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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:

givemesteel · 15/09/2018 21:35

Well it's up to you.

Would I want to go to my parents house for the day then drag my tired, over excited kids back to a rented holiday flat and then spend Christmas night there? No not really.

I would feel a little bit ousted from the family home if I'm honest, but obviously it's unreasonable to feel that way.

I don't think it's really about who pays for the flat (although it depends if you're struggling financially and your parents aren't), more whether or not you want to do it.

For me, I wouldn't, Christmas is a whole day and eve thing and if that was the choice I'd probably use the opportunity to have a nice relaxed Xmas with just my dh and dc.

Ethylred · 15/09/2018 22:36

Your family has found a fabulous way of having Christmas together.
Rent the flat, have a wonderful party there and (this is really important) invite the wrinklies. That way they can see that their children have grown up to be independent adults who know how to have fun.
Oh, and invite some unsuitable friends as well. You know, the kind who will get pissed and discuss their most recent gangbang.

Icanttakemuchmore · 15/09/2018 22:48

Get sleeping bags and sleep in the living room or dining room or on a bedroom floor. Or go to a travel lodge

BarryManilowRocks · 15/09/2018 23:04

If Xmas is about family, then staying in a rented flat isn't really what most people would want to do. I don't think the issue here is the money, I think it is that your sister is traveling home but finding herself on the outside of the family she came to see. Close enough family to be expected to fly home, but not close enough to be given a bed. I see why she is upset.

nearlythesummer · 15/09/2018 23:19

We pay to stay in a hotel when we visit my dh’s mother as she has no room for us because of hoarding issues. We would never think to ask for money for staying!

Thehappygardener · 16/09/2018 00:37

We pay to stay in a hotel when we go to our daughter and SiL for Christmas because his relations have taken all the spare beds and every possible sleeping space. We also contribute to the overall cost of Christmas, very willingly. It’s actually very nice to stay in a hotel in some ways, because you can escape for a while. If everyone comes to us, we have been lucky enough to have borrowed a spare house. 😊

ittakes2 · 16/09/2018 04:37

You are expressing it as being summoned...do you want to go or don't you? You are an adult - go if you want to, don't go if you don't. To be honest, I think you are both coming across as entitled. Your parents have been spoiling you all these years. I have 5 children in my family. Three of who live near my parents, one sister lives in the same country as my parents but a different part of the country. and I live in a different country to everyone. The sister who lives in a different part of the country is far enough away that its only feasible for her to fly with her children to see my parents. Her children are younger than mine, so it makes sense when we are both visiting our parents, that she stay with them and I stay in a hotel with my husband and children. I chose to live away from my family and I pay for my accommodation when I visit. It never crossed my mine to do it any other way and I can't believe your sister is expecting your parents to pay after all these years of them providing food and drink for Christmas. I am also not a big drinker - but food at Christmas is expensive and I bet the whole event is costing your parents a lot.

SoupDragon · 16/09/2018 07:38

I think it is that your sister is traveling home but finding herself on the outside of the family she came to see

On the outside, alone. With all her siblings.

RedSkyLastNight · 16/09/2018 12:37

The use of the word summoned suggests at expectation that the parents expect everyone to do things their way. Lots of posters have said that op should be grateful that her parents are hosting. Personally I'd rather host Christmas than have to travel and stay away from home. If I not only had to do something I didn't want to, but pay for the privilege and be grateful .... Well frankly I wouldn't. A key point missing here is whether op's parents have ever considered that someone else might like to host or whether they expect everyone just to fall in line.

GabsAlot · 16/09/2018 15:17

just stay at a cheaper place they cant accomodate everyone-my dsis is like this she expect my df to pay fro absokutely anything because he used to when we were kids

its so embarrasing how grabby she is and yet i tell her she stilljusttifies it-to herself anyway

Canuckduck · 16/09/2018 16:41

We are hosting Christmas dinner this year as we have previous. We always host several other large family parties throughout the year because we have the space. Everyone in my family contributes but it is still a ton of work and expense and then clean up the next day. It takes days of preparation!!! Be grateful that your parents are happy to take on this job. It takes a lot of pressure from you. Get the flat, pay for it, stop complaining.

user1499173618 · 16/09/2018 16:45

I would say no: don’t let your parents set a dangerous precedent of summoning you to events and expecting you to pay your way.

Aridane · 16/09/2018 17:02

‘summoning’ - really?

SoupDragon · 16/09/2018 17:03

dangerous precedent

😂😂

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 17:07

Have not read the full thread, but fuck me, grown adults acting like kids and wanting their parents to pay for them in this context.

I really hope I brought my daughter up better. Even if I offered it, she'd be all, good god no, ill pay, we are grateful just for the invite and you hosting and want to spend time with you.

This family? It's a summons. They want to stay in the house and they want to be paid for.

Unbelievable. As grabby and spoiled as it gets.

Jux · 16/09/2018 17:20

You are all meant to be GROWN UPS. Don't be ridiculous.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 16/09/2018 17:25

Parents pay for all food and drink sister thinks its a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids.....

No... It isnt... Your all adults...

Pay for accommodation and go...

Dont pay for accommodation, stay home and pay for your own Chtistmas.
It will cost you more in food and drink that it does in sharing the rent for a flat for a couple of days

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/09/2018 17:34

For those questioning the word summons.

When my siblings and I got any invites from my parents it was most definitely a summons.

It would be prettied up in a way that made it look like it was a fantastic opportunity and that they were putting themselves out for all of us, but woe betide anyone that didn't conform to the expectations.

Everyoneiswinginit · 16/09/2018 20:03

its a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids.....

So are your parents' parents paying for them? No, because there comes a time when you grow up and take responsibility.

Jux · 21/09/2018 17:19

It seems that if you want a family Christmas with you sister there, then you and your other sibling will have to pay for the flat between you so your sister doesn't have to pay for that. Would you do that?

crumpet · 21/09/2018 17:21

Of course you pay. You are grown ups. A Travelodge or similar isn’t expensive and you wouldn’t spend much time there anyway.

Jux · 21/09/2018 17:27

btw, I don't think the extra info about your sister living abroad is particularly outing, but it is a drip-feed. It doesn't change things massively though.

Is your sister's standard of living much the same as yours? If so, then perhaps paying for return flights home is as far as she can stretch at Christmas time, and you and sibling paying for the flat means you're all hurting financially on a par. If you want her there enough to do it.

Your parents do have a point that when she chose to live abroad she would have known that flying home for Xmas was a part of the costs involved. OTOH, they must have known that inviting their other relatives to stay in the family home necessitating their children to pay extra to visit at Chrismas might negatively impact them beyond their capability of paying.

Is there a reason these other relatives have been invited this year? Are they very elderly and unlikely to last until next year? Are your parent particularly fond of them? Maybe these elderly relatives have fallen on hard times and need a little spoiling at Xmas?

Fireworks91 · 21/09/2018 18:02

But the key is what the parents' expectations are. If they are going to sulk if the OP says they don't fancy staying in a rented place/spending that money/want to do their own thing then they are being totally unreasonable. You don't get to decide how others spend their cash and get the kudos for hosting.

In many families the dynamic would be that refusing an invite is not the done thing, which may be the case here.

MissMarplesKnitting · 21/09/2018 18:06

If we stay with my parents I do a huge internet shop to be delivered there, usually about £200 of food and booze. There's no way I'd expect my parents to feed us all over the festive period out of their pocket.

If they're feeding you, pay for the flat. You're all adults. Behave like them.

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