Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

people with ASD, dyspraxia or ADD can all struggle with lateness
I'm the opposite - always early because I have to factor in traffic jams (that never occur), parking issues (even though it would only involve an extra 20 seconds walk), the person arriving before me and me not spotting them.....

if one of my friends is late im old enough to occupy myself for half an hour.
Yes but if you'd had a heads up that they were going to be late you could have done more before you left & set off later. I can occupy myself waiting but I don't see why I should have to just because they couldn't be bothered to arrive on time.

Hopeless optimism is my excuse

See that's the kind of 'cutesy' excuse that's really infuriating for the person that's left waiting an hour.

I'm exactly the same RangeRider - I think I missed my calling as a disaster planner, I've never met an obstacle I hadn't factored in time for yet

But the last thing I need is to start feeling offended by those who are late, if I cut out all the laid back people and hopeless optimists in my life, I'd be all the more poorer for it.

I am persistently late (usually around 5 mins). It's not that I don't care or whatever I'm late for isn't important, it's because I have no sense of time/how long things take, get distracted easily and procrastinate. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and mornings are especially difficult for me to organise myself. I'm infamously bad for catching public transport. Luckily, my circle of friends are the same, if not worse, than I am. We simply accept one/all of use are going to be late and plan accordingly.

My DS also suffers with the aspect of planning/timing and we both rush to get anywhere on time. He's currently under assessment for ADD.

I am always late. Only a few minutes and generally then make the time up by running everywhere. I think it's a combination of being very task focused - I find it almost impossible to leave something half done and pick it up again later. And I massively over estimate the amount of things I can get done in a certain time, especially with kids involved. I've tried lots of things like putting clocks earlier, starting getting ready earlier, preparing more things the night before, and nothing seems to help. I genuinely find it difficult - it's not coming from a place of a lack of care. My husband is someone who is always early and tries to help me but still doesn't seem to work

I am usually slightly late. Nothing major, from 5-15 mins depending.

For me it's that I don't build in any contingency time and I'm not particularly disciplined. I'm certainly not consciously thinking that my time is more important than someone else's, but I should consider whether unconsciously that's what's going on.

We had this topic on here before. One interesting consideration was if these people managed to be on time for really crucial things, like a flight, urgent vital appointments or even work. In other words, any kind of situation where lateness could carry a heavy personal loss. Funny enough quite a few persistent latecomers can moderate their behaviour to not be late when it would have a significant negative impact. In that case, they are thoughtless feckers who do not value your time. I would excuse and tolerate the odd lateness, we can all have some transport problems etc. But if it were habitual, I would not wait around and probably stop making any arrangements, I have no tolerance for this kind incisiderate behaviour.

*considerate Really got sticking keyboard today

I'm always late, I wish I wasn't and do try not to be. If say the latest I need to leave is 10, I will tell myself the latest I need to leave is 930 and aim for then. But somehow I still wouldn't manage to leave at 930 or 10. I don't know what I'm doing, I faff about a lot, I get distracted when getting ready - so for example will start doing something completely not necessary or just day dreaming, and not doing what I need to, and also I have mild ocd so need to run about the house checking everything before I can leave. I really do try and no it doesn't mean the person I'm meeting isn't important. It's only got worse since having DC so I tend to say I'll let you know when I'm leaving the house, so they don't have to wait around.

People who are always very late just don’t like being the one kept waiting so don’t leave early enough imo.
I do the same as you with persistent offenders op and arrange to meet an hour before I’ll be there. I still arrive before they do though!

My best friend is late to everything. Always has been. I'm the total opposite and am usually at least 15 minutes early to everything. I know for a fact my BF is not rude she's just useless at factoring in her time and thinks she's got ages so she'll have a shower but forget time to factor in drying her hair or whatever. She's always late sometimes it drives me nuts but after 18 years now I just expect it lol.

Literally. Always. Late.

Lateness stressed me out, I get anxious that I am going to be late so always leave much earlier than I need to.
Then if someone else is late I worry that I have the wrong day, the wrong place, they have been in an accident.

I hate being late!! My mum is always late and we were always late for school and it was embarrassing! There was 6 of us to get out the door and she always blamed us but she is still late now we have all left home. I think it's habit now for her.
I am always early unless there are unforseen delays. I try not to stress about it too much but find myself rushing the kids to get ready when we have plenty of time.
My DH however is always late and it drives me mad. We are always waiting for him but I have learnt to manage him, telling him earlier times or adding extra time to whatever time he tells me.
If I know someone is always late I normally tell them an earlier time or allow myself to be later arriving.

for very important things like airplanes, hospital appointment, sitting down for fav TV show even, I bet the majority of these people are on time.

Because flights and hospital appointments, particularly flights, have a hard and fast ‘be there or miss it’ deadline. If you struggle with timekeeping as I do, you have to really push yourself to make these deadlines. It can be very difficult, it can take extra planning, it can be very stressful, but you have no option. You’re not going to put yourself through the same rigourous planning for a drink in the pub.

I have missed a flight.

One habit i know i share with my mother, that of leaving plenty of time to catch a train.

We would regularly set off from home in plenty of time, then once near at the station would hear the training coming and rush madly to catch it. Sometimes, we found ourselves on one train earlier than planned, one memorable occasion it was two trains earlier.

Everyone has to plan to be on time. I don’t get the people thinking they’ve got time to do extra things. Surely if you are literally always late then you learn that you have to leave earlier than you estimate?
Fair enough if it’s a casual arrangement of I’ll get there sometime after 12 or something. But if you’ve arranged a time then the time you arrive IS important. I’m sure it would seem important if it was you hanging around for hours because someone else thought it was too much effort to meet you on time.

See I don't think hopeless optimism is being cutesy, I think it's actually very prescient. Basing your timings on the best case rather than worst possible scenario.

I am a reformed late person and had to learn the lessons that are so obvious to most of you. Counting backwards, allowing contingency time etc.

So for example I knew to get to school for 8:45 we needed to leave at 8:30. Where I went wrong was using 8:30 as a trigger point without understanding that the shoes on, coats on, grab water bottle, run back upstairs to get book etc, all added another 5-10 minutes to the proceedings and that it had to be LEAVE THE HOUSE at 8:30, with a trigger point of 8:20 to get cracking.

Extrapolate this across every situation in life and you have a lateness problem.

You’re not going to put yourself through the same rigourous planning for a drink in the pub

Yes so what you are saying flights and hospital appointments are worth making the effort for. Getting your kids to school on time or meeting a friend on time (or within 5 minutes of when you said you'd be there) doesn't matter. This is why schools have had to get so tough.

Why is it ok for your friends to have to hang around for you? That's ultimately the key question. It really isn't that stressful to eg get a bus earlier than the one you thought you'd need. Lets say you are meeting at 7.30 and the bus arrives at 7.28. The one before arrives at 7.12. (I am assuming an urban regular bus service here!). The late people would get the one that gets in at 7.28. I would get the earlier one.

When I go into work I have a choice of two trains that arrive at 8.30 and 8.40. It is a 20 minute walk to work and I need to be in by 9am. So I get the earlier train to allow for some delay time (10 mins is sometimes not enough but I'm not being REALLY early). But I don't get the one that allows no delay time at all. It's common sense really.

You’re not going to put yourself through the same rigourous planning for a drink in the pub.

Why not? The other person probably has. As said above, people who are on time have put in the effort to plan, to make deadlines, out of courtesy towards the person they're meeting. But they don't deserve to have the same courtesy extended to them?

BIL & FIL are always late.

When they stayed with us there was a plan to leave at 8.30 for a day out. They left at 10.30 because FIL arsed around for ages.
In their cases it’s totally self centredness and rudeness and generally not giving a shit about other people.

See I don’t understand that at all. If you are persistently late (valid reasons aside like learning disabilities which may mean you need outside help to keep appointments). Surely after it’s happened a few times it must click that you need to leave earlier! I genuinely think most persistently late people just like to be greeted rather than hanging around. Guess what - so does everyone - but some people have manners!

I did miss a flight once but I was very close to Heathrow airport 2 hours before! But there was a problem with the tube and they kept pushing us from bus to tube to bus. I remember saying I could walk it in less time and the policeman being scornful (it was 5 miles, easily walkable in the time). Anyway I was late and arrived about 5 minutes after the plane had left. Fortunately it was back in the days when airlines were nice and they booked me on a later flight without charging me extra. Just imagine that now.

@CoughLaughFart I always plan for everything as if I've arranged to meet someone at a certain time then it is very important to me that they're not kept waiting.
I use the memos on my phone to note train times etc or look at google maps to check what time I'd need to leave (and add extra time) then make notes of what time I need to leave etc. I know exactly how long it takes me to shower, wash & dry hair and do make up (then add extra time).
I'd hazard a guess that punctual people just place more importance on these things and plan accordingly, I doubt it's some inborn gift.