Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Having kids has made me give less of a shit about being late. Myself or other people.

It is still possible to be on time with DC but there is more factors outside one's control. So maybe 50% of occasions, one can be fully on time. The other 50% will be early or late.

thanks Namechangemum100

Like I said my child is disabled. Just because others have 4 kids doesntt make it the same. Mornings can be a struggle.

@mattberryshair...I am definitely the latter, I always count backwards with contingency.

When a friend of mine was single and childless (unhappily) she went through a stage of being late for everything in order to show how busy she was despite this. It was an affectation, a bit like the "always busy" types. As soon as she started seriously going out with her DH-to-be, she stopped the nonsense. Do any of your mates have a point to prove?

@rednaxela...I don't think have kids (with no MH, sn etc) is an excuse... especially if who ever you are meeting also has children. It's a bit entitled to think that, because if your kids had a hospital appointment for example, I'm sure you would be on time for that,no?

So for dh it's because his work life is so timed to the minute that he just wants to go at his own pace at weekends, without all that frantic rushing around hunting for shoes or shouting at the kids to hurry up. I have now developed extensive strategies to ensure we are where we need to be (mostly involving lying).

I once had a boss who had a particular type of cognitive dissonance and who arrange 2 meetings 10 min apart in different buildings and never seemed to realise that it could never possibly work. Or maybe it was becsuse he was a total people pleaser who could necer say "no"?

My sister genuinely believes her time is more important than anybody elses (or at least mine).

Im always obsessively on time except for my Friday book group because its arranged gor 6.30 and I can't get there til 7pm. I dont count that because they all know.

@supersupersuper...hadn't really considered that tbh, I'm sure, definitely worth a thought though.

I am sometimes late because I stupidly don't account for travel delays, so I think it takes 20 mins to get to X and I leave with 25 mins to spare then get diverted or stuck behind something really slow so can be 5 to 10 mins late. Annoying and I should leave with 10 - 15 mins to spare but I always use those 10 mins to load the dishwasher or hang a wash out.

But I do not think I am disrespecting my friends, I am just a bit disorganised.

On the other hand if my friends are 20 mins late, I'm always perfectly happy, I always say I don't mind, at least you turned up. But then I have no anxiety or worries about waiting on my own anywhere.

I think some people just don’t care.

I have one friend, known her for years before DC came along, and she’s always been late. Late for absolutely everything - except for picking her DD up from school. She’s typically 10-15 mins early to school pick up barring unavoidable delays like unexpected road closures.

So I reckon if she’s capable of consistently turning up early to pick up her DD, then she’d be equally capable of turning up on time for other things if she really wanted to.
The only conclusion I can draw is that her habitual lateness is because she simply doesn’t care about the inconvenience it’s causing to other, less important, people.

There have been a few previous threads on this where late people have tried to explain their thinking. Eg that if they’ve got a meeting at 3pm, their thought process goes: “oh I’ll need to leave at 3pm.” Or something. They can’t factor in travel time and everyday things that might cause delays, like a baby pooing just as being put in car seat or a traffic jam.

All very carefully explained. They can’t help it, we need to be understanding. It’s out of their control because of the way their brain works.

But my view is they’re self aware enough to KNOW they do this. They can post eloquently about it. But still... they can’t change their brain knowing as they do that their brain sometimes gets it wrong and causes them to be annoyingly late.

Ok.

Im late all the time. Ive lost jobs, missed planes etc

I have got a bit better as ive gotten older but just because I never make firm plans with anyone... I just say 'oh I might join later' and never give specific times.

Luckily my childrens school is right next door to my house but I have still been late for that a few times and its a nightmare the amount of effort I have to put in to be on time. I have to set everything up at the start of the week so its incredibly simple.

Im not sure why im like this. Have been since childhood. I find it very difficult and stressful to think about getting somewhere on time....
Sort of like how some people react to fear of heights by wanting to throw themselves off... I react to time pressure by freezing.

I do have anxiety and I am on antidepressants... which help the anxiety but then create a new problem by making me very drowsy and slow!

I run late a lot, though not drastically. It's a combination of finding it difficult to predict how long things will take (even if I've done it before, I will forget some of the stages in the process), getting distracted, and a bit of anxiety re having to go back and check I locked the door, etc.

I do try to make up time on the journey, even if that means running non-stop for 20 minutes with a buggy, and really don't like leaving people waiting. It really isn't about thinking I am more important than other people. I find that quite hurtful. Some people just have better executive functioning than others.

Some of my friends are often late and I am sometimes. Think it's just being busy and perhaps not leaving time to get ready or get there. It doesn't bother me unless we're going to e.g. cinema or something. There are many great qualities my friends have - I don't rate punctuality that high, as long as they are reliable generally.

@puppymonkey...good point and I agree.

It's actually what annoys me the most, as people who are late in my life are typically always late by about the same amount 30 minutes or so. So if you are always 30 minutes late...get ready 30 minutes earlier, it's simple!

I think a lot of the time it's just because some people have a more relaxed attitude to what constitute lateness than others, and they don't get the big deal about it.

I'm someone who's often 5-10 mins late, it's not because I don't care or don't respect whoever I'm meeting, but just that unless we're doing something with a concrete time - catching a train, seeing a film etc - then in my head the meeting time is always an 'ish', and so 10 mins is not late and can easily be caused by unexpected traffic or whatever.

That said I do have a friend who's absolutely terrible and is one of those people who won't start getting ready for a night out until 15 mins before we were due to be there, and that annoys me. If a group of people are waiting and I would be holding them up, I'll always make extra effort to be ready.

I just discovered at 41 I have adhd. I spent my life running late, losing jobs and hating myself wondering why. I always gave my self plenty of time but got distracted by ‘really important things’ that I HAD to finish before I left or I couldn’t cope with the anxiety of coming home to an untidy house or an unfinished job. I also couldn’t bear to leave the house without looking perfect as I knew I was getting judged for being inadequate at everything else so I may as well not be judged for my looks.

So the diagnosis changed my life. I understood adhd to be far more than people generally understand it to be. The feeling inadequate, the racing brain that overthinks, over analyses and the difficulty in judging time and how long each task will take. I now have things in place that help me manage and I’m no longer late. But I’m still always in a rush!

Here's a post I made earlier on a similar thread. In addition to being late a lot, I'm also scatty, disorganised, and always tired. But here's my post:

YANBU as that must have been immensely frustrating.

However, I will say that I have huge problems organising and managing my time, and am often late without really knowing why.

If I had been just a little younger, I might have been diagnosed with ADHD during my school years, but I don't have that diagnosis and wouldn't want to use it as an excuse.

Despite huge efforts to change, multiple different organisation systems, alarms set for EVERYTHING, I'm still sometimes late/forgetful/messy and I HATE myself for it.

I also find it hard to tell the time and judge space and distance and stuff like that... have to use my fingers to count large numbers.... so I often wonder if I also have Dyscalculia? Have to look at marks on my hands to tell left from right too....

Dyscalculia may account for some peoples inability to understand how to get to places on time

Yes yes firstborn! The forgetfulness and constantly feeling tired!! It was a lightbulb moment when I learned this about adhd. Understanding it properly has helped me massively.

My mum is always late. It's because she wants others to do the awkward first 15 minutes themselves and allow her to arrive to a social event in full swing. We never wait for her before ordering, we just crack on.

All medical reasons aside, in my experience, they consider their time (them) more important than yours (you).

Don't be offended OP!

People (especially mothers) are often mega busy.
I'm often late.
I'm a working mum and have too much to do ALL THE TIME,
I would say I'm also one of life's optimists and think that I will just try to fit everything in and try to please everyone.

It's not that you don't mean enough to me - in fact it's not even about you at all.

I'm fitting you in because you're important to me & if you're my friend you will understand.

And telling me to meet you 1/2 hour before you're planning to get there is a good idea

@smiledwiththerisingsun...sorry but children just isn't an excuse, as previously mentioned is have 2 under 2...19month and 5 months...we are rarely late, it takes organisation, a little stress sometimes, but if we say we will be there for X time, then 9.5/10 we will be there.

I am prone to being either a few minutes late or certainly last minute.
It's because I'm so busy. I'd hate to come across as rude. There is always so much to do. And I hate being early because I get hugely anxious if I am sitting waiting doing nothing because I start stressing about all the things I need to/could be doing.

My DP is always late - to me it seems an inability or unwillingness to work backwards.

If I have to be somewhere, my thought process goes

"Ok, I need to be there at 9am".
"It's half an hour away but means I need to leave the house at 8.30".
"But there may be traffic, so I'll give myself an extra ten minutes".
"It takes me an hour from getting out of bed to leaving the house, so I need to wake up at 7.20.
"I'm not good at jumping out of bed, so I'll set the alarm for 7."

I think my DP sort of works forwards - "I usually get up at 7.30 … and well, it can all go from there".