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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

159 replies

KM99 · 15/09/2018 18:20

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

OP posts:

LoniceraJaponica · 16/09/2018 07:57

I understand it might be a sensistive topic for some people, but I don't think people are being intentionally rude when they ask. Being rude back won't help as you will be seeing these people at the school gate for the next few years. You really don't want to be snippy unless you aren't bothered about making new friends or even just being friendly with your child's friends' parents.

I could only have one, but I wasn't at all offended if people asked me, and once they knew why DD was an only I didn't get asked again.

NorthLondonGirl · 16/09/2018 08:07

Yes it's unnecessarily nosy of people but if you respond like that it'll be awkward for you both. You're essentially shaming them for asking when the reality is they are just making idle chit chat. Just say 'We'd love another but it's not happened yet'.

NorthernRunner · 16/09/2018 08:07

I get this asked often, my responses vary from laughing it off to out right telling them no.
A stranger asked me in Tesco once and I said to her, I don’t like children, one is more than enough (my dd was teeny tiny so didn’t understand at the time) she scowled and walked off.

QueenoftheNights · 16/09/2018 08:07

I am sorry for anyone who has lost a child in any way, that goes without saying.

I have a neighbour expecting her 2nd- she's 40- and I never ever asked if they'd like another because I was aware that at 40 it might be harder, or indeed she may have miscarried (her other child is 5) .

BUT if someone asked me, and either of those was happening, I think I'd rather be honest. People would be sympathetic.

However, if you think about it, there are so many topics that are potentially sensitive.

I'm always amazed at how many people mouth-off about politics as if you have the same political views and don't consider for a moment that they might be offending someone.

I mean which topics ARE acceptable for the school gate?
If you think about it, you could be putting your foot in it with ANYTHING.

Relationships, money, holidays, politics, how to bring up your child (hello Kirstie Allsop!), the list is endless.

Maybe best just to ignore everyone if you are easily offended or especially private.

shonkyklingonmakeup · 16/09/2018 08:09

I just fix them with strong eye contact and say that I am infertile. Brief smile. You're helping them, they need to learn some social skills.

Clearthinking · 16/09/2018 08:13

It really is upsetting. I've been trying 3 years and had counselling which hasn't helped. Dropped my 4 year old off at nursery surrounded by the mums and started chatting. One had 4, one had 2 and one due soon. I got asked and could only say "just the one" but what's on the tip of my tongue is, "after an ectopic that burst, a miscarriage and a massive bleed with this one at 16 weeks, I'm just glad I've got this one to be fair" might work. Then you get "oh there's ivf and adoption" yes thank you...

beluga425 · 16/09/2018 08:21

I got this from a mum a couple of months ago. She wouldn't let it drop. I said:
...bit old for it now
That ship has sailed.
DD likes being an only.
unlikely
...well it's not going to happen.
She STILL kept on.

JacquesHammer · 16/09/2018 08:21

I mean which topics ARE acceptable for the school gate?
If you think about it, you could be putting your foot in it with ANYTHING

But most sensible adults would think about topics that potentially could cause distress. And I’d say infertility is a pretty safe one to assume could upset.

It’s the school yard, not a debating tournament. Whilst you’re getting to know people there’s nothing required more than banal chit chat.

JacquesHammer · 16/09/2018 08:22

Being rude back won't help as you will be seeing these people at the school gate for the next few years

I’m not rude. I’m honest. If they don’t like the answer it’s possibly time to think about their line of questioning.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2018 08:34

You're essentially shaming them for asking when the reality is they are just making idle chit chat.

It’s not an appropriate subject for idle chit chat. As you’ve seen on the thread, many people find it upsetting to be asked. There are plenty of innocuous things to chat about which don’t run the risk of bringing up very painful emotions.

Coolaschmoola · 16/09/2018 08:46

"You're essentially shaming them for asking when the reality is they are just making idle chit chat."

Telling the truth to a question they asked is me shaming them?

So you think I should lie so they don't feel bad, whilst they make me feel bad, just because it's "idle chit chat"?

Erm, no.

As Purple says, it's NOT idle chit chat, it's a potentially sensitive subject.
Why should I lie? I didn't ask them the question. I didn't offer up any information. They clearly wanted to know - or thought they did.

BananaBonanza · 16/09/2018 08:48

But most sensible adults would think about topics that potentially could cause distress. And I’d say infertility is a pretty safe one to assume could upset.

That's a really short sighted view. Ust because theres one hot topic for you doesnt mean ypu can predict everyones sore spot.

Just about everything small talk related is upsetting for me....
"Are you married"
No I'm divorced
"Oh dear do you think you'll marry again"
No once was more than horrific enough for one lifetime
"What job do you do"
I don't I'm a carer for my son with SN. No I don't really want to tell you about that either.
Do you have a partner?
Yes, well no, I don't know if he counts as we don't live together because that many disparate needs in one house is a disaster and my marriage put me off that amount of intimacy for life.

Ummm.... this is why I avoid small talk... people don't mean to offend but its mostly a dead end. I have gone from not speaking very much to many people to getting better and turning the conversation back on them. Whatever they open with is usually a safe topic for them....

SpottingTheZebras · 16/09/2018 08:49

So I should lie and not say I have another one but she died neonatally because it will be awkward and shame the nosy person asking? Is that really what you are saying? To pretend my dead daughter didn’t exist just to spare a nosy stranger’s feelings?!

BananaBonanza · 16/09/2018 08:49

And "will you have anymore kids?" Is about one of the safest small talk questions for me

LoveObject · 16/09/2018 08:50

In my experience the people who huff and puff about how ‘you can’t say ANYTHING these days’ and ‘everyone’s getting offended at the drop of a hat’ are likely to also be the ones who bang on about ‘PC Gone Mad’ and how the PC Brigade will haul their beloved golly from their cold, dead hands.

JacquesHammer · 16/09/2018 08:50

BananaBonanza

NONE of what you describe is what I would regard as small talk.

I guess I’m just not nosey as it would never occur to me to ask questions like that!

JacquesHammer · 16/09/2018 08:51

And "will you have anymore kids?" Is about one of the safest small talk questions for me

Except it isn’t safe. It runs the risk of real upset.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2018 08:52

Just about everything small talk related is upsetting for me....

None of those things are small talk.

Things that are safe small talk :
The weather
What you watched on tv last night
How crap public transport is

LoniceraJaponica · 16/09/2018 08:54

My "safe" question at the school gates when DD was in reception was to ask how their DC were getting on at school. How can anyone see any offence in that?

LoveObject · 16/09/2018 08:56

Other safe topics include whether your six year old knows number bonds from a hole in the ground, whether you you are entirely sure what a number bond is, how many school sweatshirts your offspring has managed to lose before half term, and Brexit.

I was joking about Brexit.

RandomMess · 16/09/2018 08:56

There are many topics that bring as much grief and pain to other people, grief and pain is not a competition.

The people who ask more than once are unbelievable rude/socially insensitive.

I have walked away from the playground before in tears and gone home and sobbed and sobbed over what was meant to be idle chat. Nothing to do with children, many people have "hidden" trauma or grief.

I've asked before if a child is an only and the parent has been able to share about their stillborn.

Reality is that few women haven't had either Infertility struggles, miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death some people want to talk about it and some don't.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2018 08:57

LoniceraJaponica that’s potentially tricky if their children are struggling at school, especially with behaviour. It’s not “offensive” but I know some of the parents of my class (additional needs) hate being asked .

QOD · 16/09/2018 08:58

I used to say ‘well unfortunately not many people leave babies unattended these days’ if I was in a pissy mood

MarshaBradyo · 16/09/2018 08:59

I’m amazed people ask this, so unthinking.
Just keep it short
We’ll see and yes how about you should do it

Morethanthisprovincallife · 16/09/2018 09:00

I think people also scrabble around for something to just keep the conversation going, in slightly stressed situation because you don't know each other.

Asking once is not sensitive but it's the continual questions.
I had someone really trying to pin me down on job before dc. She was like a dog with a bone.

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