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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter given to family friend at school gate without permission

344 replies

Becklington · 14/09/2018 21:49

Hi
I found out that a new teacher in my daughter's first week at primary school, at school pick up time, gave her to a friend of ours. Our friend, who the teacher does not know at all, thought she was meant to pick her up. The school asks that any parent emails or tells them in person requests for a different person picking up. Clearly this had not happened. I am really upset as a stranger, to all intents and purposes, picked up.our daughter. Our friend said she had to be quite insisting to get her to come with her as my daughter is very shy but the teacher let her go. Clearly she came to no harm but I have lost all faith, trust and confidence. I am wondering if I should report this breach of basic safeguarding...any thoughts please?

OP posts:
Rockandrollwithit · 16/09/2018 18:01

@eveamber

The teacher is absolutely to blame. I once had a grandparent swear at me in the playground as I wouldn't hand over their grandson. I'd never met her before and wasn't expecting her. No matter how insistent someone is, it's up to the teacher to keep the child safe.

FairyFlake45 · 16/09/2018 18:13

Sounds like your friend assumed she was picking up because no one else was there to pick her up? Where was your husband when all this was going on? Sounds like he was very late, so thank goodness your friend was there!

BlurTomato · 16/09/2018 18:24

Is it necessary to go straight to the head? Teacher's new and probably a bit nervous too and caved under an insistent parent that she knows is another parent. It wasn't a total stranger. There was no harm done and your husband was a bit late.

A note to the teacher letting her no uncertain terms who is picking up and when will suffice surely.

Barchester · 16/09/2018 18:31

I agree that it was your husband's fault for being so late. Your friend obviously thought that it was her turn as she saw that your DD had not been collected. However, if your friend was not on the list, then I agree that it is also a safeguarding issue and should be reported to the school.

It is clear from your posts that you are not good at communicating, so I would very careful on how you speak to the school. If you make a song and dance about it and then say in the next breath that your friend is to be added to the list of people authorised to pick up your DD, they will think that you are mad. You should explain clearly to the school that you are adding your friend to the list but that you had not yet done so when she was allowed to take your daughter and so should not have been allowed to do so. You can say that fortunately no harm was done this time but that it should not have happened.

If your DD knew that her father was due to collect her, then why didn't she say so? That would have helped both your friend and the teacher. Or do you not communicate properly with your DD either?

Keelywheely66 · 16/09/2018 18:32

Do people post stupid stuff on here just to cause controversy?? This thread is really quite stupid? What is your point Becklinton? Yoir husband wasn't there and a friend who by the sound of it has collected before (you say she thought it was her turn) took control. In the future make sure you or your husband is there at handover. Simples!!!

MrsWhatToDo · 16/09/2018 18:40

Good lord we need to add a 'like' feature. So many people are totally right here. It's a lot of fuss about nothing really.
If it was a random unknown adult I would understand.
I think our children starting school is a scary adjustment... perhaps your feelings about this are more about that? xx

InertPotato · 16/09/2018 18:41

I feel pretty badly for teachers when I read threads like this. Just have a word with her if you're so shaken by her 'breach'. Don't go reporting her, that's really quite bad form.

ladyvimes · 16/09/2018 19:03

I’m a teacher. This is a serious safeguarding issue and should be reported. It absolutely is the tracher’s fault. A child should never be allowed to go with anyone who is not on the pick up list unless agreed by the parents in advance. I have made grandparents wait in the past in order to seek permission from parents that they are alllowed to collect.
As most children who are abducted are taken by people they know, a ‘family friend’ who the child knows who is insisting they are supposed to be picking up but who is not on the pick up list is a massive red flag. Luckily in this case the friend was genuine but the teacher is massively at fault and OP is right to want to report it.

Katherine2626 · 16/09/2018 19:09

Your friend was forceful with the teacher. Your husband was actually in the playground but didn't see friend or child? Jut how big is the playground? Did he not hear your friend being 'forceful'. The teacher wouldn't know your friend at all if she was a new member of staff. If you report her you will likely cause a lot of trouble .....why would you want to do this? A quiet word would suffice and there are a lot of question marks hanging around this post - as you can see.

Iseveryusernametaken · 16/09/2018 19:19

I think you need to get your ducks in a row OP.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 16/09/2018 19:20

Sounds like you have an arrangement of picking up alternately, if that reads right? So it sounds like your friend was mistaken but if she is someone that often does collect her I don't think the school were being negligent. Just a misunderstanding, but if someone else was meant to collect her why weren't they there? Personally if I was the friend I would be calling to check with you that I had the week right though.

HesterMacaulay · 16/09/2018 19:20

I feel pretty badly for teachers when I read threads like this.
Every teacher on this thread has said the teacher in this instance was wrong. Posters don't seem to understand safeguarding.

Mummyof0ne · 16/09/2018 19:24

If you report this you’re gonna look a bit of a fool. Especially if you are going to add her to the safe list

No harm was done. If anything, I’d be annoyed at Hubby for being late

You’re lucky your friend was there.
I’d personally just drop it,
Otherwise you’re going to make enemies
Of your friend and the school

Charolais · 16/09/2018 19:33

What a country you people have created! No one picked up their children from school back in the 50's and 60's. We had great fun walking home from school.

holey · 16/09/2018 19:34

I was a primary teacher, although started a home business when my DCs were small, about 15 years ago when safeguarding was less stringent. This sort of thing WILL happen in the first few weeks of a new school year. You have a teacher who may or may not be new to the school but in any case is new to the children and their parents and won't recognise any of the parents or other designated "picker uppers". There are around 30 children all with different going home arrangements, many of whom will have different arrangements on different days. Older children will remember the arrangements while younger ones often won't. So if a child has a family friend arrive to pick them up, someone the child knows, even if the child doesn't think that's who should be turning up for them it is exceptionally easy for a mistake to be made, especially as at that given time, there were no parents present. The fact that your husband wasn't in sight confirms to the teacher that your friend is correct.

You are right in that potentially this could have been an issue. However, at the start of any school year I'd say it was reasonable of the school to expect a bit of help from parents by making sure that if they are going to be late picking up, they ring to inform the school, just while arrangements and routines are being established. Otherwise it will be dark before every adult has been fingerprinted by the teacher to ensure they are the correct person for that child on that day. Your husband caused this partly by being late in the first place. If he was arriving in the playground and the children were already out then he was late.

Aragog · 16/09/2018 19:36

Has your friend picked your DD up before?
Is she known to pick up at school?
Who was insistent that dd should go with the friend?

I would speak to the class teacher myself about it. I wouldn't go straight to the head at this stage.

MCamp10 · 16/09/2018 19:37

Tbh, if your instructions and arrangements concerning your daughter and her collection were as confusing and muddled as your post and explanations, I’m not surprised it all went wrong. I’ve been thoroughly confused from start to finish.

Gilly12345 · 16/09/2018 19:42

I feel sorry for the teachers really as misunderstandings happen and you mention whose turn it was to pick up your child, when there are classes of approx 25 children it must be hard for teachers to keep track of who is picking up who and whose turn it is.

Aragog · 16/09/2018 19:43

Ignore my post - hadn't finished reading before I posted (I miscounted the pages)

I hate doing the end of day, as a cover teacher in EYFS and Key Stage 1. Whilst I know most of the children - I work across the school - eventually, I just don't know their parents. I really do have to rely on the children, plus the classroom list as to who is collecting (if not a regular pick-up person) - but tbh as I don't know the regular pick up person either .....

PolloDePrimavera · 16/09/2018 19:47

I'm a secondary teacher and we don't have the same responsibility insofar as seeing who collects the child. I think the teacher is at fault but it really isn't so cut and dried: she didn't willingly hand your child over to your friend and did challenge her. It is worth raising but I think wholly unnecessary to make a big issue out of it.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/09/2018 20:20

Op is going through make a total tit of herself going into complain, and then having to tell the school that the person picking her dd up tomorrow is, wait for it... the same person she complained about on Friday.
Op hasn’t been clear at all that she is definitely not on the authorised list, which is mighty strange considering the arrangement starts tomorrow.

Lifestyleparent · 16/09/2018 20:23

wierd........... either way husband should have been there on time shouldn't he

Blackrose1 · 16/09/2018 20:25

I work in a primary school as a TA. Twice in the last week I Have had parents come to collect a child whose parents have asked to do so, but not notified school. We keep the child and phone the absent parent for verbal clarification before releasing child.

angelfacecuti75 · 16/09/2018 21:29

The school maybe are a bit in the wrong here for letting her go but if she's a designated pick up person then that's kind of understandable as she's not a stranger she's a family friend.
Your friends just got confused cos dh wasnt there so thats a non issue. She's probably doing you a massive favour so don't cut off your nose 2 spite your face.
Your dh wasn't there, on time so that's an issue & that's his fault.
You need to:

  1. Tell the school what days and when your dd is picked up
  2. Your dh needs to make sure he's on time & where he should be , when he should be.
  3. Tell your friend again what days she's doing
  4. Ask the school to give you or dh a ring next time.
Sorry if it wasn't the answer you were looking for but its an honest one.
angelfacecuti75 · 16/09/2018 21:38

&* in addition to point 1:
You need to make sure the school know WHO is picking dd up on what day.
This is my approach from a non nonsensical point of view. Ok teacher may have been at fault & you need to keep her safe but dh isn't blameless either. Learn from it , say what you need to assertively not aggressively but politely, speak to head if necessary & discreetly , speak to your friend re what days nicely and tell your dh off.
End of story. Jobs a good un. Move on x

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