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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking dc abroad without dad’s consent

176 replies

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 13:53

I’m was hoping he’s just stamping his feet a bit and he’d come round. But he’s collected dd today and quite adamantly said he’s not giving his permission for her to go away with me and my bf and that he’ll phone the airport to tell them he doesn’t want me to take her. Can he actually do this?

We’ve already booked a holiday for October half term, it’s my week to have her and it’s not effecting his contact time at all. I’ve taken dd away before no problems and although he’s given his permission I’ve never actually been asked at passport control.
We don’t have anything legal stating contact etc, which having goggled I think if we did I’d be in a better position and able to take her for up to 28 days without his say so. We’ve just sorted things between us though and we both said we were ok with either of us taking her away for a week, more than a week we’d discuss as DD’s still quite young.

I admit I was unreasonable in booking without actually speaking to him and I’ve apologised for that. But I knew he wasn’t having her at all (ironically he’s away with his gf) and we saw a pretty good deal and honestly I was putting off the inevitable foot stamping from him. I did think he’d be ok with it though, other than an initial moan. He seems really quite serious though and says I absolutely shouldn’t have booked something without speaking to him first and court will agree with him on that.

I’m really not sure what to do now! Do I risk just taking her, despite thinking he’s being a idiot I do think I’d feel bad/guilty taking her if he hasn’t said it’s ok. And obviously I might not even be allowed.
Try talking to him again, but I can’t think of what to say and we ended up arguing when he picked dd up which I don’t like because she was obviously here at the time.
See my solicitor, which I’m thinking it’s time we make things official in some way as we seem to be agreeing less and less. But I do feel bad that it’s come to that and will it be too late in regards to going away at half term anyway.

And is it really so unreasonable to take her away with my bf, when he’s taken her with his gf and his gfs children? It’s the bf he’s got issue with, he’d be fine me taking dd alone or with family.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 16:19

I’ve never been asked before Imustbemad. But I thought when they scanned the passports parents details maybe automatically come up. Then they’ll check that against my passport or ex’s if he was taking her.
I wouldn’t want to risk it though.

OP posts:

Lazypuppy · 15/09/2018 16:33

@CandiedPeach

Oh sorry, I forgot to put that. Dd has my surname but his name is on the birth certificate so he has pr

Doubt it would even flag up at airport as she is obviously your child. See what solicitor says, but i would still be going.

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 16:35

My poor bf must think ‘what the fuck have I got involved in’. If roles were reversed I’m really not sure I’d stick around.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 16:39

He’s said he’ll phone and say I’m taking her without his permission though Lazypuppy. And someone said that could cause them to flag her passport up. I will be checking everything with the solicitor and I’m going to tell my ex that if he’s really refusing he’s leaving me no choice but to make things formal and he can kiss goodbye to me being flexible with contact like I am currently. I’m still going to take it to court even if he agrees though, I’m just not going to tell him that!

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 15/09/2018 16:53

If you can't get a court order in time, I would risk taking her but try and get the flights changed so that they are from a different airport and time.

Please don't.

Why not? I very much doubt that he will do it anyway as it will make him look really unreasonable if it does go to court but if he doesn't know when or where OP is flying from he can't make the threat in the first place.

Toastedstrudel · 15/09/2018 17:01

Yes, they would flag her passport, doesn’t matter which airport. I like the suggestion that he keep her for the week or even better can you approach his parents/family to keep her and explain that her dad is refusing permission?

ExFury · 15/09/2018 17:02

Don’t risk taking her if there’s any chance he’ll go with his threat.

Speak to a solicitor and get an order that allows you to take her. He’s daft if he thinks the court will take a dim view of you booking without asking first - you have a precedent set between you where you’ve both taken her away, it’s your week and he’s away. They’ll take a dim view of him stamping his feet just because.

RandomMess · 15/09/2018 17:06

They'll take an incredibly dim view as op is in effect resident parent and therefore doesn't need permission unlike him!

Dungeondragon15 · 15/09/2018 17:06

He won't necessarily realise that though. I think it will put him off and if he does flag the passport he is going to look extremely unreasonable.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/09/2018 17:10

Actually, I take that back as he may contact the police. I think OP just needs to go to court to take control away from the tosser.

GaraMedouar · 15/09/2018 17:22

I thought that without a residency order either parent with PR can take them on holiday for 28 days without permission. I have never asked my DC's dads for permission before holiday, and never been asked anything at the airport. All 3 of my children do have my surname.

Lostin3dspace · 15/09/2018 17:27

It's not just that you could be stopped from travelling and lose money though, taking a child abroad without the consent of those with parental responsibility is defined as child abduction:

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

I've looked into this myself, from the other point of view. I don't object to kids going abroad on holiday, but Ex was refusing to give the most basic details like dates, flights and hotel address, which i only want for emergency purposes. (So I could collect them or arrange transport if something happened)
Otherwise , why would I object, he isn't a flight risk.

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 17:42

I definitely wouldn’t risk it, I don’t think it’s worth it. Plus my bf’s a teacher and I wouldn’t want to cause him problems, as the previous poster said it would legally be classed as child abduction.

My ex has all the details though, flights, hotel etc. I’d said I’d FaceTime with dd once a day if he’d like. He’s got no good reason to refuse. He’d actually be in the same country as us, just a different island. He’s been fine when I’ve gone away with family and he had dd when I went away with my friends for a long weekend, it’s the bf he’s got a problem with.

I’m thinking it may well be best to cancel if they’ll let me use the money we’ve paid for a holiday next year. Then we’ll go away in the uk and I’ve got time to sort it out. I’m so busy at the moment, finding time for solicitors and even court will be difficult and I’m just going to be stressed out about it.

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 15/09/2018 17:44

That's a good idea if you can get a refund. You need to get to court as soon as possible though so he knows he can't do anything like this in the future. He clearly intends to abuse the fact that you haven't formalised anything so far.

ArialAnna · 15/09/2018 19:47

What a spiteful man! He's also a complete hypocrite since its fine for him and his gf to play happy families.

I know other posters won't agree with this, but if I was you I would just lie. Frankly I think his shitty attitude has lost him the right to full honesty from you. Don't mention the trip again and then next time he brings it up just say airily 'oh, we had to cancel it any because of '. Then just go as you had planned.

RadicalFern · 15/09/2018 20:04

It might come up at the airport - a friend of mine had to get an emergency letter from her husband when she was about to travel outside of the country with their baby. I wouldn't risk it.

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 21:07

My bf called into the travel agents and they’ve said they let us switch what we’ve paid (minus some for booking fees or admin or something) as a deposit for another holiday!
So we haven’t ended up going out tonight and instead the bf cooked dinner and we’re going to have a look for next years holiday and see what we can find in the uk for October half term. I’m feeling a bit gutted and like my ex has won, he gets a week of sun and I’ll most likely be getting a week in a caravan (that will probably cost the same). But as my bf says, he doesn’t want us going away together and we still will be, plus we’re booking for two weeks in the summer.

I’ve had no messages from ex, he tends to send a few when he has dd and I always get one when she’s gone to sleep. I don’t ask for them and I’m resisting asking how she is, which is difficult because she was upset when he took her today.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/09/2018 21:17

See what the solicitor says it may be possible to sort it in time with an emergency hearing.

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 22:13

I will RandomMess. I’m not sure a solicitor good say for definite though and I don’t want to risk us losing all our money if we wait. I had a little read and if I’m reading the right thing it sounds complicated and I’m wondering if he could make it more so.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 10:46

Well he’s brought dd home, much earlier than he’s meant to. Then he had the cheek to act pissed off that my bf was here.
I asked about the holiday again and he just said “no”, I said well are you having her for the week then, because I’m going away? He just laughed. Dd was there so I just said say bye to daddy and closed the door. Did then send him a text telling him to go fuck himself though!

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 16/09/2018 10:52

As much as I agree with the sentiment and think he deserves it, be very very careful what you send in a text. If it’s got swearing or nasty comments (which he entirely deserves all of!!!) he could use it against you or even take it to the police.

I’m only telling you to cover your own arse, not to say you’re wrong at all. He does deserve every bit of it. I’d just hate for him to then have ammunition to use against you.

My ex has a conviction for malicious misuse of the telecommunications act (it was the only thing in a range of offences that stuck because of definitive proof) which is how I know.

sanssherif · 16/09/2018 10:56

This is why men should never go on the birth certificate and why the child should always be given the mothers surname, if the parents arent married.
Women do most of the parenting but men can demonstrate their 'rights' just to exert control.
Fuck that for a barrell of laughs. Tell him to move on and enjoy his new life. Idiot.

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 11:01

I know YeTalkShiteHen but I’m so . I’ve got loads of much worse from him though, so if he wants to try that he can bring it on!

He sent back, I don’t need to babe, I’ve got someone to fuck!

OP posts:

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 11:01

She has my surname sanssherif.

OP posts:

Original poster

CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 11:02

A least I thought to do that!

OP posts:

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