OmG the world's most embarrassing thing has just happened.

[churchmouse84]

I would like the floor to swallow me up.

I went to see a friend today and had a brief chat with her husband, also a friend.

We talked about a film and I sent him a text message to say that I was watching it.

My phone screen is broken at the moment and sometimes goes off on a life of its own. I runs away with itself and selects random words.

I apparently have just sent him a text which says 'I want you'

I have apologised profusely but actually can't breathe.

It doesn't sound very believable.

I'm mortified.

@ratherbeshowjumping - I am literally crying with laughter. There are honestly tears streaming down my face!

My DH once wished a happy birthday to his mate’s wife on fb saying “hope xxx soils you rotten today”

First ever meeting with new colleagues (I was newly appointed director of a team), I was the only woman. One person had not turned up and the CEO asked about his attendance. I had spoken to the man in question the previous evening, and he had implied that he would be at the meeting. So..... keen to show how connected I was I said: "I spoke to X on the phone yesterday and he made noises as though he was coming"

God knows why I chose that particular phrase.

Needless to say, when poor X did turn up for the meeting all his colleagues were making panting, humping noises, and X obviously had no idea what was going on.

Bbc

I once text my FIL 'Can you lick me up at 7please?' Obviously I meant pick me up, did make my DH and MIL laugh though!

Venusandmars I am crying and snorting - thanks for giving me the biggest laugh

I text my mum saying " just picked up some durex,me and dh will get started tonight hopefully we can make into a fun event with wine to!, it's usually quite time confusing doing it with dad no offence"
DULUX I MEANT DULUX PAINT.

*consuming not confusing

My friend once text me 'Are you coming to sick up your bar?'

(We'd had a couple of unplanned drinks and I left my car at his, the night before).

I was most confused.

Another thing I did once was walked to a bar/restaurant to meet my friend. It was darker outside than I expected it to be , and I got a bit panicky and ran there.

Spotted her, waved and went to buy a drink at the bar. Whilst the (very young!) barman was getting my drink, I took off my jacket. He arrived back with my drink just in time to see me get my jacket off and expose my boob, which must have fallen out of my halterneck top as I ran.

I very casually but swiftly stuffed it back in and chucked my change at him!

anitagreen 😂😂 what did your mum reply?

OP, you poor thing, at least technology is known to do things like that from time to time!

Many years ago I was organising my first cocktail party for work, and was determined to remember who fitted in where/names etc. The evening was progressing, drinks and canapes were being circulated, it was all very elegant. One of the ladies introduced me to her partner to which I replied that it was nice to meet him and I understood he worked for Sperm. There was a moment's stunned silence during which the awful realisation dawned that he actually worked for Siemens and word association to remember things is not always a good idea

😂😂 these are hilarious my favourite is ‘I like bottoms’ 😂😂
Mine aren’t as funny (or at least the ones I can mention on here aren’t)
Once text a seamstress though ‘when are you free for me to drop off some shits?’ Lol

While out for a coffee I was holding a tray with quite a few cups of hot brews, making my way through the maze of chairs and people. I slipped on something wet on the floor and spilt an entire tray of scalding drinks over a table where a lone woman was sat.

I was mortified and in my head I was saying 'fucking hell I'm sorry' and 'are you okay' but it came out as 'ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY'

I recently told a taxi driver I love him instead of saying "thank you" and he said it back

Worst for me was about 10 years ago and dp and I were newly together and took some naughty pictures which then ended up with my brother and his work colleagues all watching them as I had borrowed an SD card off him and gave him the wrong one back. He had been on holiday and was showing his mates some pics on his computer.

Apparantely, there was one particular close up picture of my freshly shaven lady garden which aroused some suspicion as they looked at it from several angles to discover what it was ( the first picture to come up ) and only when someone pointed it out my brother was almost sick!

I almost didn't go to his wedding because of that.... I got some funny looks off his colleagues.

Oh these are just brilliant!

A couple of months ago I was in the bath messaging a (male, married) friend on my tablet. Chatting happily away when I accidentally pressed the bloody video phone button on the Messenger app. Normally he would never answer a video call, but the bastard did this time to see me naked in the bath desperately trying to press anything to end the call.
I hoped he'd pretend it hadn't happened, but he promptly messaged "ha ha, caught you." So bloody mortified.

Cried with laughing at these, then realised i’ve got a few of my own...

I was part of a team recruited to set up a new division in a company. We had no IT support so no automated systems for deals which meant everything had to be processed and logged manually. A complete pain in the arse, but more of a pain in the arse if it wasn’t done meticulously and immediately after each deal. As the only female on a team of admin phobic males, I got landed with keeping on top of that for everyone. I also needed to take a day off though, so basically wrote a begging email to my colleagues detailing what they had to do in my absence and, as an incentive, promising them “loads of good Christmas nosh” on my return if they managed to do it successfully. I hit send. Then I heard stifled hysterical laughter from the desks in front of me. Surely I can’t be the only one not to know that ‘nosh’ also means blow job?! I was thinking mince pies and a chocolate log!

Then there was the time I was bunged up in the bum dept. BF and I hadn’t been an item for long but had been friends for years before, so there was literally nothing we didn’t talk about, including my bowels! BF went off to work, I was supposed to go Xmas shopping but was pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to stray too far from a loo. Being the caring sort, BF kept checking in to see if I was ok. So when I finallly purged, I sent him a text while sat on the toilet saying “have just given birth to a gigantic poo and now feeling so much better”. I trotted out to the shops and heard my phone ping. It was a message from my friend about a Xmas dinner we were organising. She ended it with “congratulations on the enormous poo - great to hear you’re feeling better”. Yup, had sent the text to the wrong person.

Finally, my husband was texting the guy who fitted our shutters about my parents’ one that didn’t close properly. Not sure why autocorrect should have felt the need to replace “shutter” with “shitter”, but he did indeed ask the guy “how much would it be to tighten up my FIL’s shitter?”. Credit to the shutter man, he replied with “mate, I wouldn’t even know where to start with a price for that”

Not as good as some of these, but at an antenatal class I watched on as another expectant mum snuck up to my husband making a cuppa at the tea and biscuits table, squeezed his bottom and said suggestively, "Are you going to give it to me?"

I thought it was hilarious and impressive she had somehow maintained a sex drive in her final month but I'm not sure her husband (who obviously she had mistaken him for) found it quite so funny!

I sent a text to a friend of a friend called Trine starting "Hi Trine". Predictive text changed her name to Urine

These things always sound so made up to me and I wish they didn’t! I’m sure they’d be hilarious if I believed them

Not as funny as most but awful.

My ex’s (extremely severe and humourless) German mum has a name v similar to my dh’s. Around a month after I met dh, whilst away staying with my mum and missing him, I sent a close up photo of my breasts with v erect nipples (it was v cold) and said, “these guys are missing you and so am I.” Yep - sent it to ex’s mum. I realised immediately after pressing send and died inside. She never replied. What the hell could she have said?

@HunnidBands

"These things always sound so made up to me and I wish they didn’t! I’m sure they’d be hilarious if I believed them"

Surely you can't control your spontaneous chuckling with surprise and amusement at some of these stories - whether they be real or imagined?
The beauty of a funny story told well, is that it catches you by surprise, which invoked involuntary laughter and you didn't see it coming. And usually it's so hilariously inappropriate that it makes it even funnier

I once text my dad saying ‘Had fuck...it was greasy but quite nice.’

Of course I was at a restaurant and had had duck! He text back saying ‘TMI...’

😂😂😂😂 “ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY!”
Oh my god!! Well, at least DD is awake now, she wanted to know what all the noise was. I laughed and snorted until I cried. Thank you!

This should go in classics.

Just send another text say something like “to tell me what you loved most about the film” it will look like you just hit send too soon.

FattyMcGee That's an old 4chan/greentext joke that's been doing the rounds for years now.