Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

Misslingos my point is that type of organisation comes naturally to some people... It does not come naturally to me at all. I have to put in a lot of energy into something that other people would find easy or just a moments thought... I dont mean I think people just magically turn up on time out of thin air... just that it is easier for some people to understand and focus on what needs to be done when, in order for things to progress at a certain rate so that they hit a time target...

Like I said I think its a spectrum with some people having to put loads of effort and focus in and some barely any... and then everything in between

So I do think its harsh to judge people as you dont know how much more difficult it is for them than it is for you.

people are are always late probably do miss flights, appointments, turn up late for work - you probably just don’t know because all you see is them being late to meet you.

honestly it reeks of self-importance - how dare they be late for me

if one of my friends is late im old enough to occupy myself for half an hour.

people THAT are *

My DM is always late. Has been since we were children, I started walking myself to school in the end, getting myself ready, doing my own washing etc because otherwise we would be in school at around 11. We lived 10 min walk away.

She isn’t just 15 mins late either, if she says she will be there at 3pm, you can expect her between 6 and 7pm.

The problem is : she sees time differently. An hour for her is not the same as an hour for other people. She will wake up late and “need” a bath. That will over run but she “needs” a coffee. Will take her time with that and then stop off at her friends on the way because why not, she was passing, she’ll stop in conversation, oh is that a McDonald’s, let me just drive through! Oh I’m near that ladies house I was buying something from on eBay, I’ll just knock and see if she’s in! This route might be quicker, I’ll just ignore the sat nav and try it, oh fuck, I’ve driven 20 miles past the destination, oh look a McDonald’s, I’ll just drive through... and so on.

Everyone else knows you can’t do all that in an hour. My DM doesn’t. She consistently underestimates the time it takes to do anything.

Also, I have a friend who is always 30 mins late to meet me. She is late because she says I am always late, and yet everytime I’ve seen her for the last 10 years I have been sat there waiting for her.

People who are getting angry and saying we're just making excuses just don't get it. We want to be better (well, I know I do), and I know I make a huge effort on a daily basis to try to be better, and beat myself up if I don't meet my goals

Well that might be true for you and fair play to you, but why are you (and others) assuming its that way for everyone else who is consistently late? It's not and it doesn't make sense to assume it.

Most of us are talking about people who are late all the time except where it matters to them enough. There are lots of people like that.

And all of this "Oh I have to really think about it and plan how I'm going to do things and how long it takes, I have to remember to keep checking the time, it doesn't just come naturally to me.." well yeah, so do the rest of us! we all have to plan properly and make an actual effort, you seem to think people who are on time have some kind of clock in our brains and the ability to just appear on time anywhere. No, we actually put work into it.

I really enjoy the minutes between arriving somewhere and the time it all starts , finding them really relaxing. I'm almost always on time because I have got myself there early and just wait for the start.

DH hates the sitting around time so tends to allow only just enough time to get there and doesn't mind being late. He is often what I would call late and he would call 'it's fine, don't make a fuss'.

^ agree with that winter. Have spoken with DM many times about getting a diary and having a watch on, alarms set etc.

She doesn’t see that there are coping mechanisms and strategies that will help. I asked her - Does she think PA’s remember absolutely every single meeting they schedule in for their boss? Of course not, they write it down. But my DM actively resists sorting herself out because “it’s just the way I am”. I don’t even tell the kids she might come over now because chances are they’ll be in bed by the time she gets here.

The people I know who are ALWAYS late do not suffer with anxiety. They just seem to be rubbish at watching the time, get caught up in other things, think they're somehow hilarious because of this trait - " it's just how I am "

It's fucking annoying and totally rude.

greatduck how do you know?

OP, I hope you've seen from all of these messages that there are different sorts of people who are late for different reasons. And some people are sometimes late for one reason and sometimes for a different reason. I think it would help to observe your friend and try to figure out what's going on with her so you can decide how to proceed.

I am often late, maybe about half the time. In my case it's true that it may be because I value my time above that of the person I am meeting, or I think they won't mind. I have no hesitation leaving my dh to wait for me on the beach on a nice day, but I make sure I'm on time if he'd be standing in the rain.

I am never late for someone who is doing me a favour, but often late if I am doing them a favour. For instance, if I give somebody a lift I might well be ten minutes late because I don't want to have to wait for them if they aren't ready, but if THEY are giving ME a lift I'll be standing near the door with coat in hand five minutes before they are due to arrive.

If I am meeting a friend who's always late then I too am always late - seems only fair, and there's no way she could possibly mind!

I have a few friends who flap a fair bit when I am late, so I am nearly always on time for them and when I am going to be late I let them know. You might try this approach. If you make a big worried fuss, your friend might prioritise you: "Where WERE you? Are you all right? We did say 2pm, didn't we? I was starting to think I'd got the day wrong!! I was thinking maybe your car had broken down or something! I was just about to give up and go home." I do think she's a little odd for minding having to wait 15 minutes for me in a cafe, but I am prepared to humour her because it clearly DOES bother her. With this particular friend of yours, it might be too late for this approach as she already knows you will tolerate her lateness, but you might use it in future with new friends.

I'm chronically early - the thought of being late just stresses me out.

If we're talking 10-15 minutes I'm really not fussed if a friend or whatever is late. Life's tricky, if they stress about getting to work and stuff like that on time I'd rather they felt relaxed coming to meet me and don't begrudge them a few minutes at all. I think some people really just perceive time differently and getting to the stuff they have to is more effort than it is for me. I don't want meeting me to be one of those 'effort' things.

Life's too short. There's many things I won't tolerate in friends, bigotry and other nasty things. Being a bit crap at functionality is far down my list of things to get worked up over.

If we're talking an hour or so... yeah, I'd want an explanation beyond 'Oh you know me.'

Because I know them inside out. Have been friends with them forever.

DP faffs. If he doesn't have time to faff he panics that he has forgotten something. Even if I tell him I will be ready in 15, he forgets how long 15 mins is and then is late when I'm done.

I also get really stressed and worried when running late , he doesn't worry and thinks I need to chill because it's only 10 minutes.
I now lie about when anything starts/ we're leaving so he can fit in his faff time.

This is 100% me!!!
My therapist told me my anxiety of running late stems from my dad being so strict on leaving on time! 😂
I love my Dad but my god did he put the pressure on and now I do the same to my partner and children.
I just hope it doesn’t rub off onto my children negatively but I just love being ahead of time.
I tell my partner my appt or something is half an hour earlier than it actually is too! He is terrible with being late and his WHOLE family will be 1 hour + late for things. I honestly don’t understand it I’d rather sit at wherever I’m going and wait 5/10 minutes than be late with my children. I’ll panic and think I’m running late but most of the time I’m actually ON time 😂

I go to a hobby class where it is essential, for the organisation of the class, that everyone is on time. A new woman has just started, was late both first & second week, despite knowing disruption this would cause the rest of us. Third week late again, my arm very obviously shot out so I could check watch on the end of it......... she didn’t turn up this week, so here’s hoping.

She avoided paying the first week too, despite using class materials. The classes are in a run down community centre in a deprived part of town. She dashed back to her illegally parked, very expensive, vanity plated motor - the fee she’d avoided is £2!

These people are a type, they are simply more important than the rest of us.

I don’t think it’s because your friends don’t care. I have a few friends and my partners family which I mentioned, who are always late. Everyone’s different and some people are more relaxed than others when it comes to timing. I wouldn’t think into them not caring, it seems strange that you would. I just know I’m funny with being early/on time but not everyone gets that

Just have a little empathy because most of the time if you are dealing with someone who is constantly late for everything it WILL be an issue with processing things and not just disregard for everyones feelings. Its not just that they are rude... its that they are actually finding it harder than you are to be organised because of the way their brain works

Maybe in some cases, but in others it definitely is because they view your time as less important than theirs. My dmil, who has since passed away, used to tell me that she viewed her time in the same way as she viewed money. It was precious and she didn't want to waste it doing things she'd rather not. She was lovely but rarely gave her time to help us out. She was always late for kids birthday parties, dinners, babysitting etc, sometimes up to an hour late, but expected us to be prompt as she hated waiting around for people. She was always early for work and dinner parties with friends.....

I'm always early or at least bang on time so can't help. I'm fairly tolerant of things like traffic/public transport and kids etc to a degree but its the people who are just ALWAYS late and you know that none of these reasons was really a factor, because they are always late. It's disrespectful.

I dint understand how though @madeoficecream.

Surely you know that if you have to be somewhere at 10am, you should look up how long it will take to get there (say 30mins) . Estimate that it takes you an hour to get ready. This means you need to start getting ready at, at least 8.30am and leave at 9.30am at the latest. Add an extra 15mins contingency and you need to get ready at 8.15 and leave at 9.15...

And all of these people saying MH issues and special needs, yes that is a good reason. But there are many many people who don't have these issues and are always late.

I have both types in my life.

Both drive me crazy; I forgive my friend with autism, and don't see the other now unless she's with her husband.

Her record for lateness was almost three hours, for a 3.5 hour event. She then complained that we'd started without her and she's missed her bit.

My DH is a chronically early - which is almost as bad, particularly when things don't get done because he wastes half an hour a time being so early - i.e. the school run. It's a ten minute walk, they're out at 3. Leave the house at 2.45, get ready to leave at 2.30.

DH will leave the house at 2.20, and will be getting ready to leave at 1.45. Consequently, he loses almost an hour of housework time, and ends up having to do it in the evening instead.

@madeoficecream set alerts on your phone? Ie you have 30mins til you have to leave, 15 mins til you have to leave.
It might make you hurry up a bit

Hopeless optimism is my excuse

SAHD I have 3 kids (12 -8) . Never been late. Because I place a lot of importance into being on time so as not to inconvenience other people. Simple.