I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

[KM99]

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

KM99 we had one daughter with limited assisted conception, then a miscarriage, and then years of invasive fertility treatment and then adopted.

I am overweight so many times over the years people assumed I was pregnant and one even rubbed my belly!

I was often too truthful and told all and sundry our concerns and I would definitely advise against being too open with new people you've just met.

I'd probably go with a wistful "Mmmmmm, not sure, what about you?"

But in my head I'd be saying "Well, I like babies, but I couldn't eat a whole one!"

Good luck trying to conceive and keeping the other mums' questions at bay!

Be prepared - this goes on forever when you've only got one child! Say 'it sadly never happened' with your best Daily Mail sad face and that usually makes it awkward enough for them to never probe again!

Quite a lot of people seem to think now that your life is incomplete with one child. It took me 13 years to get pregnant and We've chosen to not have any more, but he's only 4 months and people are already asking when we're having another one. I just smile and say 'we're not' quite firmly and they tend not to ask anymore!

“Oh, no. It took an awful lot of planning and changing our entire identities when we kidnapped this one....”

Interesting, DD is an only by design and not accident. I don’t feel ashamed or apologetic for DD being an only. I always say with DD that I was done at one and you never win the lottery twice.

If people are being rude and intrusive I don’t feel any pressure to be polite back. Actually, I think if more people were straight with them they’d be so embarrassed (you’d hope they’d be) that their lazy and clumsy small talk fave would not be so popular.

Strangers or people I barely know, ask me ‘where I’m from’ and I reply honestly with London, when this is further queried with ‘but where are you , from’. I choose to call them out by saying my answer clearly doesn’t match the idea in their heads because the answer doesn’t match the real question they want answering, which is ‘where are your parents from’? You’re about to follow up with the ‘but where are you, from’ in a clumsy attempt to get me to offer up an answer to a question which you are rightfully to embarrassed to ask outright. Then comes the open mouthed ‘but I didn’t mean anything by it’ or ‘I’m just curious’ spluttering. When I follow up with the ‘what is the ‘anything’ that you think I mean but that you actually don’t mean?’ They rarely answer because they are smart enough not to want to be the ones to associate anything negative to what they’ve asked.

I always favour holding up a mirror to people’s behaviour, laziness is not an excuse to be nosey.

I tried for 8 years before I had DD but I would just always reply 'hopefully, one day' and now I've had DD my answer 'I'd love to, but we are blessed just to have one' - it's subtle and I find most people can read between the lines.

PP were correct that people generally mean well but it can really put you on the back foot.

Everyone who has been upset by someone else's question will have upset someone else with their questions at another time.

They are also not asking for the ins and outs it's just chit chat and you could respond with "just Billy for now, how about you?" Should be enough really.

This. There is no need to tell people to mind their own business or come up with some other snappy remark unless they are really going on about it and won't leave it alone.

If you give these mums a bit if a chance you may find once you get to know some you become friends over time as you’re likely to see them through the rounds of birthday parties, sport, school events etc over the next few years.

Also, this. You don't necessarily have to become bosom buddies with other parents, but it's good to have a support network of people who can help one another out with lifts and other small favours. It's probably best not to declare war with everyone at the first meeting.

People asked me all the time. I was crippled in agony during my pregnancy and developed chronic pain and fibromyalgia. Around the time dd turned 3, it was clear I had ME/CFS. I found the questions very painful as I would have loved more so I do understand.

Dd was ivf and the rounds of treatment with subsequent pregnancy took my energy permanently. I have concluded my body wasn’t designed to have children and I forced it. (As in not strong enough). I now know I had advanced adenomyosis and endometriosis along with a fibroid and this will have been part of the issue of failing to get pregnant. I answered honestly. It didn’t stop my mother bitching - even to my friends - about me being selfish to have an only child. I left it too late apparently. Obviously I’m supposed to be a mind reader that I won’t be able to conceive naturally in my early 30’s.

The only people I talked about future pregnancies with were those women, I was friends with and saw regularly. I knew they conceived naturally and had uncomplicated pregnancies and it was part of a chat rather than a question. Or other friends, who had 3 and it would tell me how tough it is and I’d be wide eyed and, wow you’re done now, yes? To which I could see the guaranteed answer was a chuckle and yes. But having fertility problems I knew not to ask the mum in the playground.

I have been mistaken for being pregnant. I now know that was my humongous, swollen uterus. Now that’s really upsetting. Perhaps it’s also happened to you?

Sorry you’re struggling. Can you not say it just hasn’t happened?

I have two children, I'm early forties and quite upfront about saying we're done. Yet people STILL ask will you go again?!

People are nosy bastards. And sometimes it's just for something to say. The most honest answer is the one that will stop them in their tracks and is most likely to stop them putting the next person in the same awkward situation. Just say it!

I don’t think people really care that much about the answer, so just make one up. They’re just trying to get to know you, not demanding you give them details.

Gosh, there are some dense people on this thread. If you’re ‘just making chit chat’, ‘just trying to get to know someone’, or ‘didn’t mean anything’, just stick to the weather, and read up on theory of mind.

Why would you ask a question basic common sense will tell you there is a good chance will be received as intrusive or upsetting by the other person, who might have just finished their last shot at IVF, had a miscarriage, or just be tired to death of defending their choices against witless playground nosiness?

I still get asked this after having twins those twins were long awaited and conceived via ivf.
I usually answer that I would love more but we had to wait a long time for these two so are already blessed.
Don’t get me started on the intrusive questions when you have twins though “are they real twins?” Er they look pretty real to me?!

I half-wish we could wear signs on our heads about whether this question is rude or not. Then people like me (who think there's no rudeness in asking) could easily avoid all of you lot who think it's outrageous. We have nothing in common. We should never speak to each other.

Gosh, there are some dense people on this thread. If you’re ‘just making chit chat’, ‘just trying to get to know someone’, or ‘didn’t mean anything’, just stick to the weather, and read up on theory of mind

Exactly. I’ve made small talk in the primary school playground for 9 years. I’ve never once needed to make small talk on an issue that could potentially upset someone. I mean there’s countless topics, opening gambits, ice breakers you can employ that don’t have any likelihood of causing distress.

Then people like me (who think there's no rudeness in asking) could easily avoid all of you lot who think it's outrageous. We have nothing in common

If it had been indicated to me that a number of people found it rude, I’d change my conversational style rather than suggest people who do find it upsetting are in the wrong. Are you so adamant that it’s not rude you’ll run the risk of upsetting someone?

Just answer a question with a question, gets me out of trouble every time.

@Donnyduds. Didn’t work for Jesus!

I’m so glad I made it through DD’s Primary having barely spoken to the playground mafia.

Look, I personally find it mildly tiresome, rather than upsetting — but then, I have an only child by choice. (The ‘mildly tiresome’ comes from the fact that a minority of people go on to express bafflement and tell me how selfish it is to have a Lonely Only.) But as I am a human being of average intelligence and hence aware of the numbers of people for whom this is far more than a ‘mildly tiresome’ line of questioning, it’s not on my list of opening gambits when meeting new people.

I don’t mind people asking if I want anymore. I don’t find that rude in itself or intrusive. I cannot think of baby who would mean anything by it apart from friendliness so I wouldn’t be snappy.

What I did mind was people saying:
‘It’s cruel to only have one.’
‘Can’t imagine growing up without a sibling.’
‘You might change your mind.’

That then becomes inappropriate. I do now have two but someone said the first to me knowing I had miscarried my eldest’s twin.

I say no, we got it right first time

I tell the truth (fertility issues) and watch them squirm.

If they're nosey enough to ask they can be the one feeling awkward!

I have an only child. I have had previous miscarriages and almost bled out having him (lost 4 pints) .
If I like the peron who asks I’ll laugh and say please ask nun dH that when you see him!
If I don’t like them I’ll say “oh god no, DS is so perfect and in my experience the second one is always a complete little shit” head tilt. That shuts them down!

Funnily hardly anyone asks me this, we have one DS who is 6. Maybe I don’t seem very maternal. I am an only child so maybe it’s that.
If asked I say we had a lot of trouble having DS (IVF) so are very fortunate to have him.
I also say one is enough! Usually when he’s wiggling about as usual.

I think the truth is always best, so "we'd love to but can't" or "I'm in fertile" or "I don't like being a mother". Depending on your truth. Tends to shut people up. They don't expect it as really they are just making conversation.

People don't mean anything by it. We just have 1 and so I do get asked occasionally too.

I just say we're happy as a 3 for now but who knows. I don't know myself if I want another but the older DD gets the less likely I think it is.

Anal sex..... I'm an only child and now I know why!