Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

So, if the PPs KNOW they have these problems that interfere with their ability to judge time, is it also impossible for your brains to think: “Woah, I’m due at a meeting at 3pm - I’ve got that thing I always do where I can’t judge time properly haven’t I? I know, I’ll start getting ready earlier. No, I won’t do that distracting thing here, I’ll walk past it and get ready.”

I’ve never been late for getting the kids to school, but there are two families in particular that I cross paths with after drop off every day, at the same point, at the same time. I was always confused at how they could be so consistent at being late!

I have run late for other things though, and that is normally down to underestimating how long I need to get stuff ready.

Eg that if they’ve got a meeting at 3pm, their thought process goes: “oh I’ll need to leave at 3pm.” Or something. They can’t factor in travel time and everyday things that might cause delays, like a baby pooing just as being put in car seat or a traffic jam.All very carefully explained. They can’t help it, we need to be understanding. It’s out of their control because of the way their brain works

It's just bollocks though, isn't it? They know well that they can't leave at 3 to be at a meeting at 3, and by explaining exactly how they don't factor in travel, delays etc it shows that they know precisely what they need to do and how to do it: they just choose not to.

I see others, including Matt Berry's hair has made my point for earlier.

I'm of the ridiculously early type. We are always the first to arrive at school and often sat in the carpark waiting for school to open.

Obviously the same for meeting anyone anywhere, I hate even being exactly on time because in my mind that means I was very close to being late. But, I understand that this is just me and my thing, and that none of my friends are like me. I've learned to live with it and I don't consider them rude or that they aren't bothered, just that they aren't early types.

There are some days I find myself running late the whole day. I have 3DC, all under 7, 2 with autism. I work FT and I'm in a relatively senior position so when stuff happens I have to stop what I'm doing and deal with it. DH travels a lot so I'm flying solo most of the time.

I absolutely hate being late. It makes me anxious when I am running late during the day. Sadly sometimes I have to cancel something during my day at what feels like the last minute just so the rest of my day doesn't fall further behind.

I have a high level of anxiety about social and work activities, and underestimate the amount of time it will take to make myself leave. For example, I have an appointment in 46 minutes time. The journey will take me 30 minutes. I need to go to the loo, clean my teeth and print something out before I go. So, I have 16 minutes left. What am I doing? Sitting on mumsnet. Putting off the moment where I start those preparations because I really don't want to go out, and don't want to think about it.

I definitely don't mean to be rude to anyone else. .

@mamahechtic...that made me smile about not liking to be on time as it's close to being late...Im the same that way 😂

@goatwithacoat how did you get your diagnosis? They seem v. reluctant to assess adults here. I've done research and it does fit me, but really it's for a professional to make the call!

I hate being late and so wherever possible will add in extra time in case there is traffic/DC need the loo/I can't find a parking space etc.

MIL, on the other hand, despite being physically and mentally fit and having no-one else to care and no job etc to work around is always late. Sometimes by over an hour. I initially thought that this was because she didn't care but after seeing her in action getting ready to go out I now realise that it's as some pp have said- her thought process is different. Whereas I would get things ready to go in advance and then about the amount of time my journey usually takes and add in a bit for delays, she will factor in the minimum amount of time the journey can take. She will then start the process of leaving at that time so end up leaving 15mins to 1 hour later (having got changed, found her keys, gone to the loo, made a quick phone call etc). She also does not prioritise things very well- so if she's about to leave the house and the post arrives she will read and file her post before she leaves, if a friend calls for a chat just as we're going through the door she will not say she'll call back, if a friend posts something on facebook she'll have to 'like' it immediately whatever she's doing etc.

I have some sympathy but it irritates me that when DH has (many times) pointed out that she needs to leave more time etc her attitude is that everyone knows what she's like so it's OK, they won#t mind.

puppymonkey because the problem is they cant judge when 'earlier' is. So they will still think its earlier when it is in fact time to leave.... Unless they sit staring at a clock the entire time.. but even then they would have to be able to judge how long different things like 'putting on shoes' for example, would take...they would have to divide the sections of time down in their head per task.... which they wouldnt be able to effectively do... so its all just a stab in the dark...

For me I have no real clue how long an hour is in terms of what things I could get done in an hour. It all seems like random nonesense. It just makes me very anxious. Its not actually something some people can learn.

Because they don’t think it’s important. With a few very obvious exceptions this thread is just a load of excuses. ‘I’m a busy mum’? FFS.

I'm usually on time, I didn't learn to drive until my mid 20s which gave me a very keen sense of time in order to make sure I caught buses/trains etc but occasionally I am late usually when the situation is not that important to me, or I get distracted. I'm always aware of it though and it's always a choice. If it was an interview or something important not only would I not be late, I'd be extra early.

I initially thought that this was because she didn't care but after seeing her in action getting ready to go out I now realise that it's as some pp have said- her thought process is different

You were right the first time, her thought process is different because she doesn't care. She doesn't care that you are waiting over an hour for her because she can't be bothered to actually think about it and make sure she is on time.
I bet she is when its something that matters to her though?

@thewinter...this is also my gripe with this excuse, because for very important things like airplanes, hospital appointment, sitting down for fav TV show even, I bet the majority of these people are on time.

and being able to grasp concepts of time easily and naturally without trying is a spectrum..... on one end its just random chaos and on the other people will literally have no idea how or why anyone could be late without a circumstance outside of their control making them late....

Everyones minds work differently. For some people it is very very difficult to judge time accurately.

Just have a little empathy because most of the time if you are dealing with someone who is constantly late for everything it WILL be an issue with processing things and not just disregard for everyones feelings. Its not just that they are rude... its that they are actually finding it harder than you are to be organised because of the way their brain works.

For me it’s down to anxiety. I can’t handle the idea of being early and the awkwardness this causes me so i time it to be there exactly at time. This does then leave me being late if things don’t go smoothly if I can’t find a parking spot or something. I also get horrendous anxiety when I’m late. Yet it’s not something I can fix as the early anxiety is worse.

I will even sometimes arrive early but sit in my car or walk around the block until dead on the time I am meant to be there.

probably not a popular opinion, but unless these people are regularly missing flights or being sacked for poor timekeeping then they can be on time when they choose, even if it's harder for them than others.

@puppymonkey I think forgetfulness factors in. I'll often be about to set off somewhere and suddenly realise I'd agreed to bring something, so need to go and look for it.
Even if I organise my clothes etc the night before, I will inevitably lose my keys and phone multiple times before leaving the house. Even if they were just in my hand. Before long, the 10 minute buffer zone I've built into my planning is gone.
I also frequently get lost, even when going somewhere I've been many times before. I try my best to remember directions and follow a satnav, but it is difficult. Getting lost makes me feel really out of control, which makes me panic, which means I sometimes need to pull over and give myself a pep talk/have a cry before heading on.

Does that make sense?

some people just can't organise themselves or plan ahead. For me, generally it's similar to people not doing things because they're 'too busy'.

Feel like saying 'OMG we're all busy!'

this is a bit of a stupid question. in life we have different skills and abilities, and time management is one of them.

i am always on time or early, i can visualise
in my head how long i have to do each task/activity involved in leaving the house.

my DP (with ADD) doesn’t, his brain doesn’t work like mine. he used to get up at 6.30am to be at college for 9:15am and STILL be late. he can’t visualise or compute how much time he has to do each task, while also keeping an eye on the time. his mind gets distracted and often ill watch him be like “SHIT” as he realises he has to be somewhere in 10 minutes.

not saying everyone who is late has ADD, but everyone is different. why do some people burn food no matter how many times they cook? why are some people clumsy when it comes to physical activity?

unless you know they are being late deliberately and don’t give a shit, then it isnt fair to judge imo.

I had a friend who was consistently late for everything. She had no responsibilities, no health issues, no financial issues. The final straw for me was when she was supposed to be in my wedding party and showed up after the ceremony was already over with a shrug "you know how I am".

Someone who is consistently late shows a lack of respect for other people. Even if you take into consideration health issues, people need to take responsibility for being where they need to be, at the time they are supposed to be there.

I was like this for a few years. For me it was depression. I really didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone, so I’d procrastinate and try to think of ways out of it and just put it off til the last possible moment in the hopes I’d magically be spared it. I was also slower than I thought I was. The depression made me move like a sloth, but that wasn’t something I thought to account for.

I didn’t just do it when other people were involved. Often I’d plan to go to the shops first thing, then just put it off and put it off and waste a whole day before racing there 15 minutes before closing.

Just have a little empathy because most of the time if you are dealing with someone who is constantly late for everything it WILL be an issue with processing things and not just disregard for everyones feelings. Its not just that they are rude... its that they are actually finding it harder than you are to be organised because of the way their brain works

No. Sometimes this may be the case, but more often than not it simply is disregard for other peoples feelings and a lack of effort. Your claim would be more believable if people like this were consistently late for things that really matter to them, and that just isn't true.

If you have issues with processing time, then you work on strategies to manage more effectively, you don't just say oh thats how my brain works, you should all have empathy for me as you're standing there waiting for me for an hour while I was having another cup of tea and thinking about coming along at some point.....

I’m generally around 10/15 minutes late and beat my self up around it. I’ve got alot better over the years and am now only late if I’m meetings friend and there is a motorway journey involved. Usually I’m bang on time. Depression/Social Anxiety cause me to not want to leave the house so it’s a huge effort and I struggle with being organised. Mornings are terrible and I usually leave without breakfast etc. I wake up with a horrible, sick, anxious feeling and a constant loop playing in my head saying “I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I just want to stay in bed where it’s safe. I hate myself”. No one would guess I struggle with mental health problems. They probably just assume that I’m self obsessed and flakey.