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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

159 replies

KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:20

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

OP posts:
QueenoftheNights · 15/09/2018 19:47

I think some people here sound rather snowflakey.

FGS it's a normal question that many mums ask other mums.
People often are very open and say no sorry it was IVF, don't want/ can't have more or whatever.

Where do you draw the line? What about people who ask what you do for a job? If you are unemployed and can't get a job do you get all arsey? If they ask if you are going on holiday and you can't due to finances, what do you say then? If they ask about your 'DH' and you 'only' live together, do you get upset?

Where does it all end? I can think of a million things people might ask and someone would take the huff.

JacquesHammer · 15/09/2018 19:48

I think some people here sound rather snowflakey

Yes indeed. The loss of a much wanted baby and the resulting damage meaning I can never have another.

I should just get over it right, and allow people to bring it up in the playground.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/09/2018 19:51

"I wouldnt be too harsh. They're only trying to be friendly however clumsy it seems."

This ^^
Under the circumstances I think they are just making small talk, and trying to get to know you. I used to get this, and due to infertiity I wasn't able to have any more. However, I didn't find this kind of question offensive or rude because I realised people were just trying to break the ice. I just used to tell them that DD was a miracle and I couldn't have any more. People stopped asking then.

SleepFreeZone · 15/09/2018 19:52

I would just say unfortunately you can’t hsve anymore. That tends to shut people up
and usually ends that line of questioning.

Mousetolioness · 15/09/2018 20:05

I've always found my Grandmother's response works a treat in response to the intrusive question - "That's for me to know, and you to wonder!"

Graphista · 15/09/2018 20:19

Snowflakes?! There speaks someone who's had no problem getting pregnant and staying pregnant! Who's never lost a child to mc or still birth or had a child seriously ill in scbu while they're recovering from an emcs!

Snowflakey indeed! HmmAngry

BeenThereDone · 15/09/2018 21:03

Would be the perfect reply not be to call them on their rudeness.... 'that's a bit personal, don't you think?'...

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 21:07

Tbh until mumsnet I wasn't really aware of infertility and probably asked daft/hurtful questions like that.

Kattyy · 15/09/2018 21:14

Answer is: not sure yet, how about you? That gets them talking about them. And u can just zone out... Wink

Haireverywhere · 15/09/2018 22:54

Unless you have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth you have no idea how someone may feel. But that in mind I don't blame people for what many consider to be 'small talk'. I just remember wishing people (with and without DC) wouldn't ask, as I didn't want to be thinking of my losses at that particular (still childless) moment.

What was small talk to them was liking asking me "what's been some of the most painful moment(s) of your life?"

LimboLuna · 15/09/2018 22:59

“No I found out what caused it”
Is the favourite I heard once. I think it’s just something people say without actually thinking what they are asking. People should ask though it’s such a personal thing.

Datedandold · 15/09/2018 23:02

I usually say ‘no way, my pelvic floor couldn’t take it...’

Passingwords · 15/09/2018 23:11

How about- we’ve just spent a fortune on a designer vagina and am keeping it really nice at the moment 😀

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 15/09/2018 23:35

Oh, another person nosey enough to be asking if dh and I are having unprotected sex. As a matter of fact, yes we are. How about you and your partner? Are you having sex, unprotected or not? In fact, it's taking a while for me to get pregnant again, I have heard there are different positions that make it easier to conceive, do you know any of them? What position(s) did you use when you conceived? Can you give us any tips? Demonstrations? Is it worth using anything to increase/decrease longevity, will that help us conceive?

And go on and on.

(But maybe not ask for demonstrations as they may be willing to oblige! (Unless you're open to that.))

But I wouldn't have the guts to say that.

chickenchip · 15/09/2018 23:49

I answer any intrusive questions with 'why do you want to know?' It works wonders at deflecting to them and usually people get very blustery and find it difficult to answer Grin

SD1978 · 16/09/2018 00:01

My usual response to this unless I change my name to Mary and find a Di key, it's unlikely. I'm amazed how many people ask. I go for honesty because I want them to feel as uncomfortable as I do. My husband left me and now my uterus is too old usually stops people.

NewYearmorestress · 16/09/2018 00:04

If asked I go with it would probably kill me. As due to the horrendous pre and post natal depression and other medical issues it probably would.

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2018 00:09

It’s just small talk. Say “Who knows what the future holds?” and change the subject.

DiscoDown · 16/09/2018 00:22

We were unable to have a second, I got sick of being all "well, maybe" or trying to otherwise spare their embarrassment, I'm quite direct now. I either say I'd have liked more but was unable to, or that I'm separated and too old now so am unable to. I'm not bothered about embarrassing people if it makes them think about what they're saying a bit, there are a few people that used to ask every time I saw them.

Ellegeebee · 16/09/2018 00:23

After my mum got pregnant with my younger sister (child number 4) an elderly relative asked her “are you shuttin’ up shop now?!” I must ask her what her reply was Grin

I often get questioned about how my child was conceived (same sex relationship) and my response is always along the lines of “that’s a personal question/that was a personal decision” with a firm smile.

passwordfailure · 16/09/2018 01:50

You are meeting new people in a child centric environmental. As you have at least one child it is unlikely to occur to them that you may have secondary infertility. They are also not asking for the ins and outs it's just chit chat and you could respond with "just Billy for now, how about you?" Should be enough really.

SD1978 · 16/09/2018 01:56

I don't agree it's juts small talk- it's highly invasive. You wouldn't comment on other aspects of a woman's life- weight, looks, etc. something so intimate, so personal- it amazes me it's seen as open slather. I'd rather someone called me fat than had to explain that of course I wanted more- that was taken from me. A complete stranger sees another woman's uterus and personal circumstances in the same way as it looks like it's going to rain today?! No. Sorry. It's bloody rude.

Rebecca36 · 16/09/2018 03:23

CheeseCakeSunflowers Sat 15-Sep-18 18:26:00
Maybe just a breezy "who knows what the future holds" would do.
-----
Agree with that!
'Mind your own business' would also do as would, "I don't talk about personal things". How dare anyone ask questions like that.

finn1020 · 16/09/2018 03:52

Then don’t share any person struggles with someone you don’t know. I doubt they’d expect you to. My kids are in their teens now, so I no longer get asked those sorts of questions. However I recall it happened a lot up until the first one was 4. I don’t think people mean to be rude and overly personal when they ask this, as my experience of other parents is most aren’t looking to pick a fight or snipe without reason.

Very possibly the ones that ask have never had fertility issues or other complications to consider, but I do think it’s a fairly normal topic of conversation when your kids are around that age, the questioner is probably also wondering about having a second or third themselves. Somewhat clumsy small talk, in the way that parents (mainly mums) might ask if your baby has started crawling/walking/eating solids/doing high school maths yet, when you both have young babies (which could be another bone of contention if you have a kid with developmental delays).

I would suggest just a casual “I don’t know, what about you?” Just brush it off and don’t make it seem like the answer is really important to you. If you give these mums a bit if a chance you may find once you get to know some you become friends over time as you’re likely to see them through the rounds of birthday parties, sport, school events etc over the next few years.

dudsville · 16/09/2018 04:08

I don't know whether people who ask are just tring to make small talk, but the answers you might give, except the curt ones, could only lead to conversations you don't want to have. If you give an honest answer then strangers know things about you they don't need to. I think I'd be tempted to say "whoa, shouldn't you at least take me out to dinner 1st?" But that's a dated joke that hasn't aged well and I can't think of an equivalent.