Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Those who have excuses will make sure they're not late for a plane.

So they can be on time when they have to be They just choose not to be most of the time.

No excuses, just selfish. You're just not important enough for them to care. That's the brutal reality of it.

I find it incredibly frustrating when people are late. I’m an awkwardly early or on time person. It is a prioritisation thing.

Also I think there is a link between more people who drive who are often late. I hate driving and would always bus if possible. As a result of this I can sometimes leave 1-2 h before time to make sure I’m there on time. I might get there 20 minutes early but I would much prefer that. Whereas if you are getting the car you leave say 10 minutes drive away but if there’s traffic or car is frozen you are caught out late.

Disclaimer: I am not calling mental health problems an excuse. I just mean the disorganised people.

@namechangemum100 maybe the majority of the people on here are usually on time for these things, but I can assure you that, despite tremendous effort on my part, I am not.

theturnofthescrew yeah... of course its a spectrum so some people will find it hard but still eventually be able to do it quite often... what im saying is they arent just being 'rude' are they? Its genuinely a struggle for some people. So I just think all the people on here getting the rage about friends who are constantly late should perhaps just take a step back and not take it so personally...
I mean dont wait for people if its going to ruin your day... but dont waste energy on vitriol for people like its a personal insult to you that they arent on time!

Because I'm ill and disabled and my body likes to mess with me when I need to be somewhere at a paticular time,sadly I never know when this is going to happen so can't plan for it.

Before I got ill if I was late it would have been because I was a single mum to 4DC and 1 was a breastfeeding newborn and things happen that you really can't plan for when it comes to a newborn and lots of young DC!

I lost every job I ever had until I got one with no fixed hours!
Both from being late and getting shifts and days mixed up etc

mean dont wait for people if its going to ruin your day... but dont waste energy on vitriol for people like its a personal insult to you that they arent on time!

But it actually is a personal insult. If you can be on time for work or your plane trip but you are an hour late to meet me for coffee, it is a personal insult. You have just told me that I'm not important enough to try for, because when you really try you can be on time.

Everyone is late sometimes, thats ok. But people who do it all the time and then claim its not their fault and everyone else should just be more understanding, they are incredibly self absorbed.

but its the people who do it all the time who probably have the problems isnt it?
If they are doing it constantly it cant be about you specifically can it?
Im pretty sure most people most of the time do not want to be late.

I think its more self absorbed not to acknowledge that peoples sense of time may be different to yours and it may be about that and not their lack of respect for you....

@madeoficecream big hugs, I've lost jobs as well

People who are getting angry and saying we're just making excuses just don't get it. We want to be better (well, I know I do), and I know I make a huge effort on a daily basis to try to be better, and beat myself up if I don't meet my goals.

I'm not saying I want sympathy. I don't. I own my problem and know I need to improve, and I know I'd be much happier if I could. But you did ask the question.

Sister blames having 4 kids for always being late. Except she was always late when she was single and then married without kids too. She just doesn't think being on time is that important.

Those who have excuses will make sure they're not late for a plane

But you have a window of time to get to the airport not a specific time.

I am always 10 minutes late. I have no idea why. I can set off with a spare 2 hours and traffic, transport conspires against me and I am always 10 minutes late.

I have regularly set off for a place with plans to go out to lunch and eat, before going on to do some window shopping, have afternoon tea and then meet someone.
That is the day that that every tube station has signalling problems, the bus breaks down and the taxi gets into an accident. When I set out for somewhere with a specific time I need to be somewhere the universe conspires against me.

its a nightmare the amount of effort I have to put in to be on time. I have to set everything up at the start of the week so its incredibly simple.

But isn't that just what most people do? I think about what I'll want to wear, make sure everything's washed and ironed, sort out any papers I'll need to take with me, charge my phone and tablet, make sure I've got change for coffee... So that each morning in the week I just have to get ready and go.

I will even sometimes arrive early but sit in my car or walk around the block until dead on the time I am meant to be there.

Again, isn't this just something a lot of people do?

When people are habitually on time, this isn't something that magically happens without any effort on their part. They've planned ahead, established routines. And sometimes it does take up a bit of time on a Sunday, but that's more than made up for by the time and worry saved during the week.

If you get to work on time as my sister has done consistently then yes you can help it.

Firstborn but the people I know IRL who are always late are not like this. They simply don’t care, don’t think it’s important. No mental health issues, no physical health issues, no processing problems, no anxiety. So no excuse.

Yes Ankorwaat, I too see a couple of families rushing a long the same time every morning about to be late for school - the mums always look really stressed about it, so I've always wondered "it's been at least 4 years, why can't you set your alarm clocks a little earlier".

However, this thread (and others like it) have opened my eyes to the idea of concepts of time being chaotic to people. I can understand dyslexia etc, and why someone can't read the same way I can (it's the same letters) and maths etc, but why haven't I really considered time to be something people can struggle with? These mums look so stressed it certainly doesn't seem as if they don't prioritise their kids education.

So whilst I will continue to be me, pathologically early for everything, book tickets in advance because I can't stand the idea of queueing and risking not getting one etc, I will try so much harder to understand that everyone works a bit differently.

After all, my way isn't the 'best' way. Sure I'm almost never late for things, but the anxiety I sometimes get if I'm running late, or worried the alarm won't go off is often completely disproportionate to the situation and almost certainly not balanced or healthy. I'm better at being 'on time' but I'm not a better human.

Had a friend like this once upon a time. Didn't work, children were adults, her DH out at work all day etc etc.
Always late. I'd call and ask where she was, she'd say she's running late and be there in 15 minutes, then was always another 30 mins....
Totally exasperating. I had a busy, busy life at the time and prioritized seeing her (and other friends) and being on time.
I believe it was all about power-she thought she was more important than me or any other friend she met.
The friendship is now over.

Agree that to be on time requires planning ahead and often leaving early and hanging about. I am bad with directions so if it is somewhere I have not been before, I always leave loads of extra time to get there and often end up having to hang about for half an hour. But that is what it takes to be on time.

@rivertam I'm fairly certain there are people who think exactly the same about me. There's just no way to tell from the outside.

I’m usually exactly on time or 5 minutes late (not enough to annoy anyone I hope!!), but I think it stems from always being the first to arrive somewhere as a child. My DM was always early for everything and I remember feeling embarrassed hanging around waiting for others to arrive. I also remember the look on party hosts faces when they were rushing around doing last minute things and we turned up 10 minutes early.
Lateness is annoying, but being too early can also be annoying. I guess it’s difficult planning to arrive exactly on time - because as soon as one little thing goes wrong (usually stuck behind a tractor around here!) you are inevitably a few minutes late.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Worked with someone who was always late. She just carried on talking, or doing things even when others were saying she had to leave now. But she was always on time if it was really really important.

I have ADHD and have no sense of time. I have to consciously calculate things and add them on separately, this isn't an automatic process for me and I have to remind myself to do it which I often forget. We had an appointment this morning to register DC's birth at 11, google said it would take 17 minutes to drive there, so I thought we'd leave at about 10.30 - that to me seems like loads of time. However DH pointed out we need time to get the baby down to the car, sort buggy etc, find parking, account for traffic, find the room etc and so we really needed to start leaving at about 10.10. Actually we were early, but it would have been better than my estimate, if we'd have gone at my time idea then we would have been late - and this was with me thinking I'd accounted extra time, knowing that I normally wouldn't.

In addition if DH hadn't mentioned getting all the documents etc we needed ready the other day, I probably would have been scrabbling around for those at 10am and missed even my 10.30 deadline.

I didn't know I had ADHD until I was 25 so it can be undiagnosed in adults too.

@lovestonap you're lovely

Firstborn (there’s no pint in @ing me, btw, I’ve switched my notifications off) but the people I know who do this I know very well, so I know that your issues don’t apply.

Taking away medical reasons or disabilities I think late people are just selfish and think their time is more important than yours.
Chronic lateness really pisses me off, especially when the person does the whole tinkly laugh, aren't I so ditsy routine and doesn't actually apologise.