Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

With regards to work - I can't leave until my replacement turns up.

On a Mon and Tues my replacement is always late by 5 or 10 minutes. Might only be 5 minutes but they are my 5 minutes that I'm not being paid for and are impacting on what I need to do after work.

I don't care what her reasons are and yes, management should speak to her or if they don't want to then they should accept that I leave at my finnish time, not cover this late arrival.

If it impacts on other people then those people have the right to be upset or annoyed. You can't control how other people feel about your behaviour towards to them.

And I don't know what some of you do for jobs but if I were a client/customer/patient of someone who rushed in to speak to me late and disorganised I'd complain or take my elsewhere so I don't think employers should always be so relaxed about lateness

SleepingStandingup - absolutely! It is rude to suggest life coaches for people like this, so that they can sort themselves out. That would never even enter my mind to suggest something like that to my friend, who I absolutely love. So those suggestions are indeed ridiculous.

But all I am saying is that if you make that arrangement to involve another persons time then try and make a greater effort to be on time. Make it a conscious choice. And as I said before, every day life can and does happen - traffic, sudden family emergency, sudden Work emergency, sudden School emergency, your toddler throwing the mother of all tantrums and refusing to get into the buggy etc. And it happens to all of us and being late in those situations is not bad, it’s unavoidable. But when there’s nothing going on, a person is still late, over and over again? Like I said, I just decline meet ups now. I adore this person. By the time she turns up I need to be going.

Lurker and Unique, I only have a 3 yo but ttc baby 2. I suspect in the Midlands you but a few years behind

brown paper. We get it. I'm not sure actually what my percentage lateness would turn out to be. Perhaps it's not so very different from others on this thread. I am always on time when I give my friend's dd a lift to forest school for example, and was this morning despite the flap about keys, but I did have a shouting match with dd1 about dawdling, which tbh I'd rather not have had. If it was something like meeting my friend and her son in the park, it's nicer all round if you can shrug off one another's imperfections sometimes and not take it all so personally. Would they have suggested the meet up in the first place if they really didn't value you? Have they brought an extra coffee with them because they know you'll appreciate it? Do they remember to ask about your sick cat? Or are they a selfish fucker that you are better off letting slide?

I'm from a family of get-everywhere-at-least-15-minutes-early...even with four primary-ages children I have never been late for school...I know a lot of people aren't like me and that's fine. But, what I don't like, is when people don't even start getting ready till a time they know will make them late but do not bother to tell you. My ex's family all did this. It's discourteous. My daughter has dyspraxia and her mind can be woolly with many thoughts so she can be very disorganised and end up running late...I've always taught her to let the other person know! (And to leave PLENTY of time for really important appointments!)

Good luck ttc Sleep! If you really are me it should happen soon. I had a bit of a time of it ttc dd2 x

Pony tbf I think consistently several hours late is the extreme end of late and I don't blame you for not meeting up. The point some of us have made is just that if you are known to be regularly a little late but communicate actually your friends can be quite happy to accommodate. Not harpy your late but happy to accept it isn't personal or lack of being bothered and would prefer to wait 5 or 10 minutes and see you than not. Of course I try not to be late. It causes me huge anxiety when I can find the bank card or the key. As much as I think card in purse card in purse there's a temporary blip and I put it elsewhere and then I can't remember why or where. DH will lend me his or I'll take cash if necessary (DH asks for it back the very second I'm in the door!) so that I'm not too late.

As hard as some of us try, the improvements still don't get us up to where most people start

@sleepingstandingup @longestlurkerever Dd2 took her time to come along as well. Mirrors itself in life now actually 😂. We need to leave the house at 1:15 and I'm already thinking of what needs to be ready for leaving, laying coat, shoes, bag etc out. I'll start trying to get DD2 to go to the toilet in half an hour then hopefully we'll be on time!

Me and my friend are vastly different. If a journey takes 1.5 hours to go to a show, I would allow 2.5 hours, to allow time for traffic, parking, walking to venue etc

I am like you. Fortunately DH is too, I think we'd have so many arguments if we weren't the same. In fact he needs to build in more contingency than I do. DS goes mad, he hates getting everywhere early but I think he is beginning to realise that you do get queues on motorways and the like, so you do need to assume at least some delay.

I think in an effort to explain it probably sounds like lurker and I are 3 hours late for everything.
I'm not, but I'm late more often than say Pork and me getting there on time requires more "drama", "effort" because I can't remember or find or get distracted etc.
We are, once again, first to school. Because I understand that if we're late, it disrupts the whole class, teacher has to come and get him, he'd be embarrassed if he was old enough to care. Sometimes we are though and I aplogise profusely and try harder next time.

Yesterday I needed to be here just an hour earlier and I really struggled with timings of everything even though logically it should have been fine.
I know my friends would prefer me to be a little late than not see them without an hour contingency window

Think of us in Nov when nursery starts 8.38-8.45!! I have to squeeze an oral feed into that s week before we leave and neither me not PFB are early worms

I appreciate we are all different and to be honest dislike the company of people whom spend their time bitching about others perceived failings.

By that I take it that people that are late don't find any behaviours annoying?

First reply!!

Yay

Aw crap

Of course not brown paper but that's where boundaries come in. I have a friend who is very needy. She's not a CF as she'd offer me the same support but I don't really need this support to make everyday decision on my life so it's a bit one way. I love her but sometimes I tell her enough is enough. If having told her this she's still more than I can manage I guess we'd go our separate ways. But I wouldn't suggest she has to undergo an entire personality transplant to find her place in this world.

But I wouldn't suggest she has to undergo an entire personality transplant to find her place in this world.

I don't want anyone to have a personality transplant. Honestly if your lateness, or anyone else's for that matter, doesn't impact me then I have no opinion on it. If you are not bothered by it or prefer being more laid back rather than fretting or worrying about being on time then no one else has any right to judge you.

But a PP up thread mentioned being able to check in on time at the airport and then getting side tracked on the shops and ended running to the plane on the last call - my flight being delayed or waiting while they off load that person's luggage does impact me and then yes, that's not on. If you are agreeing to do something time critical then you do have to change your behaviour.

Mutually acceptable behaviour between friends has nothing to do with anyone else. That's for you all to negotiate.

It's just in my experience if someone is habitually late then they don't tend to give you advance notice. It's like they ignore the fact that they are always late when they make the next appointment, as though this time it will all work out.

The triumph of hope over experience.

@whosafraidofabigduckfart

They let you back through customs and then back through again?

Yeah not an ideal start to the hol if you can't reach each other. In the other hand you could have given him all 3 kids and gone off for peace haha.

Got part served in subway today and realised I had NO purse, no card, no money. They were very polite but felt like a total (very hungry) idiot

Sleep- that was me in the library on Tues. Luckily the librarian knows us and took pity- she looked us up on the computer. Must dash. My mum's poorly and I have a train to catch!