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Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 15/09/2018 08:17

I don't think they're being unreasonable.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 15/09/2018 08:32

Meteor, those are all optional activities though, just as this Christmas invitation is. I know in reality there are obligations and friendships but none of those is compulsory. I'm the generation above you but we did also have weddings to attend, and calls on our money. Some of us were supporting others in our 20s (in my case a pensioner parent).

Only the OP knows what she means when she says six figure, and can gauge her parents financial comfort. It's entirely possible that six figure is at the very low point of that, e.g. around 50k each, and they are trying at this point to pay off their mortgage before they retire and build up pensions - a teacher relative of mine put half her salary into her pension as she approached retirement as it was so small. Most of us have financial pressures and some of them are quite critical.

Confused1969 · 15/09/2018 08:37

Do it, but next year, you do the hosting and suggest they rent nearby. I have parents like this - it's not about the money, I get it, it's about being ordered to spend Christmas with them, and then told to pay for the privilege! A bit like feeling obliged to attend a wedding that you don't particularly want to go to and then having to buy a present from a wedding list where each item runs into the hundreds!

NonaGrey · 15/09/2018 09:06

I do think that ‘our generation’ (Im 25 btw not sure about you/ sister) have more financial obligation put on them than ever before.

I’m not talking about houses and cars and bills...etc (though I probably should be.) I’m talking about attending weddings, family events, group holidays...and similar.

Erm, why on earth do you think any of those things are new to your generation Meteor?

Gwenhwyfar · 15/09/2018 09:29

"attending weddings, family events, group holidays...and similar.

Erm, why on earth do you think any of those things are new to your generation Meteor?"

It's quite a recent things for so many weddings to be abroad, for stag and hen parties to be weekends away rather than a night out in your local town.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 15/09/2018 09:33

Not such a new thing that people in their 30s and 40s didn't do it.

Holidayshopping · 15/09/2018 09:33

I would pay for a hotel just for my little family then I could go and visit parents when we wanted and wouldn’t have to poke up with staying with the whinging sister!

Osirus · 15/09/2018 09:34

Could your sister not stay with you and travel with you to your mum’s? Then have a night or two in a B n B?

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 09:35

Your all working adults. Paying for an apartment is least u all can pay out. Feed g everyone for xmas costs lots - she would prob be shocked at the cost

Morethanthisprovincallife · 15/09/2018 09:37

It's an interesting thread.

If both grown up dc are well off, should they still pay for accommodation? When their dp could?

To me it just shows the general relationship is crap.
As I said earlier in my family, it would be a case of who was more flush... Chip in for each other to be with each other sort of pooled shared resources.

With pils, dh has virtually no relationship with them and yet they wanted him to pay about a grand to spend Xmas with them 🤔.

When they could afford to just pay. It's the relationship isn't it

You can't assume you can summon family to you and to pay. Beware... Are you you close can you all talk to each other?
If ops family were mine I would just be able to say money is a bit tight at the moment!!

If the relationship isn't there to just be honest... Be careful

Astrid2 · 15/09/2018 09:46

You have been invited somewhere to spend Christmas. Whether this is your parents or not is irrelevant. You need to pay for your accommodation if unable to stay with them.

You wouldn't go to a wedding and expect the bride and groom to pay for your accommodation.

You wouldn't go to your Aunties 70th birthday party in your home town and expect her to pay for your accommodation.

They will likely provide your food and drink, host your whole day and entertain you and quite a few others by the sounds of it. Surely you aren't to entitled to think they should pay for your overnight stay as well. I wouldn't even consider it. Especially if you're all financially independent and living away from home already.

MeteorGarden · 15/09/2018 09:48

@nona

It’s definitely changed and I think the currently 25-35 generation have had it very different to those older.

As @Gwen says, getting married abroad has become massively more popular and stag/ hen do are typically weekends/ full weeks abroad now where they used to be a night out in a local city. £500 each (plus spending) vs £100 max.

A woman I work with (in her 50’s) commented about how different it is now when I told her how expensive the wedding we’re attending would be. She made a good point that nowadays we graduate uni and everyone disperses, nationally and internationally. Whereas 30 years ago going to university was less common and people generally stayed around their local area. Which meant weddings rarely involved long costly travels or accommodation!

As for it being ‘optional’ it is and it isn’t really. If you simply don’t have the money than that’s pretty straight forward. For DP and I we can afford it and our friends/ family know we have a just under 6 figure income so there is definitely an ‘expectation’ and it would be taken personally if we said no.
But we’re also careful will money and want to save and whilst we want to attend weddings, family occasions, holidays...etc, we blow through income so fast!

Gwenhwyfar · 15/09/2018 09:51

"Not such a new thing that people in their 30s and 40s didn't do it."

I wouldn't consider someone in their 30s to be a generation above someone in their 20s - a generation is normally considered to be 25 years.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 15/09/2018 09:52

Astrid interesting that you have chosen every scenario except actual parents.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 15/09/2018 09:56

I wouldn't consider someone in their 30s to be a generation above someone in their 20s - a generation is normally considered to be 25 years.

But different in terms of this thread as people in their 30s and 40s are commenting on the expectations of someone in their twenties. The millennial generation is considered to be people up to their early 30s - it's been a societal shift rather than the traditional biblical generation measurement. And even by your definition, someone in their 40s is more or less a generation. Many people in their 40s have children who are in their 20s.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 15/09/2018 10:03

Q

lljkk · 15/09/2018 10:06

Gosh, I'm 51 & my dad still pays for our accommodation if we travel together (he strongly insists), or if I need to stay in a vacay rental in order to visit his home area (he lives in a 2 bed but very expensive property). I'm his only but I bring a pack of kids with me that may not all fit. My dad likes being generous. He also pays stuff for his siblings with less income & used to pay things for his elderly mother.

If larger family I would think splitting costs could be fair (given OP's parents are wealthy).

Astrid2 · 15/09/2018 10:34

@Morethanthisprovincallife the whole thread is the scenario of parents....

But I wouldn't go to my parents wedding anniversary party and expect them to pay for my accommodation if there was no space at home...

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 15/09/2018 10:40

Sounds similar to this coming weekend and my parents are having a party, but they've downsized now, so it's either camp (5acres) or Airbnb it. I don't camp! There is no way that I would expect them to pay though. I've rented a place that sleeps 4 for us for 2 nights and bringing some food as well for the party. Everyone else (80 or so) is doing the same.
So despite being invited would you expect parents to pay for everyone's accommodation?

Beaverhausen · 15/09/2018 10:43

I am sorry since when have children become so entitled, your parents have paid for you for most of your life. They ask you to pay for your accommodation for a few lousy days so that they can also have old friends participate in what is supposed to a joyous occassion.

And all you are worried about is the audacity of your parents expecting you to pay for accommodation for one christmas. GTFOY!

You should be grateful you still have parents who want to spend time with you you ungrateful assholes! My parents are no longer with me but thank god I have the most wonderful in laws who I would pay above and beyond to spend time with and we do even when we do not have the funds because they do so much in return for us.

LittleBearPad · 15/09/2018 14:46

I think your sister (and you) need to wake up a little. You are adults, if you don’t want to go don’t go but paying for accommodation isn’t unreasonable. Alternatively - your parents can pay for your accommodation and you and your siblings can pay for all the food and wine for everyone. I imagine you’d be surprised at which is more expensive.

greeneyedlulu · 15/09/2018 17:24

Cheap price for family memories that last a life time, go, pay and be merry!

myusernameisnotmyusername · 15/09/2018 17:38

Last year my parents and brothers came to see us at xmas. I drove to pick them up and they stayed in a B and B which they paid for. We paid for the food and drink.

LittlePearl · 15/09/2018 17:47

We would pay for our children in this situation. Yes they are all adults, yes that are all working, yes we've supported them financially in many ways for many years. But I would still want to pay.....and they would probably ague with us and offer their share.

I find it very sad when parents who are very comfortably off don't want to share that with their children, and equally when children automatically expect their parents to pay for every bill. In our family there is usually a fight to pay and I wouldn't want it any other way.

niccyb · 15/09/2018 17:53

They may want to enjoy some family time wih all of you as you all live separate lives but may not be able to afford to pay for everything. If you can afford to pay, I would do so. It’s one night. You only have one set of parents