I can't find a decent reply to intrusive questions..

[KM99]

I'm a firm believer that you don't nose into other people's business when it comes to many things but especially their state of children or childnessess.

My DS has just started reception and obviously I'm getting to know new parents. At least two mums I'm getting to know asked me if I didn't want any more children (DS is an only child).

I realise I'm not prepared with a polite or firm enough answer. I know if I'd was advising anyone else I'd tell them to say a polite version of "none of your business", but let's be honest it's harder to practice what you preach. I lack the guts to pull them up on it much as I want to.

Truth is we've been trying for over a year now but I'm 43 soon so the odds are low. My closest friends know that but no matter how open I can be I don't want to be sharing that with people I'm just getting to know.

So, what is a polite, kind but firm response?

If you go to the bank, the asst usually asks a breezy 'And how are you today?'
Do I say well actually fucking awful because my dad just died

As I said it’s not the same. Has she asked “who’s died” because you looked miserable? That’s the same.

*Or the asst at a National Trust property who looked at my joint membership card and asked 'Oh, on your own today. No husband?'

How would she have felt if I'd said 'Oh he died a week ago', or he left me for another woman last week?*

She was rude. Why is it ok for her to ask a rude question but not to give an honest answer in case you upset someone?

I am not prepared to respond to an intrusive question with anything other than the truth. Why should I? In case it upsets someone.

I'm sorry, but having fertility issues is shit I'm sure. But equally there are other things that happen in life which are painful too. Even the most benign chit-chat can be offensive to some people

It isn’t top trumps you know

Where have I said there aren’t other painful life events? But it seems children is the only one where it’s socially acceptable to delve and it shouldn’t be.

Why defend it once you know it’s not appreciated?

Also on the scale of not what to ask - didn’t you want any more - is worse. The older child is at school, give it some thought.

The idea that it’s ok to ask instructive questions, and if you’ve lost a child or a pregnancy or are infertile finding those upsetting results in you being “professionally offended” doesn’t then sit with the idea that you shouldn’t answer honestly because you might upset the asker or offend them.

I know you don't want yo share too much but these people will hopefully become friends so I'd say "another would have been nice but we're very happy as a family of 3" to give a hint of your difficulties but hopefully close down the questioning.

My friend’s mum always used to cuddle her and say cheerfully, “ah well, we got perfection the first time around!”

I was about 20 before her mum told me that she had to have an emergency hysterectomy after giving birth and had been devastated . I know most people are just asking because they are being nice and don’t realise it can be hurtful but it must be very hard to keep hearing the same question

As I said it’s not the same. Has she asked “who’s died” because you looked miserable? That’s the same.

No that's not the same! How can it possibly be?

The point is I wasn't looking miserable. The point is that a total stranger who has no real interest in me but is being told to be friendly, company policy, asks a question that does not require an honest reply - but can be upsetting.

If someone asks if a woman wants more children, your equivalent (as above) it would be

' why are you looking miserable? is it because you only have one child?'

If someone asked me if i was stopping at one I'd say;
-No but we are trying to another
-Yes because 1 is enough for us
-I have issues conceiving but we live in hope.

If someone asked me if i was stopping at one I'd say;
-No but we are trying to another
-Yes because 1 is enough for us
-I have issues conceiving but we live in hope

Right. But none of those are pertinent to me.

So I say “actually complications following a miscarriage mean I can’t have any more”.

Honest. Not rude. I’m not prepared to make up a white lie to soften the truth for an intrusive question.

“How are you” isn’t intrusive.
“Are you having more children” is instructive.

I say either of these:

Oh, we’re One and Done.

or

It’s bloody amazing we slipped in one kiddo before the fertility window slammed shut.

Anyone who enquires beyond these statements gets a nose wrinkle/head tilt face and silence until the awkwardness devours their soul.

"I'm sorry, but having fertility issues is shit I'm sure. But equally there are other things that happen in life which are painful too. Even the most benign chit-chat can be offensive to some people."

That's a very weird perspective to me. Other bad things might happen so you shouldn't worry about whether you do or don't feel pushed into talking about something personally upsetting? Is that what you mean?

The OP and any person has the right not to talk about personal things.

KM99 have you decided what you will say?