I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

[KM99]

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

I do think so many things could cause offence and people really don’t mean it. I’d also rather I was asked these type of questions by people I might become friends with rather than just talking about the weather.

When peripheral friends have asked me I’ve just been honest about MCs even if I wouldn’t have sought them out to tell in the first place and with acquaintances I’ve just kept it vague, but trying to remember that I’ve wondered that about other people before too and it is one of the standard “I’m trying to take an interest” questions that people ask other people with young children.

The mums are asking about kids because it feels like a safety subject. You are at the school - they talk about kids. I think the suggestion of 'we would like more but it hasnt happwned yet'. Is enough to let people know it is a sensive subject. I say this as someone who has a 5.5 year gap between my two after having a mc at 13 weeks and a chemical pregnancy. I know the pain of ttc number 2 and being asked about having another. People don't mean to be insensive.

Threads like this have been an eye opener for me - I am very glad to have seen them as it means I now think much more carefully before asking new people much. I have been a bit sheltered I think, (I have endo but conceived without an issue) plus I have had children before many of my friends so it is only now that those I am close to are starting to have some struggles.Previously I can well imagine putting my foot in it (inadvertently). Hopefully I won’t now!

it is one of the standard “I’m trying to take an interest” questions that people ask other people with young children.

The whole point is it shouldn’t just be an unthinking standard question that gets asked. Loads of posters have said they find it upsetting.

My DD is an only through choice. I don't get asked now because she's 10 and I'm getting older as well, but it was fairly common when she was small.

I've had total strangers tell me it was time to give her a playmate etc. If I was feeling irked I'd tell them that producing DD nearly killed me three times over so I had no intention of doing it again and leaving her without a mother. But usually when people asked if I was having any more I'd just laugh and say "Hell no!".

I couldn't have children and when I've been asked my reply was a flippant "trying and failing" (or nowadays "tried and failed") and a smile.

I really really can't get upset about someone asking and I'm not about to make someone feel uncomfortable because their social skills might be a bit off (and yes I did suffer mc while we were trying).

I understand why you don't want to open up to a bunch of nosy strangers but some brutal honesty would certainly make them realise how rude they are. Look them in the eye and say firmly "We tried".

I work in the public sector and as soon as I went back to work after having DC1 I got asked if I was going to have any more.. so so many people ask this it’s unbelievable and I found it so tedious to reply to every time. I did want another and consequently have done and now I’m getting told I don’t need anymore as I have a boy and a girl
You cannot escape ridiculous questions about children or babies unfortunately. Smile and nod works well

The suggestion of "we would like more but it hasn't happened yet" may hint it's a sensitive subject - but for some, me included, it implies there is a possibility where there is none.

More accurate would be, "we would have like more, but can't have them"* - again, potentially making people feel awkward.

If there is no hope, why should people feel forced to imply there is?

I don't have any issue talking about why dd is an only. I've come to terms with it. But if people want to ask, I will not pretend or lie.

Even if you are honest though, you'll still get someone insensitive.

After my first IVF failed, someone asked me about wanting children. I said I'd love to but it isn't that easy for some people. He said to me 'oh I only have to look at a girl and she's pregnant' 🤦‍♀️

It's not a question I would ask, but I have certainly been asked it many times, and don't find it an intrusive question - clearly because I don't have fertility issues (2 miscarriages aside).

I was asked after DC1 was born, and I've been asked many times since DC2 came along. 'Are you guys planning any more?' 'No, we're done!'

If you don't have fertility issues, it is just a chit chat question. If you have fertility issues, then it's intrusive and hurtful. Obviously the person asking won't know which camp people fall into (which is why I personally would never ask) - but it is something that gets chatted about by those lucky enough not to have had to deal with infertility.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps the questioners have had the discussion on easy enough terms many times, and haven't experienced infertility themselves, to not realise that they're really offending some people.

I have a large age gap between my kids, due to man issues rather than fertility. I appreciate that it is unusual so I say "yep, 2 husbands, 1 kid to each" people normally say "me too" or "same as my sister" I really don't find it offensive or embarrassing.

Your over thinking it.
Just tell them the it just never happened one...

KM99 you are not overthinking anything. Only reveal what you want to reveal. It is none of their business.

I have said we haven't been brave enough to try for another! And lately ... we are too old for anymore

We have an only through choice

I've told this story before, so apologies for that.
A woman at work would cheerfully ask me every sodding month"Not pregnant yet love?"
"No" I kept saying after enduring years of trying and intrusive and painful tests.
I had a miscarriage and never became pregnant again.
We came to terms with it eventually and are absolutely fine.
Said woman left work and I didn't see her for years until one day i bumped into her shopping.
She asked the usual question, but this time I reacted I couldn't help it....
"No I said and it would be a bloody miracle if i was as I'm 60 next week "!!

Clarich007 how awful; some people are just very thick.

Almost any question is personal and potentially upsetting. How are you? Could be insensitive if you have mental health difficulties. What you been up to? Could have been to a funeral. How’s your DH? Could be seriously ill.
Most people don’t actually care if you want another child they are just making conversation because they want to be friendly. The professionally offended need to stop thinking everyone is out to upset them.

Anything is potentially upsetting.
I lost a parent and a close friend recently. Am I supposed to be offended when people say' How are you today?' (People who didn't know?)

Or 'Had a nice break?' when I'd been away dealing with a funeral and the other parent left on their own?

Women who can't conceive don't have the monopoly on grief.

I have this too. I have generally brushed off enquiries with a "who knows?" comment but more recently I want my answer to also communicate and educate about how rude the question is.

So relying something like "that's not a question I would ask someone as there are too many women who would experience the question as a request for details of miscarriages and ivf and all sorts of things that you generally only share with really close friends."

"Most people don’t actually care if you want another child they are just making conversation because they want to be friendly. The professionally offended need to stop thinking everyone is out to upset them."

This ^^

The professionally offended need to stop thinking everyone is out to upset them

Everyone but everyone understands how likely it is that a woman might have issues surrounding fertility. It’s very easy to suggest someone is “professionally offended” when you’re not in that situation.

I’m afraid it’s utter bullshit that it’s hard to find something to talk about that isn’t upsetting. It just takes a modicum of thought.

I refuse to lie about the situation to appease people who can’t give a moment’s thought before asking intrusive questions. If that makes them uncomfortable so be it - maybe they shouldn’t be so easily offended

Am I supposed to be offended when people say' How are you today?'

Yes that’s absolutely the same

It depends on how rudely the question is asked and how much of an arsehole mood I'm in.

I sometimes gently explain about our story... sometimes I act absolutely horrified and say "god no I can't think of anything worse, having one is such a breeze".

Those who use it as small talk... really please get fucked. Infertile people certainly don't have a monopoly on grief but a bit of understanding goes a long way.

So exactly what is small talk and topics that won't cause offence?

If you go to the bank, the asst usually asks a breezy 'And how are you today?'
Do I say well actually fucking awful because my dad just died.

Or the asst at a National Trust property who looked at my joint membership card and asked 'Oh, on your own today. No husband?'

How would she have felt if I'd said 'Oh he died a week ago', or he left me for another woman last week?

I'm sorry, but having fertility issues is shit I'm sure. But equally there are other things that happen in life which are painful too. Even the most benign chit-chat can be offensive to some people.