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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 14/09/2018 08:24

Left I think there is some obligation to host older, infirm family members to ensure they have a great Xmas.

And that is entirely your lookout. But it's one that a person voluntarily takes on.

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 08:26

My mother can't put people up at Xmas as she has taken the beds out of the 2 little spare bedrooms and put in desks so that she and her husband (both retired) can sit in separate rooms all day on their computers. If I visit (from abroad) I stay at a Premier Inn a mile away. I find that mildly annoying, but on the other hand it's quite nice to be able to escape my mother sometimes!

In this case, however, the parents are actually having people to stay in their home. Older relatives, presumably OP's own aunties/uncles/grandparents? People who are on a pension, can't move around as easily as the youngsters? Unless they are very distant relatives and actually not that old I'm a bit surprised at OP's sister for not putting their elderly relatives first.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/09/2018 08:26

You don't sound very adult

greendale17 · 14/09/2018 08:31

I think it all sounds a bit shit tbh. Your mum wants you there for Xmas, but you are not actually there, so what is the point? I would pay to get somewhere you could all stay in, but would not want to pay for a flat just to visit home.

^This. To those saying stay in a cheap B&B etc- no thanks. Who wants to stay in a cheap, crap place over Christmas?

MinaPaws · 14/09/2018 08:34

Look at it from your parents point of view. They need to look after elderly relatives (believe me, that is an incredibly stressful and time consuming job. Just wait and see...) They can't have an overcrowded house.
If they are paying for the bulk of the food and drink, and doing the donkey work catering and also looking after the oldies, they're doing more than their share.

Where's your sister's sense of generosity at Christmas? Why not look for ways you can contribute and spread the load.

If you genuinely can't afford it, tell them. You're adults. You can make yoru own arrangements. They may be relieved to have a smaller crwd to care for. But if you've never bought the turkey, the wine, crackers etc - you may be shocked at how much they spend on getting the family together each year when you have to foot the bill.

Pompadourpink · 14/09/2018 08:46

Ageism on mumsnet is shocking. The OP mentions 'older family relatives'. It's pretty offensive for posters, and several have, to suggest that entertaining them is 'hard work' and 'very stressful'. For many it's a privilege to have older family members with them at Xmas.

Honflyr · 14/09/2018 08:49

I wouldn't be able to afford it so I wouldn't go. Thankfully my parents wouldn't put me in that situation though.

montenuit · 14/09/2018 08:52

Have you been invited for Christmas or "summoned" for Christmas.

Quite a difference imo.

What do you WANT to do for Christmas? If you want to come home and have a family Christmas then sort out your own accommodation.

I can see this makes it expensive for your sister - if it's important for you all to be together at Christmas then maybe you and your siblings could cover the accommodation for your sister considering she has flights to pay for too.

Have you ever hosted Christmas? It is exhausting and costs an absolute fortune! If you've never done it you have truly no idea. Do you and your siblings contribute to the Christmas food/wine etc?

CrumbsInBed · 14/09/2018 08:53

If your sister can’t make it, could you pop up to your parents on Xmas Day, just for a couple of hours so they can see the grandchildren, and you can spend a little time catching up with the elderly relatives, then go home and have Xmas Day at yours?

halcyondays · 14/09/2018 08:55

Some people find hosting Xmas very stressful and hard work, with or without elderly relatives, because they have significant health problems themselves. Nothing ageist about it, any more than finding looking after toddlers hard is "childist"

and yes, people will often feel obliged to host elderly relatives how would not have other family to go to at Xmas.

Ime many families do help adult children out financially on occasion, but wouldn't pay for accommodation in this way. By their 20s and 30s many adult children are hosting Xmas for their parents, not the other way round.

Sister could just say no and stay at home and do her own Xmas.

FinallyHere · 14/09/2018 08:55
  • My kids come first and stay with me in the family home.

Other guests stay in a hotel.*

While the children are indeed young and vulnerable, even when first making their way in the world, I'd agree with this. Now that we 'children' are in comfortable middle age and in good health, of course the older, more infirm take priority as guests in the family home.

As for OP, Im wondering what contribution they are making to the family's arrangements, are they taking wine, asking what they can contribute? Or are they passively continuing to consume the 'Christmas' provided by their parents and expecting lodging as well as full board?

Seeline · 14/09/2018 08:56

Sister stays with you, you both drive over to your parents for the big day, and enjoy yourselves at home for the rest of the holiday.

ErnestTheBavarian · 14/09/2018 08:56

You don't mention the number of siblings, unless I missed it.

But you, sister, and 1 or more others?

Does sister think she's the exception, living abroad? So your parents should pay for her flights and accommodation. Should they pay for yours too, even though you live within driving distance? and your siblings? Should they maybe pay you petrol money, otherwise it wouldn't be fair to pay one adult child's travel, but not the others? It's really a bonkers mindset.

And from your parents pot, maybe they feel, as everyone seems to be watching and judging how they spend their money, maybe if they pay for her, there's an imbalance. do they offer you a cash alternative to make sure they've given each child the same. What if one adult child has more dc - does each family get the same total money? so an only child gets a $50 present, but twins get $25 each? Maybe your sister also thinks your parents would have to pay for excess luggage to compensate her for the inconvenience of hauling all the presents back?

What I mean is, all of you have different needs, costs, travel factors etc. Your parents cannot possible address all of these different situations without being 'unfair' to one. Why should one sibling get in effect $$$ from your parents, flights, accommodation, and the others not? no, each needs to look after themselves.

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 08:56

Pompadour The hard work aspect is because they are obviously infirm, if they have to stay in the person's home rather than a hotel. It's hard work to entertain anyway at Xmas, especially as you get older. And as someone whose father had dementia and whose mother used a wheelchair, I can confirm that it does make Xmas very stressful and hard work.

SoupDragon · 14/09/2018 09:00

20s and 30s and all have jobs

Seriously, you should all be independent by now and not requiring mummy and daddy to pay for things for you.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 14/09/2018 09:03

Not necessarily infirm and in need of hands on care. Maybe they rarely have company and it's nice for them to stay with OP's parents. Maybe they struggle with stairs but are otherwise fine. Maybe they have less money for accommodation on pensions than younger people with jobs. We have no idea.

I certainly would prioritise elderly relatives over adult children in employment I think. And of course many of us have relatives we don't enormously enjoy spending time with. Blood and marriage are no guarantees of friendship. Sometimes most of us just have to cope with that, even to the extent of inviting them into our homes.

Fireworks91 · 14/09/2018 09:03

They can't dictate how you spend your money. If you want to go, and can afford it then do so. If you can't afford it, or don't want to then you are under no obligation and none should be put on you.

I know my parents would contribute in this scenario.

Eliza9917 · 14/09/2018 09:09

Put a tent up in the garden if you're all so bloody tight.

ExCharlieBucket · 14/09/2018 09:15

OP, have you ANY idea how expensive it is to host christmas?!
One day you will...and you'll be cringing at your stinginess here!

Pompadourpink · 14/09/2018 09:15

Nowhere does it say the older relatives are infirm! It doesn't even say they're elderly. For whatever reason the OP's parents want to host them and that's their choice.

ErickBroch · 14/09/2018 09:19

The amount of money people who host spend on Christmas... I am 25 and have been giving my nan £20 every Christmas for 4 years because I know how much it costs her and she has just a state pension! Honestly, I think your post was quite shocking, especially your sister. So ungrateful.

YippeeKiYayMotherNature · 14/09/2018 09:23

Could you and your siblings split the cost of the accommodation so your sister doesn’t have to pay? That way you’re all spending a bit but your sister isn’t so much out of pocket.
I can see both sides but I think it’s a shame your parents aren’t making it easier for your sister, the ‘local’ siblings should either drive or stump up accommodation costs no questions.
If you did rent somewhere at least it’s your place, you could have one day there for just you siblings to have a catch up amoungst yourselves which would be great.

HairyLegs11 · 14/09/2018 09:23

Y and your siblings ABU. Your DPs are paying for all the food & booze. You should contribute towards the cost. Separate accommodation is for your own comfort.

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 09:25

Pompadour Yes, you're right, we don't know. I just read it that way, as the oldest children are in their 30s, and OP says Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons as being because their needs couldn't easily be accommodated at a hotel, especially as it says "understandably". Smile

TheOrigFV45 · 14/09/2018 09:28

"Summon"? Surely it's an invitation.

It never would have occurred to me for my parents to pay for accommodation when we visited as adults with children of our own.
Sometimes we'd get a room in the family home, other times not (I am one of 5 children). We just sorted it out the best we could ie siblings with very small babies usually got first dibs on staying with Mum and Dad.