him a text which says 'I want you'

I have apologised profusely but actually can't breathe.

It doesn't sound very believable.

I'm mortified.

Younger sister was at my house doing some homework with her friend and project partner (let's call him jack). It was Friday and they had until Monday to complete it. They had to describe how 10 different animals had evolved to live in their environments.

So I text her dad 'Sissy will be about half an hour'
Dad-Ok, has she done it all?
Me-No, I think she just has sex left to do but jack will help her with that tomorrow morning.

These are just so funny!!

Working as a waitress many years ago, us staff had been having a chat about buying bras, knickers and such......went to serve a couple, noticed they had no knives and forks and said : Oh, I will sort that out for you, it is difficult to eat your lunch without underwear

hahaha Crying!!!

Went to Ikea with DH and DC a few years back. He said he’d take the lift back to the car, I said I’d take stairs and see him at the car.
I got there first and saw the lift doors open. Crouched down beside the car ready to jump out on him and DC as they hadn’t seen me.
Heard their footsteps and jumped up with a big “BOO!!”
It wasn’t them.
They were a few steps behind the two poor ladies I’d jumped out on.
God, I couldn’t apologise enough.

There was once very very nearly a government report which stated that the government would be establishing brothels throughout the countryside.

Boreholes. Not brothels. Though in these particular circumstances brothels may have gone down better.

The night before the window cleaner had texted to say he would be there the next day. In the morning I went in the fridge to see dh packed lunch in the fridge (he had previous for leaving it and buying lunch out)
I sent an angry text telling him he was a dick head etc. Yep I texted the window cleaner. The window cleaner replied saying he would remember his lunch in future (mortified)

Out shopping with dh for a new winter coat. Loan man also trying on coats. I watched him try on a few and thought I'd give my opinion on which one suited him. I said "oh no not that one. It doesn't suit you and far to big" he replied. "This is my actual coat"
We left pretty quickly after that!

MIL sent a text when her MIL died saying: Dads Mum passed away this morning LOL xx she thought LOL meant lots of love

MIL sent a text when her MIL died saying: Dads Mum passed away this morning LOL xx she thought LOL meant lots of love

Similar - MIL sent a message on the family group chat "just letting you all know Nana's back in hospital, not sure she'll pull through this time, lol"

Ok I've got one that I haven't told anyone!

I was on the train with DC in the summer, DD is 2 and was in the buggy. Just us and about 15 men on the train as it was about 9.30 on way into London. FWIW I'm dressed really nicely and all made up as we were going to meet DH and go to a show.

Train pulls into the station and I'm poised to get off, kind man asks if I would like any help. My reply "thanks but it's ok, I like to take it backwards" .

As soon as I saw the looks around me I realised what I'd said and scuttled off absolutely mortified

That PP reminded me.

Was getting off the bus with DS in the pram. There was a sizeable gap between the bus and pavement. The driver said something and I was on autopilot so I just assumed he had offered the usual 'would you like a hand with that love', so I instinctively replied 'no thanks'. It was only once I was off the bus I'd realised the driver had said 'be careful, miss'

"Special Meat"😂😂😂

A few years ago we were all sat around PIL's dinner table about to start eating and my young DS didn't have any cutlery to eat his spaghetti. MIL says "oh you need a fork and spoon!". I do a mock prim cough and say "a what now MIL?" and she was about to repeat herself and then realised how it sounded and her face was a picture! Luckily she found it hilarious.

I was on a team bonding week at an outward bound centre. I was commiserating about the bed situation with one of the men — he's quite quiet and shy, and told me he was in with some of the more laddish ones in a room of ten, with bunk beds.

I said "Oh, are you a top or a bottom?". He's gay...

I was meaning in terms of how much he'd be disturbed by the others trying to get up the ladders and stuff in the night if they'd had a drink!

I recently was Facebook stalking an old flame of mine. Then got a facebook message from my sister so replied with a GIF of a little girl saying "snacks" only to realise I had accidentally sent it to him. Blocked him immediately. so embarrassing

I was once returning an item in house of Fraser and the guy had a bit of a lisp. I should say I'd just had my make up done so my ego was a lot higher than it normally would be. I thought he said could he have my number and I just said no thank you, he repeats and I say no sorry. He looked super confused but just gave me my receipt and I walked off. It was only as I walked away that I realised he had been asking if I had an email to send the refund to. 😳😳😳😳 I was mortified. I've no idea why I thought he was asking for my number and I left with my ego severely deflated. He probably thought I was nuts.

@Bond0O7 "snacks" !

Another vote for classics

Not texting problem, but I once circulated our family Christmas letter to a national group instead of a set of minutes! !

ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY
and
Working for sperm

😂😂 I don’t often say this but I have tears running down my face.

Shamelessly placemarking & another vote for classics🤣🤣🤣

These are brilliant! One of my most embarrassing memories is of taking my partner round my parent's for dinner. We hadn't been together very long, and we were all kind of making small talk, my younger brothers and sisters were there. Some of my siblings can roll their tongues, we got onto that subject somehow! I can't roll mine, but my partner demonstrated that he could! He then looked at me and blurted out: "That's not the only thing I can do with my tongue is it?!" And there was silence! No more comments about tongues. I was bright red and couldn't for the life of me work out why he would say that in front of my whole family!
In the car on the way home I confronted him, and he was completely bewildered by my embarassment. He said "Well I didn't think it was good manners to explain I can get my tongue up my nose at the dinner table!"

I wasn't wearing my glasses a few days ago and my text informed OH that "I am getting anus tonight" instead of "the bus". I thought he looked pleased to see me.