I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

[KM99]

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

I think a lot of the time people aren't being rude, insensitive or intrusive; they're just making small talk. God knows I wiled away many an hour at playgroup then the school gate exchanging inane talk with folk I didn't have much interest in or they me.

I think this is really a tough one.

It's something I don't ask almost strangers, but often would like to!

I guess for the reasons you say- possible infertility.

But being blunt, most people don't have fertility issues (and yes I know the stats over this) so most people who you think are being 'nosey' are just trying to be friendly, because so many parents when one DC is between 2-5 yrs old have another child.

Turning it round the other way, if you did say yes but it's taking a long time, or yes, but I may be too old now, I don't see the issue and 100% people would be sympathetic. Rather than dodge the question, maybe be open and they will feel embarrassed, and not ask other people!

X-post with ALongHardWinter - those people were bloody rude!

My friend suggested "my husband is infertile".

I used it once with the whole phrase and was never asked again.

I have three under 5, I get asked all the time by other parents is that it or do I want more, I don't find it offensive at all. It's just banter. Worse things in this life to get het up over.

Just say, not sure yet. You are under no obligation to reply.

I just very nearly lost my temper with the HV due to this very question.

I just said I was sick of the question and why didn't she just ask if I was having unprotected sex with my husband.

It's fucking rude.

A friendly "Why do you want to know?" is a good response.
It encourages the person asking to think a bit

It’s so fucking rude.

I’d be tempted to say “I’ve had 2 miscarriages”
That should shame them into shutting up.

Ah no, you can’t get away with ‘We’ll see’ with these types. I got told time was ticking on, I wasn’t getting any younger, it’s never a good time to start a family...all sorts when we were TTC the first time. Now we have DD if anyone is nosey enough to ask, I tell the truth It was a long, tough road to get DD due to fertility problems and although we’d like another we can’t. Nice people are sympathetic, nosey feckers shut up.

I generally go with some appropriate version of 'not decided yet, how about you?' for most things, since generally people seem to want to talk about themselves really anyway.

They are only trying to be friendly. Just say no, we are happy with one. What about you?

"Probably not as I'm on the waiting list for a sex change"

In my circle of close friends there's a mix of those with 'normal' families of 2/3 children, but also childfree by choice (except not really but due to miserable childhoods of their own they felt ill prepared to be parents), people who've had fertility issues, mc and stillbirth, and one infertile due to cancer treatment.

I only have the one following a series of medical issues inc mc and ectopic pregnancy, then it turns out I have a rare pregnancy related condition that means had I chanced another it would have also been chancing baby or I dying, dd and I nearly died at her birth as it was.

Close friends and family know the situation so the people who ask why I only had 1 aren't close enough that it could POSSIBLY be any of their damn business! What REALLY used to annoy me was when dd was younger and they'd ask HER 'bet you'd love a little brother or sister wouldn't you?' 😡.

Depending on mood and how asked I variously respond:

'One was enough'
'Got it right the first time' or if asked in a particularly rude way I give them the truth full pelt!

'If I'd risked another pregnancy chances are baby and I would be dead and dd motherless!' soon shuts them up!

What on earth possesses people who don't know you that well to ask such personal questions is beyond me!

"No, DS is so exceptionally brilliant, it would be impossible to improve on such sublime perfection!"

When I encounter these types of questions, I put on a bit of an "oh my" look and say "gosh, that's a bit personal isn't it" and laugh a little. Then I ask them something bland to move the conversation past it.

I always just say "I was 40 when I had DS, so I'm too old for another really." They are then socially obligated to say they think I look 10 years younger, and then drop the subject.

I got asked this once from another mum in the playground when DS was in Reception.
When I said I was happy with one and wasn’t planning on having anymore she launched into a full blown attack about how selfish I was because she was medically unable to have any more DC and how I could if I chose and how unfair I was being.
I gave her a very wide birth after that.

I just laugh and say “well that’s a bit of a personal question” then change the subject. I think people mean well but hopefully that makes them stop and realise that not everybody wants to talk about this kind of thing.

No kids here, and constantly asked intrusive questions.

I find a curt “but enough about my sex life, things still good between you and John in that department?” with a lewd wink works wonders.

Also love “well, it’s in God’s hands now”, with a little tear if you can manage it.

I got so sick of intrusive and hurtful questions that I started answering honestly.

“I had a m/c that caused damage and now I’m infertile”.

I don’t buy that it’s just being friendly. There are countless ways to be friendly without being insensitive and intrusive.

‘Let’s just say that DS is very, very special to us. You get the picture.’

‘I’m not sure but at my age it would be a very welcome miracle.’

‘It’s very painful for me to discuss.’

‘Yes, it has been wet/ fine this week, hasn’t it. What are you up to this weekend?’

@lovetherisingsun I wonder what the difference is between you (and your 3 under 5) not finding anything wrong with it and those struggling with the excrutiating pain of infertility and being ask when they'll have children/ have another one is?

I just say 'yes' or 'I would have loved a large family'. If they push further they go from 'innocently-asking-a-question-they-dont-realise-might-be-painful' to 'twat'.

'Worse things in life to get het up over.' Like the fact that today brought yet another negative test after IVF and some inconciderate person may well ask me if I'd like to have children? (Could possibly be the reason I'm a little grouchy Today )

"nah, I hate kids"

I don’t buy that it’s just being friendly. There are countless ways to be friendly without being insensitive and intrusive.

This is exactly right.

I go with the “that’s a very personal question” followed by the death stare. That usually works.