Taking dc abroad without dad’s consent

[CandiedPeach]

I’m was hoping he’s just stamping his feet a bit and he’d come round. But he’s collected dd today and quite adamantly said he’s not giving his permission for her to go away with me and my bf and that he’ll phone the airport to tell them he doesn’t want me to take her. Can he actually do this?

We’ve already booked a holiday for October half term, it’s my week to have her and it’s not effecting his contact time at all. I’ve taken dd away before no problems and although he’s given his permission I’ve never actually been asked at passport control.
We don’t have anything legal stating contact etc, which having goggled I think if we did I’d be in a better position and able to take her for up to 28 days without his say so. We’ve just sorted things between us though and we both said we were ok with either of us taking her away for a week, more than a week we’d discuss as DD’s still quite young.

I admit I was unreasonable in booking without actually speaking to him and I’ve apologised for that. But I knew he wasn’t having her at all (ironically he’s away with his gf) and we saw a pretty good deal and honestly I was putting off the inevitable foot stamping from him. I did think he’d be ok with it though, other than an initial moan. He seems really quite serious though and says I absolutely shouldn’t have booked something without speaking to him first and court will agree with him on that.

I’m really not sure what to do now! Do I risk just taking her, despite thinking he’s being a idiot I do think I’d feel bad/guilty taking her if he hasn’t said it’s ok. And obviously I might not even be allowed.
Try talking to him again, but I can’t think of what to say and we ended up arguing when he picked dd up which I don’t like because she was obviously here at the time.
See my solicitor, which I’m thinking it’s time we make things official in some way as we seem to be agreeing less and less. But I do feel bad that it’s come to that and will it be too late in regards to going away at half term anyway.

And is it really so unreasonable to take her away with my bf, when he’s taken her with his gf and his gfs children? It’s the bf he’s got issue with, he’d be fine me taking dd alone or with family.

I mean in general op.

CandiedPeach oh I don’t blame you in the slightest, he sounds like a controlling, spiteful, selfish piece of shit (my XH is the same) who uses parental rights to beat you over the head with, without realising/acknowledging that its parental rights AND RESPONSIBILITIES!

I just didn’t want him to get one over on you over something like a text.

Ugh what a grotty response. Any parent who plays with their child’s welfare as a way to get to the other parent is an unfit piece of shit.

You may want to post in legal. I think you’ll get a specific issue order in time but a solicitors letter might make him see sense. The cost is annoying but it won’t reflect well on him in court that he’s tried to stop DD having a holiday abroad on a week when he is choosing to go away ie it’s not his contact week or anything. Court will also cost him money.

Sorry OP that's a really shitty situation he's put you in and frankly ridiculous. No advice and others are more qualified than me to speak but just wanted to say sorry and hope you sort it out.

He can prevent you from taking her away in the short term.
Your first action is to speak to him again. Ask him for his reasons. If he indicates that it's because of your bf point out that as it's your week to have her, he would not be able to prevent you from going in holiday in the UK. Also point out that if he insists on this, you will counter that with preventing him from taking her abroad if he wishes in the future, and that the only winners to this argument will be the legal people! They will earn lots of money putting actions in place tha will make it legal for you to go abroad with your DD regardless of his wishes.
Tell him you would prefer this to be sorted amicably for her sake.
If he will not see reason, then hot foot it to the courts.

After talking it through with my boyfriend I’m just not sure I want to risk it HappyHedgehog. Right now we only lose around a hundred pounds. My bf was looking and he’s found some lovely places in the uk, although we were thinking Scotland but officially I don’t think we can take her there without his permission but how would he or anyone know with no border control?

This has just resolved that I really need to make things official though for me and dd. I worry about his reaction and I think he’ll make things as difficult as possible but I can’t let that stop me or I’m going to spend my life tip toeing around him and his wants.

He’s already threatened he’ll stop maintenance if I take him to court (he’s not paying for me to pay lawyers and have to pay them himself too) and he’ll say he wants 50/50, even though he can’t manage to colllect dd one night a week from nursery, then on the other end of the spectrum he’ll just stop seeing her!

I’ve been blaming the girlfriend because he got worse when she came along. But I’ve realised she’s just another way to try get at me. He’s a immature idiot, who can’t deal with the fact I’m actually happy with someone else.

Can I suggest you just go to CMS for maintenance then?

You need to stop letting this man control your life.

This is going to be a nasty slog but you need to do it for you and your DD's sake

I don’t think we can take her there without his permission but how would he or anyone know with no border control?

As a Scot who has taken DS1 to England many times, I can confirm you’d be able to take your DD to Scotland without seeking permission as you’re not leaving the mainland of the UK.

And YY to CMS!

I can go to CMS, but he’s self employed and if he wanted to I’m sure he can adjust his accounts so I hardly get anything. We’ll be ok without and I do hope it’s just talk his own dad left and never paid a bean and he hates him for it. I think while he pays a decent amount he feels like a decent father, I also think it makes him feel like I should be grateful or something as well though.

It’s hard because when he’s nice, he’s lovely and we still get on have a laugh etc. And he can be such a lovely daddy. But then he does stuff like this and I just think WHY!

I’m fuming and trying my best not to let it ruin my day. My bf said he feels sorry for him and we’ll sort it out and it will be ok in the end. I’m not sure how he’s so calm.

Aye I hear that, XH has never paid anything (I paid it for one of his DDs when I was married to him because I felt she deserved it) and left me on the bones of my arse for many years.

Honestly, if he offered now? I’d tell him to shove it up his arse, I’ve managed 11 years and DS1 has never gone without.

Prick.

For those saying you might never get stopped, this is probably true if you all have the same surname. We don't and both my husband and myself have been stopped travelling separately with the children, and always travel with a document giving permission for this reason. I guess my husband was stopped as he's a man travelling with children and I was stopped as my name doesn't match my children's.

oooh, you being happy with your BF has rattled him!

He is about controlling you even when he's not with you.

Personally, I'd book a week away in the UK with the BF and I would not tell him where you are going. You can still Facetime etc - with nice BF in the background. He'll lose the plot!

He is not a lovely dady though is he? He is stopping his child going on holiday, and couldnt be bothered to spend today with her.

Don't do anything before speaking to your solicitor tomorrow.

Also, we always did butlins at october half-term with small children. They loved it.

Your boyfriend sounds great and calm! And he’s right. He’s the kind of person you should feel sorry for.
Go see a solicitor about everything. He will regret this decision. It will not end up better for him if you decide to not be all nice and flexible.

I'd point out that if you can't go away, he can't either. Hell soon change his mind.

Is his name on the passport or something? How does anyone know - if you are in receipt of the passport and the child has your surname - if the father has said no at all? As far as immigration are concerned surely the child could be belonging to your boyfriend? I admit I have not read other posts, just the OP's posts but I personally would just lie to the child father and pretend the holiday was cancelled (actually i never would have mentioned it to begin with being honest) and just take her away as planned. it is not his week to have her so how is that an issue? I am in Ireland so might be very different to the UK but I have never ever once asked my ex if I could take our children out of the country - I just do it.

You can definitely take her to Scotland without his permission. It's still part of the United Kingdom, no passports required.

He’s already threatened he’ll stop maintenance if I take him to court (he’s not paying for me to pay lawyers and have to pay them himself too) and he’ll say he wants 50/50, even though he can’t manage to colllect dd one night a week from nursery, then on the other end of the spectrum he’ll just stop seeing her!

It's because of exactly this behaviour that you should take him to court. The relationship between the two of you is negatively impacting on your DD. Her father's just refused to let her holiday abroad because he wants to spite you . Your DD deserves stability and certainty about what's happening in her life. The court takes the position of the child, not so interested in he says, she says. A family law solicitor is your best bet otherwise he's going to interfere in your life whenever he wants.

oooh, you being happy with your BF has rattled him! Definitely Tistheseason. He liked that he still got to do the family stuff with me and dd, days out etc. But could still be a single guy and go out doing what he wants the rest of the time. But I think he thought I’d be there waiting if he ever wanted back in full time. Which is stupid of him because I ended things.

That’s why I said he can be lovely C0untDucku1a he’ll think because DD’s young she won’t be effected by missing a holiday, same with bringing her home early, he took her out yesterday so he feels like he’s done his bit. He’s good at the Disney Dad stuff, days out etc.

He is far from being a good father if he prevents your DD from going on holiday and threatens not to pay maintenance to spite and control you. The best thing you can do for your DD is to go to court and prevent his attempts to control you in the future. He possibly will try to stop paying maintenance for a while in a last desperate attempt to control but if you can manage without it will be worth it for your DD in the future.

I know moredoll I need to sort it properly!

That’s good about Scotland, my bfs really sold it to me.
I’d just read something that said this applies to england and wales. But I thought they can’t say you can’t go to Scotland surely. I think it’s maybe moving there that’s consider differently to other parts of uk though.

Get him to put his reasons in writing and don't just threaten it hop off to a solicitor. He is being controlling and he is perfectly fine with his strip affecting your daughter's lifestyle and relationship. He needs to take a serious step back unless he can demonstrate that your bf or this holiday would be detrimental to her. Which he can't. Honestly what a manipulative duck!

He really is lowtide. He’s so lovely and supportive. He feels guilty that it’s because of him my ex is giving me grief (which of course it isn’t his fault at all).
He says he’s not bothered where we go, he just wants a week the three of us. He’s looked up a few places and googled stuff we could do with dd nearby. It will be the first block of time we’ve spent together with dd, so quite a lot riding on it I guess. Seeing how he is with having her around all the time and all that comes with a toddler.

Ex has asked if he can come round tonight when DD’s in bed to talk about it! So long as bf isn’t here.

I haven’t replied yet, as my bf was planning on staying tonight and I’m not sure what to say/do!