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Original poster

Taking dc abroad without dad’s consent

176 replies

CandiedPeach · 15/09/2018 13:53

I’m was hoping he’s just stamping his feet a bit and he’d come round. But he’s collected dd today and quite adamantly said he’s not giving his permission for her to go away with me and my bf and that he’ll phone the airport to tell them he doesn’t want me to take her. Can he actually do this?

We’ve already booked a holiday for October half term, it’s my week to have her and it’s not effecting his contact time at all. I’ve taken dd away before no problems and although he’s given his permission I’ve never actually been asked at passport control.
We don’t have anything legal stating contact etc, which having goggled I think if we did I’d be in a better position and able to take her for up to 28 days without his say so. We’ve just sorted things between us though and we both said we were ok with either of us taking her away for a week, more than a week we’d discuss as DD’s still quite young.

I admit I was unreasonable in booking without actually speaking to him and I’ve apologised for that. But I knew he wasn’t having her at all (ironically he’s away with his gf) and we saw a pretty good deal and honestly I was putting off the inevitable foot stamping from him. I did think he’d be ok with it though, other than an initial moan. He seems really quite serious though and says I absolutely shouldn’t have booked something without speaking to him first and court will agree with him on that.

I’m really not sure what to do now! Do I risk just taking her, despite thinking he’s being a idiot I do think I’d feel bad/guilty taking her if he hasn’t said it’s ok. And obviously I might not even be allowed.
Try talking to him again, but I can’t think of what to say and we ended up arguing when he picked dd up which I don’t like because she was obviously here at the time.
See my solicitor, which I’m thinking it’s time we make things official in some way as we seem to be agreeing less and less. But I do feel bad that it’s come to that and will it be too late in regards to going away at half term anyway.

And is it really so unreasonable to take her away with my bf, when he’s taken her with his gf and his gfs children? It’s the bf he’s got issue with, he’d be fine me taking dd alone or with family.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/09/2018 21:10

Now you are finally standing up to him it will get worse. He isn't a nice man nor a good father...

Block/ignore and get on with getting Court Ordered contact do he stops controlling your life Thanks

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 21:10

I’m ignoring him though. I’m not answering anything that’s not a legitimate concern regarding dd or arrangements for contact. He’s muted so not disturbing me!!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/09/2018 21:12

What a prat. Ignore them, you aren't putting your bf over your dd and you know that and he knows that. He's not getting his own way so he's saying this. He's trying to make you feel bad about your dd so you do what he wants you to do.

Stand strong. I know it's harder said that done.

RandomMess · 16/09/2018 21:12

Well played Wink

Tistheseason17 · 16/09/2018 21:26

Yep, he's a control freak.
He'll try and use guilt to manipulate you.
You can't control his behaviour so focus on what makes you and DD happy - you are in control of that, not him!

This will make his behaviour more irrational and obvious to others.

No can be used as a complete sentence. You do not have to explain your private life to him. Busy is as far as I would explain.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 21:32

Oh I know I’m not WhenISnapped unlike him who still insisted on taking dd out with his girlfriend and her dc, despite her dc repeatedly biting chunks out of her! (Ok not chunks but bite marks).

His best line: why does he even want to go away with someone else’s kid! Yet, he’s been away twice with his girlfriends kids 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 16/09/2018 21:34

Poor boyfriend he’s trying to do some marking and I’m actually laughing out loud reading what he sent!

OP posts:
Mascarponeandwine · 16/09/2018 21:35

Oooh he’s narked that his plan didn’t work and your bf is still there.

I particularly like “I thought you wanted us to decide these things together”. At what point when he told you “No you can’t take her”, were you “deciding things together”. What a dick.

If you can manage financially then definitely go the court route. It’ll be tough going, but you’ll get there and your life will free and not be conditional on his manipulation.

lowtide · 16/09/2018 22:51

He’s gutted his plan didn’t work! Dickhead

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/09/2018 23:26

He's going to try and manipulate you and come in between you and your bf's relationship. If I were you, I'd go to court and I'd only contact him via text or email so that there is a paper trail.

lowtide · 16/09/2018 23:36

You’re boyfriend as I said earlier sounds like a nice level headed human. I imagine your ex you rather he kicked off!
But be very careful. He’s volatile. Your ex that is. ALWAYS be a untitled front with your boyfriend. and you’ll be fine. Don’t let the fucker win.

lowtide · 16/09/2018 23:36

Would not you

Redken24 · 17/09/2018 07:06

@candiedpeach
I don't think there is any kind of residency order in place it's just his mum takes him away and we always find out after the fact.
Have offered to write letters just in case etc but she has never needed or accepted them.
There both on the bc and my husband had to go to court to get to see him but nothing ever been mentioned regarding foreign travel. Good for you for sticking to your guns - x

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 07:56

@Redken24 I think if they’ve been to court they will have a court order or something in place. So she probably doesn’t need his permission.

Looking into it, I think seen as we agreed we could have just formalised our agreement with the solicitors for a small court fee and then we’d be sorted now! Stupidly I never really looked into it properly and thought we’d have to do the whole court thing which seemed silly when we agreed with contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 08:05

17 messages and 4 missed calls last night! Then this morning a message saying ‘Don’t want to fight! Of course I’m going to let her go, I just wished you’d spoken to me about it first.’

Bf was rushing off to work and didn’t really want to bring it up before he left. I’m thinking I’d be stupid to trust him though and a week before we’re due to go he could just change his mind and say no. He’ll know now I’m really pissed off and that I’m probably thinking court, which will be what his change of heart is about not actually whats best for dd.
This is what he does he pushes me so far and then worries he’s overstepped and try’s to take it back. I’ve just always put it down to him realising he’s being stupid and him thinking about dd, so I’ve forgiven him and we’ve carried on.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 08:13

He’s clearly got a copy of the Dickhead's textbook doesn’t he?

Turn on the charm to stop her actually taking me to court, so I can’t continue to use my child to control her. - tick!

Get abusive and use the child to control her - tick

Can’t be arsed with child and drop them off early - tick.

Take him to court OP, otherwise this will be a never ending cycle depending on his mood.

You, your daughter and your boyfriend don’t deserve it. And he sure as shite doesn’t deserve to have that much control over your life.

RandomMess · 17/09/2018 08:15

Indeed it just shows you though that he'll always play games. He's shown everyone why it needs to be formalised and you need to be down as resident parent.

Also what's the shitty behaviour about returning DD early from contact? You need that nipped in the bud. Quite simply done by not being at home... again all about controlling your life.

Thanks
Dungeondragon15 · 17/09/2018 08:28

Ask him when you can collect the letter. At least if you get that it will mean you can go on this holiday. I would still see a solicitor to get things formalised though so he can't attempt to control you in the future. Don't let him know that you are doing that.

Dungeondragon15 · 17/09/2018 08:31

I’m thinking I’d be stupid to trust him though and a week before we’re due to go he could just change his mind and say no.

If he gives you a letter he can't change his mind can he?

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 08:32

Oh I’m definitely getting a court order sorted!

If I don’t take her back RandomMess he’ll just leave her with his girlfriend or threaten to. I’m not convinced she’s well supervised when his gf is around and he knows I don’t like the idea of her having her alone. He usually says it’s for work, but I don’t usually believe him! But then all the messages etc say something like: need to go to a job can I drop dd with you or shall I find someone else? That doesn’t read as unreasonable at all, does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 17/09/2018 08:33

I don’t know can he Dungeondragon?

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 17/09/2018 08:46

I don’t know can he Dungeondragon?

How can he change his mind if you have a letter of permission from him? If vindictive exes could do that there would be chaos. All you have to do is bring a letter of permission and that is it. They are unlikely to ask anyway if you have the same surname and are travelling with your boyfriend. Why would they expect a letter of permission.
Anyway, in the unlikely event that he is stupid enough to phone the airport and say that you don't have permission when you clearly do, how would that look for him when you take him to court?

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 08:46

If he gives you a letter he can't change his mind can he?

No, he can’t, not if it’s explicitly giving permission, dated and signed by him and a witness.

confusedmomm · 17/09/2018 08:50

Not sure if this is of any help but I have a different surname to DS and we travel often the two of us (DH at work) but never been asked anything upon leaving the country. I always get asked for birth certificate upon return so I asked the last passport official at airport how come it's when you come back rather than go out and she said it's up to the country of entry.
On that basis I don't think you'd get questioned on this end going out. Obv if he calls the airport that's a different story.

Redken24 · 17/09/2018 10:52

No nothing about traveling (rules are different) it's just for contact you see. Im sure it could be enforced but it's a lot of unnecessar hassle when everyone gets on. I hope your ex wizened up today.