Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

[Xmastimealready]

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

You're all adults now with an income.

If you were students, then I would have some sympathy for your sisters point of view.

However, the expectation seems to be that it's incumbent on your parents to "fund" Christmas in perpetuity.

I'm in the opposite situation in that I host Christmas every year for all the family.

If you've never done it, it's probably easy to underestimate just how much it costs. We have at least 10guests (sometimes 12) and factoring in food over Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day, plus all the "trimmings" (crackers, decorations, presents, booze etc) I easily spend in the region of £2k.

Then add in all the effort, prepping/cleaning the house and the guest bedrooms, all the shopping, food prep etc

We are lucky the house is big enough to accommodate everyone, but tbh I'd be a bit miffed if adults with an income expected me to fund alternative accommodation on top of all that.

As it is family are great and without fail, come laden with bottles of Champagne/wine (and without ever asking) I get cornered discretely at some point over the holiday and a large wad of cash pressed into my hand as a contribution to the cost of hosting Christmas. Whilst I would never ask for it, it's very much appreciated.

I guess what I'm saying OP is to think about it from your parents perspective.

You're not children any more and given the amount your parents are already contributing to hosting Christmas in the first place, paying for some accommodation doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

It also might be good fun, assuming you get on with your siblings - when elderly relatives are ready for bed you can all go back to your flat and have a few more knowing you won't disturb anyone.

hmm tricky I can see both sides. Hosting Christmas is v expensive though with all the food etc. Also it's hard work. At least if you are in a separate accommodation you can slope off when you want to.

Apart from the rather delicious prospect of somewhere stress-free to hang out over Christmas with family you actually like, it's not a great offer.

Parents can't have it both ways - financially independent adults get to make their own financial decisions. I would go for it, but only stay for as long as suited me and not lose precious days off work washing up at their house.

I think I'd let your sister do what she likes.

But if you want to go, then a couple of nights in an AirBNB or whatever flat sounds like a good deal if your parents are covering all the food, etc. Should be fun if you enjoy hanging out with siblings?

Alternatively, if you honestly don't think you'd enjoy it, then decide between declining now (will upset your parents unless you can find a cracking excuse; not wanting to pay for accommodation is going to come across as mean & childish when parents are otherwise hosting you - don't use that!) OR sucking it up this year & firmly making other plans next time.

FWIW I was once in a situation where xh & I, plus 3 small dc, had been invited to a family member for the day but definitely No Room At the Inn...every sofa in a small house was full. Travelodge, £24 a night for a family room. Slightly grim but we were only there to crash.

So if the flat is too much for your sister, you could suggest you look for a cheaper option. But I really wouldn't tap your hosting parents.

Your parents are being very sensible. The older relatives need their accymore than you.

Hosting Christmas is a financial nightmare. It’s not just one meal if you are hosting over a few days. It’s meals, drinks, laundry, presents and a million other issues that make lesser mortals quake. Perhaps they feel the younger generation can fend for themselves yet join the main party?

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids.

Your sister needs to grow up.

I think you, even more so your sister should grow up.

Your parents have invited you for Xmas but don't have room for you to stay so you either go and sort out your own travel and accommodation or don't go. I would never in a million years have considered it my parents responsibility to pay my expenses after I'd left home.

It really a Summons though is it? It’s an invitation and one you can decline if you don’t want to spend Christmas with them. If you do, you need to accept their house isn’t big enough to accommodate you all comfortably and alternative plans made. Their income is neither here nor there. You’re adults with your own incomes.

I would have no problem paying to share a flat with my siblings but I have one DS who would definitely try and get out of putting her hand in her wallet....but she has always been like this.
She likes to free load even though she and her DH are very comfortable financially.
Your parents ANBU and I agree that adult children should stand on their own two feet(I need to send a memo to DD about this

You are all on the cusp of being independent adults but not quite there yet. Do any of you have partners? That’s usually the point at which going home for Christmas is a negotiation rather than an assumption.

Your parents are half treating you like independent adults (wanting you to pay for yourselves) but half treating you like children (expecting you to comply with what they’ve decided).

My advice is to ignore both them and your sister and make your own decision about whether you want to spend Christmas with your parents or not, and if you do, make accommodation arrangements of your choice.

I would have zero problem paying for the flat.
I would think it was really nice of my parents to host and pay for all the food etc.
I wouldn't expect for a second them to pay for my accommodation.

I'm with your sister, not because of having to pay but the fact other relatives are invited and get to stay in the family home.
it's nice to be in the family home over xmas, but a rented flat with maybe few creature comforts at christmas.
My kids would stay over but one would buy the booze and the other some luxury stuff, and some tat

Your poor parents - they thought you would have the grace to make way for elderly relatives. Instead they get adult tantrums and demands for handouts. I would feel like a failure if my kids were so selfish and grabby. If your sister doesn't like the arrangements, why doesn't she invite everyone to hers for Christmas next year - see how much money she 'saves'?

You don't have to rent a flat, surely a cheap b&b would do as long as it's warm and clean with a decent shower. You'll be at your parents for the bulk of the time. Renting a holiday flat over Christmas will be really expensive.

I bet your parents give you some cash for Christmas.

If you are obligated to go then it’s a bit off but if it’s an invitation to day time festivities you want to accept then you need travel back and forth or find your own accommodation and as adults that’s your own cost.

As adults of course society knows you are not obliged to go but in my family it certainly felt like there was no option. I was expected. I would have loved an opportunity to stay nearby rather than I the house!

One thing for sure- I wouldn’t agree to stay in the same place as the grabby sister. Sure as eggs, she’ll ruin Christmas with her whining and passive-aggressive commentary.

Frankly, I’d be paying for nearby accomodation with the last pennies I had, rather than stay over in a crowded family home. Too much potential for drama with my family!

I'd want my kids with me for Xmas and if they couldn't stay with me I'd pay for the flat for them.
No idea if they'd expect it but that's what I'd do for my kids.

So don't know if YABU but your parents ABU

I don't understand about the flat. Is it a holiday apartment in a beach resort or something? You don't usually rent a flat by the week. Or is it owned by somebody involved?

It's more usual to stay in a nearby hotel, I think, in a price range that suits the guest.

I could see the idea of staying in a flat near to the DP over Christmas as a great idea. Parents and other older relatives could have quiet evenings while you and DH and DSis along with DCs can be in the flat doing whatever you want, You could play with DCs new toys, take it in turns to go out for an evening, you and DH and another night you and DSis. I am not sure if DSis has partner and kids. If she has DCs it would be fun for DCs to be altogether. You could meet up with old friends from school.
I quite like the idea of a flat to stay in while being at DParents for Christmas. This could be the start of a good idea!

How many siblings are there? Just you and your sister? It could be fun, go to a hotel, get a family room and get pissed in your pyjamas.

I don't understand about the flat. Is it a holiday apartment in a beach resort or something? You don't usually rent a flat by the week. Or is it owned by somebody involved?

Airbnb is how you rent a flat by the week.

You could suggest to your sister she host instead, and let her work out the cost of hosting and paying for a flat for people to stay in.

Very entitled behaviour from your sister tbh.

You are all independent adults who can afford to pay for a rental between you? Then yes, under the circumstances you pay or you don't go.

I do think your sister is entitled.

Why on earth should your parents be paying for you to stay in accommodation? What am I miss No here?

Hmmm. Sorry OP but I think your sister is being unreasonable. Your parents are not being unreasonable. You guys are adults not teenagers. As adults, you should expect to at least partially pay your way rather than expect to be fully funded.

Frankly whether they are on a 6 figure income or not is irrelevant. They've supported/carried you guys financially for most, if not all of your lives. At some point in time all kids need to put on their big girl/boy undies and stop taking their parents for granted and stand on their own two feet.

Not only that, you guys are unlikely to be wanting to do what the "olds" do all the time anyway. Personally I love my folks to bits BUT having a bit of a bolt hole/breathing space over Christmas would be a necessity otherwise we'd drive each other mad! If you pay for yourself you get to choose where you stay and are answerable to no-one but yourselves.