Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Erm I have 4 kids Im pretty much always late getting them to school.

I believe that the bottom line is that you're just not that important to them. If you were, they'd be there. I had a friend like this but in end I ditched her because it's so disrespectful.

I'm mildly autistic and really struggle with timings (and numbers, judging distances etc.) If I need to drive somewhere and see that the route should take 20 minutes, I probably won't remember to factor in the time it takes to walk to the car (with a toddler!) and park.

I keep my autism secret so have never explained why I'm constantly late, which I realise must cause frustration!

But why? If your always 10-15 minutes late for example, then you are still getting them ready on the same type of schedule everyday?

I have 2 under 2 and still manage to be on time the vast majority of the time, I just factor in extra getting ready time to balance any poonami disasters/toddler trantrums etc

Because I lost the car keys, had to change a nappy, toddler had to poo just as we were leaving, had to argue about not bringing a particular toy, I suddenly realised I had forgotten to get myself ready. The list could go on

no help here as i am also always on time. i too get anxiety about being late and will rush what i am doing/run to school etc if i think my schedule has slipped a little. obviously i can't control traffic etc but i too have friends who are always late.

i don't know why? underestimating how long it takes to do things eg peg out washing will only take 5 minutes when actually it takes 20.

@skylucy...I hadn't thought of this, it's a helpful perspective to see.

I don't know Op. But i find it rude and very frustrating when people think you should just expect them to be late to things

I think it n some cases it’s anxiety. Some people are unable to leave the house without going to to loo again and again, just in case, or checking the iron, whether the door is locked and so on

Others are just disorganised and keep losing keys, wallets and so on and are late because of that.

And then if course are the twats who just don’t care.

4 is double 2 and one is disabled. luckily the school is understanding!

I have no clue either, myself and my mother have always been the “I’d rather be 20 minutes early than 5 minutes late” kind of people. Whereas our cousins are a family full of people who, no kidding, turn up to family events almost an hour late with no real reason (they have no kids and drive themselves) but they have always been like this so we just expect it every time now!

I can’t understand it, if you know the location, you can (without look at maps) majority of the time guesstimate in your head how long it will take?!

Its alien to me, it really is…

@snitvelvoncrumb...but that's life, we all have those things to deal with, I know I certainly do with a 19month old and 5 month old in tow.

I have 4 children and have never once been late for school

@creeper8...well your circumstances are completely understandable in that case. Genuinely, hats off too you, must be very hard.

I once read that people who are always late don’t consider themselves late until they are actually late. So if they need to be somewhere 20 minutes away at 3pm, they wouldn’t consider it late if they were still at home at 2.50. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I am always early. I sit in restaurants alone a lot.

You get ridiculous anxiety if you're running late, I get panic attacks and vomit if I have to wait on my own for someone. So I'm always late if I'm meeting someone somewhere.

If I'm going to someone's house - the buses round here aren't the most reliable when you need them to be 🙄.

I'm the pathologically punctual friend, but honestly 15 minutes is nothing and well forgivable, things happen. I have friends who have turned up more than 2-3 hours late before (more than once). Once I got a message at the time we had agreed to meet, that they were just heading to the gym and would be there after. Some people just don't care.

I'm a lone parent of two we have never been. Late for school. Scraping in at a dash yes but not gates locked late.

I'm rarely late for meetings and I'm v uncomfortable about it

@ladycassandra...I often wonder if this is the thought process. It's bizarre.

For me it’s because I have massive anxiety about leaving the house (and being late ironically!) so I get myself in a state, forget things and generally make the whole thing harder (and so take longer) than it needs to be

I don’t do it on purpose and I definitely don’t think other people’s time is less important, I just struggle to get myself together. Doesn’t matter how early I start getting ready either, something always happens last minute to delay me even if I think I’m organised. I sometimes wonder if I self-sabotage to avoid doing something I find hard (going out) but if that’s the case I’m not doing it consciously and really wish I could stop.

For some people it is related to anxiety - going out is a bit scary, so they don't do it until they absolutely have to, by which time they're late. Or they worry about what they will do if they get there early - will they look/feel silly standing waiting? Will they have to chat to a stranger? - so they make sure they're not early (Yes, I know that means the other person has to wait around for them all the time. It's a common feature of anxiety to believe that other people just seem to cope so much better)

Or difficulties with planning. I used to be late A Lot, then after hearing some programme on the radio I started adding 15 minutes to however long I thought it would take to get somewhere. Miraculously, I started to be on time. I don't know why it took me over 30 years to find that out

I find it really hard to get away from one situation to be on time for the next. Like for example I am awful at trying to excuse myself from a meeting or conversation even though I know it’s going to make me late for the next one. I hate leaving a task unfinished or part finished. I never leave myself enough travel time - I start by leaving contingency and by the time I’ve left my previous task it’s alteady gone so then traffic etc means I’m late.
I hate being late, I get anxious about it and will end up not being able to sleep the night before something important because I’m so afraid of being late but I just don’t seem to be able to sort it out.

I also think that fully grown adults with no other responsibilities ie little kids, people with zero issues mh or otherwise are just selfish and think that your time and company are just not important.

Being late, to me, is extremely disrespectful and unnecessary.
It's not ok to me. I have cut people out for this in the past.

I have tried to understand it and process the excuses, but always come back to the conclusion that they are selfish individuals that I have no time for. I wait around for no one. Especially not if it's a regular occurrence.

It's true that some people don't care, but people with ASD, dyspraxia or ADD can all struggle with lateness. One of my oldest friends is an Aspie and he has never had any sense of time.

I read on here a few years ago that some people don't factor in any prep needed before physically stepping out of the house as they don't consider themselves late until the time of the event has actually arrived. So a meeting at 9:15am in a town 20 mins away, they wouldn't consider themselves late until 9:15 arrived, despite only just getting into the car.

Whereas others will count backwards from the time of the event and alot a time slot for each step taken:
ie. 5 mins for walking to place,
5 mins for parking,
20 mins for driving,
10 mins to get coats and shoes on and into car,
20 mins for clothes on a teeth brushed etc.