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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking dc abroad without dad’s consent

176 replies

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 13:53

I’m was hoping he’s just stamping his feet a bit and he’d come round. But he’s collected dd today and quite adamantly said he’s not giving his permission for her to go away with me and my bf and that he’ll phone the airport to tell them he doesn’t want me to take her. Can he actually do this?

We’ve already booked a holiday for October half term, it’s my week to have her and it’s not effecting his contact time at all. I’ve taken dd away before no problems and although he’s given his permission I’ve never actually been asked at passport control.
We don’t have anything legal stating contact etc, which having goggled I think if we did I’d be in a better position and able to take her for up to 28 days without his say so. We’ve just sorted things between us though and we both said we were ok with either of us taking her away for a week, more than a week we’d discuss as DD’s still quite young.

I admit I was unreasonable in booking without actually speaking to him and I’ve apologised for that. But I knew he wasn’t having her at all (ironically he’s away with his gf) and we saw a pretty good deal and honestly I was putting off the inevitable foot stamping from him. I did think he’d be ok with it though, other than an initial moan. He seems really quite serious though and says I absolutely shouldn’t have booked something without speaking to him first and court will agree with him on that.

I’m really not sure what to do now! Do I risk just taking her, despite thinking he’s being a idiot I do think I’d feel bad/guilty taking her if he hasn’t said it’s ok. And obviously I might not even be allowed.
Try talking to him again, but I can’t think of what to say and we ended up arguing when he picked dd up which I don’t like because she was obviously here at the time.
See my solicitor, which I’m thinking it’s time we make things official in some way as we seem to be agreeing less and less. But I do feel bad that it’s come to that and will it be too late in regards to going away at half term anyway.

And is it really so unreasonable to take her away with my bf, when he’s taken her with his gf and his gfs children? It’s the bf he’s got issue with, he’d be fine me taking dd alone or with family.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 13:54

And by issue with bf, no genuine concerns or anything about him. Just him not wanting us playing happy families, as he puts it.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 15/09/2018 14:14

Have you got the same surname as your daughter?

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:15

Does he have PR? If so, he can prevent her leaving the country.

It’s shit, in your situation, but in others it is crucially important that both parents have to give permission.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 14:22

Oh sorry, I forgot to put that. Dd has my surname but his name is on the birth certificate so he has pr. I’ve been abroad three times with her without him and never been asked if I’ve got her dads permission. Him saying he’ll phone to say I can’t take her is worrying me though.

If he doesn’t give permission I think I can get a court order, but how quickly? I’d think there’s something in plane for last minute really, what if he says ok but then changes his mind last minute?

OP posts:
moredoll · 15/09/2018 14:22

Yes to seeing a solicitor. I notice it's alright for him to go away with his gf. Perhaps your DD never meets her?
Not sure a court would agree with him as you had a verbal agreement, and his issue is that he wants to police your relationship.
A letter from a solicitor might make him see sense. But yes time to go to court.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:23

Not sure how quickly you could get a court order for this holiday OP, but it’s possible to get one for future holidays on the basis that he has no good reason to refuse.

moredoll · 15/09/2018 14:25

If he has PR he can refuse permission.for her to leave the country. Solicitor should be able to advise on your best course of action.

MrsJonSno · 15/09/2018 14:26

If he has PR then you need his permission. The 28 day rule only applies to the resident Parent with formal residency which is stated in a family court order like a residency or child arrangements order. You should apply to family court form specific issue order, a hearing will be scheduled for you both to attend and unless he provides a good reason to not give permission you’d be granted the order and can travel. Problem is its VERY unlikely you have enough time.

If he calls the airport or passport control and states he has Pr and you do not have permission or a Court Order he will get a marker on her passport and you will be refused travel. 100% not a chance if he makes that call.

MrsJonSno · 15/09/2018 14:28

If he says ok you need a signed letter from him. Stating child’s details and flight dates etc.

Ffiffime · 15/09/2018 14:30

Just get a court order. My friend is allowed to take her children for 20 days without his permission x

FinallyFree123456789 · 15/09/2018 14:30

Hi OP,

Me and my ex aren't together. He has PR of my daughter as well and she has my surname.

I've never got his permission; he has refused to give it; a judge laughed at him and said either of us can go away for up to 28 days.

However, if you are worried, contact a solicitor to ask for their advice. Secondly, you can apply for a court order with minimal notice so will have one ready for the October half term.

I don't have to ask his permission to book a holiday. I book it and tell him when we're going - regardless if it interferes with his time - as he cannot stop me going on holiday. This was coming from a judge who has now wrote this into my contact order.

Feckitall · 15/09/2018 14:32

DS exDP takes his DC away without permission. He actually wouldn't refuse it but she has made it clear she doesn't care whether he agrees or not. She has never been asked at the airport. As he understood it she can do it as long as it is no more than 30 days. DC have his surname and he is on BC.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 14:32

DD’s met his gf moredoll and been away with her and her dc, which I was told about a few days before they went. Uk though so he didn’t need my permission.

Will phone my solicitor on Monday and see what they say.

OP posts:
joliejoleen · 15/09/2018 14:33

So he can go away with his girlfriend and play happy families but you can't?! What a gem... speak to a solicitor asap.

ArialAnna · 15/09/2018 14:36

Wait he's got a holiday booked with his gf at the same time? Is he proposing they take your daughter with them instead? Otherwise who will look after your DD? If you think he doesn't want to take DD with him, then call his bluff and say 'okay, we won't take DD - assume you'll look after her that week then and we'll swap that contact week with another' and see what he says. He might back down.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 14:44

Can I just look at getting a court order? I thought we had to do mediation first, but then we’re ok generally with contact so we would agree in mediation and then would I still be able to get a court order?

OP posts:
moredoll · 15/09/2018 14:47

Sounds like you need a residency order, as well as a specific issue order to avoid trouble in future. Let the solicitor handle it, and be icy calm with him.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 14:49

I know ArialAnna he’ll actually be nearer to dd then if she was home, I think there’s even a ferry that goes between the two places so he could come see her if he wanted! His gfs ex has got her dc, so it’s a adults only holiday, so doubt they’d want to take dd. He only does one full week through the year anyway. I’ve asked him to do more to help me with childcare but he needs holidays without dd so doesn’t have enough to agree to more.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/09/2018 14:50

It seems as though he's just being spiteful.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 15/09/2018 14:52

Tell him, no problem...you'll have to have her that week then. He is being a controlling arse! Time to make the arrangements legal

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 14:52

How long does a residency order take? And how much is it likely to cost me?

Is the specific issue order just for this holiday? Wonder if I’m best concentrating on that and hoping it can be sorted before October and then deal with the rest when I’m back. Lovely, expense on the run up to Christmas!

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 14:57

Unfortunately as I’ve been told before I can’t make him have her Sugarplumfairy. Yet he can still legally stop me taking her away! My mum or his mum have both said they would have her between them, he doesn’t know that yet. But I don’t actually want to go away without her, I’m off work and I want a week with my baby.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/09/2018 14:57

Sorry not sure how it all works. But I'd just add when your daughter is old enough to understand, what is she going to think of her dad stopping her going on holiday just because it wasn't agreed in advance? If she is turned back at the airport it will be something she remembers forever

I don't see how you going away is any different to him playing happy families (as he says ) with his gf? Could you reach any compromise at all this time eg your bf stays in another cheap hotel for a couple of nights if that's his issue?

moredoll · 15/09/2018 15:00

The specific issue order is for the holiday. Residency order is long term. See if the solicitor can get a specific order and at least get the ball rolling for residency order. The solicitor will advise. Probably time to get maintenance formalised as well.

Sparklyfee · 15/09/2018 15:02

People are telling you to say he can have her that week then in order to make him back down. Not so that he can actually have her