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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

159 replies

KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:20

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

OP posts:
HandOff · 15/09/2018 18:23

This is so rude. Why do people think it's ok to ask?
A family friend who happens to be a GP asked me recently. I was so shocked. Surely from all the people, she should know better? Anyhow, I don't have a line except i say when the time is right it will happen.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 15/09/2018 18:26

Maybe just a breezy "who knows what the future holds" would do.

Woodfinn · 15/09/2018 18:26

"We're happy with just the one, thanks. What about you - are you planning on anymore?"

Most people love talking about themselves so turn the question on them.

eurochick · 15/09/2018 18:27

I'm in a similar position. It took four rounds of ivf to get our daughter. If I'm really pissed off with the nosiness I say that. Otherwise I say something less specific like "I'm not sure I could face the sleepless nights again" or mention being past all that.

Original poster
KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:27

It's so rude. And I end up blustering some half arsed reply as I'm also caught short. I'm thinking I should plaster a smile on my face and say "after 2 miscarriages before our DS and then months and months of trying for a second your guess is as good as mine!"

OP posts:
MooFeatures · 15/09/2018 18:27

I'm an infertile midwife. I get asked this by patients EVERY SINGLE DAY.

"Yeah, I've got some, but social services took them off me" works quite well Wink

SpottingTheZebras · 15/09/2018 18:28

I’d smile and say “yes” without going into it further.

Original poster
KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:29

I like that Woodfinn, turn it back on them

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 15/09/2018 18:30

I wouldnt be too harsh. They're only trying to be friendly however clumsy it seems.

Prestonsflowers · 15/09/2018 18:31

That is so rude and intrusive.

Maybe try saying something like, it was hard enough with DS so who knows, look them right in the eye when you say it.

Original poster
KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:31

MooFeatures I'm sorry you have to face that level of intrusion every day but your reply did make me laugh out loud. I'd love to be a fly on the wall.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 15/09/2018 18:34

I empathise. No idea other than "we'll see"?

I'd say "not yet" after being asked why I didn't want or didn't have children. Like I'd want to talk about how many years we had been trying with virtual strangers!

It wasn't a solution as I still found it upsetting to be told what a good "decision" it was, to enjoy lie ins and holidays etc.

Lalliella · 15/09/2018 18:34

It astounds me how nosy and intrusive some people are. Why do they think your personal situation is any business of theirs? Say politely “I don’t want to talk about it if you don’t mind”.

Original poster
KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:35

Lethaldrizzle I agree, I think people are well intentioned but careless. I'm sure I did the same before experiencing my own issues with trying to get pregnant. Hence why I want to be kind in my response.

OP posts:
monkerina · 15/09/2018 18:35

I generally stick with 'it's not always so easy' pointed look and they typically back off pretty sharpish, depending how pointed the look was!

harriethoyle · 15/09/2018 18:36

A friend of mine gifted me this corker (That I once used at a family party and have NEVER been asked again). "Oh I'm not sure. We're really enjoying experimenting with anal sex at the moment, so not any time soon."

MooFeatures · 15/09/2018 18:37

harriethoyle Ooohh I'll add that one to my repertoire, cheers Grin

HenryInTheTunnel · 15/09/2018 18:40

@MooFeatures GrinGrinGrin

RandomMess · 15/09/2018 18:40

I would answer with:

"Would have loved more but it hasn't happened"

Iwantaunicorn · 15/09/2018 18:41

We were ttc for 5 years and had loads of people asking if we were going to have kids. At the beginning I said we’re trying, then after time massive conversations started about ivf, the usual miracle stories, have you tried x y and z etc, so I started saying I don’t want kids which killed the conversation!

Now we have twins, when asked (which is rare now, they assume We’re done) I say who knows what the future will bring, or we’re happy as we are for now. To the ones who assume we’re done, I say oooh no, I’d love a couple more, hopefully another set of twins 🤪

NastyCats · 15/09/2018 18:42

Other mums in my NCT group used to repeatedly ask, 'Are you done?' I don't know why but it seemed very important for them to know how was planning on having more babies. I'm sure the school mums are just trying to make conversation but actually the less well you know someone the more intrusive that question is. Maybe just laugh a bit and say, 'That's a bit of a personal question!' and then change the subject.

Or use the anal sex one. It rocks.

gamerwidow · 15/09/2018 18:42

People are so nosy. I've got an only and if anyone asks me if I'm having anymore i tell them 'No I hate kids'.
I'm not overly bothered by the question because DD is an only through choice but i know people who have either lost a child or had fertility issues and it would cause such pain for them to be asked.

Stormwhale · 15/09/2018 18:45

I'm in a similar situation. We are trying for dc2, but due to various health issues it may or may not happen. I'm honest with people. I tell them I would love an army of children, but it might not be in the cards due to health problems. I don't see the point of being rude back when it's usually a question that is asked by someone trying to be nice and get to know me. I don't see it as rude at all.

LizzieSiddal · 15/09/2018 18:45

I think you probably need a couple of different responses depending on your mood and whose asking.

They should range from “not sure” to the anal sex answer😂.

ALongHardWinter · 15/09/2018 18:48

No advice,but my sympathies OP. As the mother of an 'only',I used to get this frequently up until my DD was about 10 years old. The fact of the matter was that I simply didn't feel that I wanted any more. And I just said that. Some people accused me of being 'selfish' or said I was 'odd' but to be honest,I didn't really care what relative strangers thought. A bit trickier in your situation if you are actually trying for another though.