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Original poster

Taking dc abroad without dad’s consent

176 replies

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 13:53

I’m was hoping he’s just stamping his feet a bit and he’d come round. But he’s collected dd today and quite adamantly said he’s not giving his permission for her to go away with me and my bf and that he’ll phone the airport to tell them he doesn’t want me to take her. Can he actually do this?

We’ve already booked a holiday for October half term, it’s my week to have her and it’s not effecting his contact time at all. I’ve taken dd away before no problems and although he’s given his permission I’ve never actually been asked at passport control.
We don’t have anything legal stating contact etc, which having goggled I think if we did I’d be in a better position and able to take her for up to 28 days without his say so. We’ve just sorted things between us though and we both said we were ok with either of us taking her away for a week, more than a week we’d discuss as DD’s still quite young.

I admit I was unreasonable in booking without actually speaking to him and I’ve apologised for that. But I knew he wasn’t having her at all (ironically he’s away with his gf) and we saw a pretty good deal and honestly I was putting off the inevitable foot stamping from him. I did think he’d be ok with it though, other than an initial moan. He seems really quite serious though and says I absolutely shouldn’t have booked something without speaking to him first and court will agree with him on that.

I’m really not sure what to do now! Do I risk just taking her, despite thinking he’s being a idiot I do think I’d feel bad/guilty taking her if he hasn’t said it’s ok. And obviously I might not even be allowed.
Try talking to him again, but I can’t think of what to say and we ended up arguing when he picked dd up which I don’t like because she was obviously here at the time.
See my solicitor, which I’m thinking it’s time we make things official in some way as we seem to be agreeing less and less. But I do feel bad that it’s come to that and will it be too late in regards to going away at half term anyway.

And is it really so unreasonable to take her away with my bf, when he’s taken her with his gf and his gfs children? It’s the bf he’s got issue with, he’d be fine me taking dd alone or with family.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 12:22

Spoke to the solicitor this morning and I’ve got a appointment for me and ex so he can write his letter of permission and the solicitor will witness it (they recommend that). That’s for tomorrow, so I’ve just text him, if you’re serious about giving permission than you need to come x day x time x place and sign the letter. If he doesn’t then I’m cancelling the holiday but haven’t told him that.

I’ve got a proper appointment for Friday to go over everything properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 12:24

I’m not sure @Redken24 but I think if it just says that the dc live with that parent then they can take them away for up to 28 days. So it doesn’t have to specify holidays abroad, I don’t think!

OP posts:
Redken24 · 17/09/2018 12:34

Not sure but glad you are getting your stuff sorted out 😄 a good feeling especially on a Monday morning.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 18:35

Well he’s had a bit of a moan about why we need a solicitor for a letter to say I can take her away. To which I said because I don’t trust you not to change your mind. He replied I was being silly and wasting my money, so I just sent him the screenshots of the various messages from him last night.

But so far he’s saying he’ll come! We shall see, not holding my breath to be honest. But if he doesn’t turn up the solicitor will make an official note of him not doing so and of him refusing letting me take her away. At least that’s evidence then for court.

His mum did phone me today though and said she’d given him a telling off. So maybe that’s why he’s had a change of heart. Who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 18:53

He stresses me so much though, I hate it.
I had a good talk with my bf last night. He said he’s got savings so if money’s a problem at all he’d be happy to help. Of course I wouldn’t take his money and I told him that. But he said he sees getting contact sorted as something for us not just for me and dd. I thought that was quite sweet and it’s made me pretty determined to make things official and make my ex (where possible) stick to contact times/days.

OP posts:
agnurse · 17/09/2018 18:53

If he has PR you MUST get his permission.

My thesis supervisor was travelling alone with her daughter (with her husband's consent - he was abroad and they were meeting him in the country where he was) and she was pulled over in the airport and asked for the letter. Fortunately she had it with her.

I believe they're REALLY trying to cut down on parental abduction cases, especially because once a child is out of the country they become more difficult to track down.

Now, I'm not saying that you intend to abduct your daughter, but it could be seen that way if you don't have her father's consent.

Hubby and I travel abroad occasionally with DSD. Interestingly, we've never been asked for a letter - likely because we all have the same last name. (The only way you would know DSD isn't my kid is if you look at her eyes. She has brown eyes, Hubby has hazel, and I have blue. But most people aren't looking that closely.) We do always carry the letter from her mum, a copy of the current custody arrangement, and a copy of her birth certificate. Fortunately in 2 years she'll be 16 and in Canada that means she can apply for an adult passport, meaning this won't be necessary Grin

Tistheseason17 · 17/09/2018 19:29

His mum did phone me today though and said she’d given him a telling off
Your bf is awesome, OP, but I like your ex's mum a bit, too! Nothing like being a grown man and needing your mum to talk sense into you! GrinGrinGrin

HopefullyAnonymous · 17/09/2018 19:31

How long have you been with the boyfriend?

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 19:58

She’s fab Tistheseason17. She was a single mum of all boys, so she needed to be tough. They’re all still a bit scared of her as adults.

A year this month Hopefully. But we split up for a few months March/April time, my choice completely. We stayed friends and ended up getting back together.
I’ve known him a lot longer though.
My ex constantly throws it at me that we split up though and that because of that I shouldn’t have introduced him to dd.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/09/2018 20:01

I think I love your ex MIL a little bit, she has so kicked him up the backside Grin

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 20:09

Ha! I’m trying not to get my hopes up Random I’d he alwats listened to his mum he wouldn’t have done half the stuff he has. She always says he’s the most difficult and she wishes I’d gone out with one of the others instead 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 20:10

If he always, even! Typing fast and not actually reading what I’ve wrote.

OP posts:
ginswinger · 17/09/2018 20:33

Bless him, I'm chuckling at the idea that someone could get through to an airport or an airline by phone. Everyone knows he'd be on hold for 40 minutes before being cut off. Full marks for trying though.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/09/2018 18:50

Well he turned up and signed the letter. So yay, I’m going on holiday! He actually apologised about his behaviour and when the solicitor said maybe you should both look at making a formal agreement, he agreed it was a good idea.

He asked if he can have dd this Saturday which is my day and a bit short notice, but it’s for a friends dc’s party and I’ve no plans so I said that’s fine.
And he’s broken up with his girlfriend!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 18/09/2018 19:15

Great outcome - go and have a lovely holiday!

lowtide · 18/09/2018 19:28

Great news! Congrats and well done for managing to be nice to him on top of it!

RandomMess · 18/09/2018 19:31

Hurrah!!!

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/09/2018 20:14

I’m so relieved 😅
Don’t know why we had to have such a sing and dance about it though! He’s a idiot and he seems to think we’re best friends or something now! He just text to ask if he can collect dd from nursery tomorrow (absolutely fine) and do I want to come out for dinner with them (hmm, no thanks).

OP posts:
PrincessWire · 18/09/2018 20:43

So pleased for you, and also well done for being the bigger person and letting him change arrangements to suit. He's never going to be able to claim you've been difficult with regards to his access.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/09/2018 10:15

That's great. Interesting that he has broken up with his girlfriend. I wonder if she was the one encouraging him to be a prick. Hopefully he has realised that things won't end well if he attempts to control you.

RandomMess · 19/09/2018 10:27

Or girlfriend broke up with him due to his prick like behaviour towards his Ex...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/09/2018 10:55

I would break up with someone if I had sat and watched them behave like that towards their ex.

gamerchick · 19/09/2018 11:18

I would break up with someone if I had sat and watched them behave like that towards their ex

Yep same here. You're seeing their behaviour in the future if you break up and have kids.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 19/09/2018 17:08

He claims he broke up with her! But I don’t know and honestly I’m trying to avoid conversations with him, about anything other than dd of course.

Excited but now a little nervous about going away with my bf. He’d kind of sold Scotland on me and I had thought, at least if we don’t get on or anything we could always come home. We can’t do that from abroad so now I’m worrying myself a little. Stupid I know and probably just because it’s been on my mind so much with my ex messing about and everything.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 19/09/2018 21:44

Watch out - don't let your ex mess with your head and your good relationship with your bf!

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