To the two ladies at Dingwall Road bus stop in Croydon at 16.15pm today ...

[ArbitersCarbiters]

It is never acceptable for you (without permission) to reach out and touch a black woman’s hair.

How would you feel if a complete stranger came up to you on the street, complimented your hair cut and then immediately reached out their hands to run it through your hair?

You crossed an unacceptable boundary in doing so.

In case you were still wondering:
(A) One of you being 72 years of age is not an excuse.
(B) You thinking it is beautiful and that your actions were meant as a compliment is not an excuse.
(C) The owner of said hair smiling and laughing it off is not an excuse.*

*This is most important because as soon as she got on that bus i.e. away from your inappropriate wandering hands, she expressed that she was exhausted after a long day at work, froze when you did what you did and didn’t have the wherewithal or energy to tell you how unacceptable it was for fear of hurting your feelings and/or being labelled as aggressive/overreacting. I know this feeling well as I have very often experienced and felt the same thing (so has she in the past, in case you were wondering). This is why I spoke for her. This is why I told you it was not an acceptable thing to act so intimately with a person you had never met. This is why I told you that she had said nothing to you for fear that she would cause you offence. In doing so, I was speaking for the many of us who have to put up with this shit everyday.

I imagine you will go home and talk about the angry busybody black woman who had the temerity to question your right to touch another woman’s hair. Let it be known that I spoke to you politely, with a smile and no discernible anger in my voice. But trust me when I tell you that I was angry. Remember this the next time you feel like complimenting someone in such a demeaning, inappropriate way. We are not pets whose fur you can ruffle at will. We are not children. We are women, just like you, who hold the right to go about our daily business without fear of being touched intimately by a stranger.

AIBU?

This used to happen to me 25 years ago as a blonde when I lived in Istanbul. I hated it.

Teabag

You said it better than me. I am annoyed that people don't want to listen. Their first reaction is to reject the idea that someone has experiences they know nothing about

Get a grip you lot, I agree with NorrisButter too many Snowflakes on here.

Race is relevant here; the woman

Teabag5 if I could give you a round of applause on here I bloody would!

You put it far more articulately than I managed.

People shouldn't touch other people's hair (particularly strangers) without persmission, full stop. Regardless of race. Anyone who has slightly different hair gets touched I think you'll find - long hair, red hair, very curly hair, Afro hair, whatever. Not saying it's right, but why do you assume it's just a race issue?

I used to have waist length hair in my 20s and sometimes my boss used to plait it in meetings!! I thought it was quite funny actually and said more about him than me.

I don't think it was your business to step in and tell the women off on someone else's behalf - also a stranger.

So you spoke to them AND posted on here to tell them too?? Why?
A poster did that a couple of weeks ago when she helped a mum in Primark whose child was having a meltdown, got pretty much attacked for "showing off" and the thread was taken down after a bunfight ensued.
Hopefully this won't happen...

sittingonacornflake see my post 2 above yours.

I can't speak to the other posts but mine wasn't defensive, it was in support of the woman whose hair was touched. Why should she like it? I don't either.

Touchers-of-other-people don't seem to care because they see something/someone they want to touch and they just do it. The fault lies with them.

I can't know what it's like to be a black woman because I'm a white woman. I can't know what it's like to have a black woman's hair but I can know what it's like to have mine touched, without permission and I can know how that feels (I think). Perhaps as a black woman that touching of her hair - along with the myriad other things that I don't know, can't know and will never be aware of, make the hair-touching feel very different to my own experience. I accept that. I was just trying to be empathetic because I hate it too.

Why have you posted OP if you told them already?

Lying

I didn't mean you at all

Sorry didn't mean to post twice asking same thing

@teabag5 please enlighten me to which part of my comments stated that white women are privileged? I merely referred to one topic - hair touching. I generalised (with the assistance of soup dragon's kind extension to my point) that no one should be subject to being touched by anyone without consent. Have I at any point said I am not a black woman myself? Very assuming of you.

Touching someone's hair is inappropriate, commenting on it in a complimentary way is fine. What I can't understand is where race comes into the picture.

Is this thread for real?!

It's really really interesting to me how defensive this post has made some people. They can't wait to say it never happens, it never happened, it happens to other people, it's not about race or the objectification of black people

I agree- it’s horrible to read.

Busy body

Those who are saying it’s nothing to do with race, do you honestly have other people of the same race coming up and touching your hair?
The people who have touched my hair (rubbed my stubble) have been white like me.
It would only only be a race thing if it was only done to one particular race. But it's not as several people on here have said. What next? Brunette-privilege because brunettes haven't supposedly had their hair touched as much as people with red / ginger hair? Male privilege being invoked because it's mainly women?
The issue is that some people overstep personal boundaries. That needs stopping. If you make it a 'black issue' then you're blurring the message completely because people won't be focusing on the unacceptable action but on the colour of someone's skin. Result of that = don't touch a black woman = everyone else is fair game. It should be - don't touch.

You are wildly patronising Teabag

No ok it really has nothing to do with skin colour. My friend is white and has unusual hair and strangers attempt to touch it all the time.... so again nothing to do with your skin. It doesn't make it worse if you are black. It's just rude full stop.

I would have been more humiliated by a stranger speaking for me than someone touching my hair.

People like DonnyDuds and
Flintastic are trolls and not worth the energy sadly

DarklyDreamingDexter please can you stop saying this is an issue that affects ALL people! It's like the whole AllLivesMatter thing. Racism exists! If you don't want to acknowledge that please educate yourself! You wouldn't deny sexism exists I presume???
When you say things like "oh this happened to me one time..." (or the other pp who mentioned her trip to Thailand) it is totally missing the point that these occurrences happen EVERYDAY for black women!! Read about misogynoir.

LyingWitch.. thank you for clarifying your stance and acknowledging you can't presume others' experiences.

Can all the white people stop being so defensive please?!!!!!

It doesn't matter what race a person is nobody should be laying their hands on them.
I have 3 red headed children two have curly hair.
My oldest used to get very upset with people reaching out and touching his hair and I had to tell people not to as he doesn't like it and it upsets him.