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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter given to family friend at school gate without permission

344 replies

Becklington · 14/09/2018 21:49

Hi
I found out that a new teacher in my daughter's first week at primary school, at school pick up time, gave her to a friend of ours. Our friend, who the teacher does not know at all, thought she was meant to pick her up. The school asks that any parent emails or tells them in person requests for a different person picking up. Clearly this had not happened. I am really upset as a stranger, to all intents and purposes, picked up.our daughter. Our friend said she had to be quite insisting to get her to come with her as my daughter is very shy but the teacher let her go. Clearly she came to no harm but I have lost all faith, trust and confidence. I am wondering if I should report this breach of basic safeguarding...any thoughts please?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 15/09/2018 09:06

I think this is entirely on your DH.

He was late. End of.

He should have been there if you child is that young and you are that wound up about it.

And your child was released to the person who will be collecting your child on regular occasions, a person probably well known to the school.

SavoyCabbage · 15/09/2018 09:08

This sort of bollocks is why there is a teacher shortage. As a country, we’ve got ourselves into a right mess with all of this time being taken up with paperwork.

I’ve been at a school where every morning the TA goes through every reading book and fills in a class list with the names of everyone picking up every child. If they don’t write it in then the office has to ring them up. So that’s a good twenty minutes of valuable TA time.

Then at home time you take the list out on a clipboard. Dismissal takes at least thirty minutes.

When I first went to the school all I could think of was how awful it must be for the children, giving them the impression that there were people who wanted to steal them away from school.

The school was in a very middle class area. Three form entry with none classes overall. In the year group I was in every teacher was a supply teacher. On my second day one of the parents complained about me as her child had hurt her knee on another child’s tray when they had pulled it out and I should have made sure that there weren’t too many children accessing the trays at one time.

Quartz2208 · 15/09/2018 09:16

First off talk to your friend and husband - as others have said he was more than one minute late for all of this to unfold

Secondly one assumes your friend is at the school herself and a fellow parent otherwise how did she know he wasnt there.

Because the likely explanation for the start of this is that your husband was quite late, your friend having picked up her child saw yours still there and no one to meet panicked she was suppose to do it and it started.

BUT you are correct in that the teacher should not have handed over without checking even to another parent

I never agree with going in guns blazing at all especially in this because all of the 3 adults have a part to play. I would type up a specific list of who picks up when and pass to the school office and class teacher and say to stick to it unless told otherwise by you

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 15/09/2018 09:17

Husband was at fault for being a lot more than a minute late

Littlefish · 15/09/2018 09:18

Just speak to the class teacher about this and clarify who is and isn't allowed to pick up. That's all. Job done. No need to speak to the head teacher.

LoveAScaryTaleMe · 15/09/2018 09:20

OP , don't be too surprised if he teacher does not release your child to friend next week if you are going to go in all guns blazing. Unless 'The list' specifies which day the friend is picking up child this is likely to happen again( if friend gets muddled up again)eg friend is supposed to pick up on Monday and Thusday so is therefore on 'the list!' . But friend comes to pick her up on Tuesday, and coincidentally dad is late again, teacher checks list sees friends name, releases child, OP blames teacher again, dad takes no responsibility, friend clearly batty and poor teacher at her wits end.

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 09:20

Sorry yabu. Friend is going to do pick ups - I really don't see your issue Hmm

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 09:22

How are teachers suppose to know. Surely all they can do is ask the child who is collecting them

daffodillament · 15/09/2018 09:22

This thread is hilarious ! Like a cryptic puzzle, we all love 'em..and we got there in the end. I would say Op that you need to VERY specific to:

  1. The school about who picks up and when..

  2. Your husband about importance of punctuality esp at school !

  3. Friend who picks up your child, making sure she knows what days are hers.

  4. When posting on MN because...well, there are some right goady bastards lurking ready to pounce on the first sight of weakness !

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2018 09:22

OP replied yes no as she read. By the time reply posted thread had moved on which confused people who assumed ops answers related to the question directly above. They didn't.

Quickerthanavicar · 15/09/2018 09:28

Could you give the teacher a chart, so he can keep up.

Holidayshopping · 15/09/2018 09:37

Entirely your DH’s fault for being late and I actually don’t believe you that he was only 1 minute late-surely your friend would have still be full flow in her persuasion...

I8toys · 15/09/2018 09:55

Can you make a spreadsheet with who is picking up when with added photos and give to the teacher Monday morning?

Quartz2208 · 15/09/2018 10:01

If he was only one minute late the friend would not have panicked about the fact it was her!

Rodent01 · 15/09/2018 10:13

Nobody else turns up to pick up child and “friend” forcibly insists to teacher she is picking up child. Child obviously knows this adult and teacher then cracks under this insistence and releases child. The friend should be reprimanded for evidently intimidating the teacher and making her do something she clearly didn’t want to do in the first place.

Bigheadache · 15/09/2018 10:14

How are you supposed to identify the parent? Meet them before the first day they have to collect them? Isnt this what home visits and familiarisation sessions are for? To get to know the parents as well as the child before they start school? I don't know but anything but relying on a 4 year old to tell you who is collecting them on their first day when they're overwhelmed with everything new and then releasing them to an adult that waves at them!

In our school if the teacher doesn't recognise the adult they don't go with them until they've confirmed with the office who they are.

If you asked my DC who was collecting them 9 time out of 10 they would probably say Nanny or Grandad because that's who they want to pick them up.

MissClarke86 · 15/09/2018 10:17

Even if the teacher was new to the school, other staff would likely have recognised the lady picking up if she’s picked up before. There’s also transition meetings in which they would have discussed each child and who collects etc. She had probably been told “Normally Dad or mums friend so-and-so collects her.”

MANY parents don’t keep those forms updated and it’s very hard to keep on top of when you are dismissing 30 children alone with other impatient parents and trying to keep them all safe. When unexpected people turn up, we phone parents but this is often tricky when you are alone - especially when there are a few of them that need phoning and we don’t have the phone numbers easily to hand so have to send up to the office to ask.

So, if you have seen the adult before (or been told by other member of staff that they have collected before) sometimes the decision has to be made that they are a safe, known adult and therefore it’s likely that they’re meant to be collecting that day.

Obviously absolutely not with an unknown person.

Tirednanny · 15/09/2018 10:22

Big heachache if you read my original post I said it was different for reception aged children as they have home visits.
I also asked op how old the child was.
If a child is older how are you supposed to know the parents beforehand?

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/09/2018 10:23

No, the teacher shouldn't have released your child to the friend BUT your husband must have been REALLY late for this situation to occur.

If you complain to the Head, don't complain again if they are not keen to release your child to your friend when you do say she can collect though - and be prepared for a counter-complaint that your DH was so late that this situation occurred in the first place.

RainySeptember · 15/09/2018 10:49

I can't believe some of the replies here.

If a child was collected by a stranger and murdered, you'd really be blaming Dad for being a few minutes late?

I teach, and parents are late sometimes. It's still our job to keep the child safe.

Obviously you can only be expected to take reasonable steps. If child says that's mummy, I believe them.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 10:51

Nobody else turns up to pick up child and “friend” forcibly insists to teacher she is picking up child. Child obviously knows this adult and teacher then cracks under this insistence and releases child. The friend should be reprimanded for evidently intimidating the teacher and making her do something she clearly didn’t want to do in the first place

I agree with this.

Also, if your DDs parent had been there in the first place, none of this would have happened.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 10:52

DDs school hold them all back until they see the person picking them up. Teachers can’t be expected to memorise every person that comes to the school gates, especially not this early in a new term!

GratedCarrotStick · 15/09/2018 11:01

"Our friend had to be forceful with the teacher, convincing her she was correct to be taking her".

So it wasn't as simple as the teacher handing her over to the wrong person, your friend insisted and told the teacher she was wrong.

RainySeptember · 15/09/2018 11:15

"So it wasn't as simple as the teacher handing her over to the wrong person, your friend insisted and told the teacher she was wrong."

Teachers shouldn't succumb to that pressure. I'm sure a child-murdering psychopath could be very convincing if she needed to be. If it's not who you expected, you don't release the child.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. There's fault on both sides and it was an innocent mistake, but Head needs to know to ensure it doesn't happen again.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 11:23

Teachers shouldn't succumb to that pressure

They shouldn’t be put in a position where that pressure is applied!

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