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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/09/2018 13:26

we aren't anywhere near as well off as it sounds like OPs parents are

There is no indication of how well off they are. Certainly not in terms of disposable income.

Chewbecca · 14/09/2018 13:26

I did rtft.

Makes no difference where the DC are coming from. I'd still be miffed to be asked to pay accommodation as well as hosting (& fully funding) Christmas.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 18:35

"Makes no difference where the DC are coming from."

Of course it does as they may have huge travel costs.

Chewbecca · 14/09/2018 18:39

FGS, I get it makes a difference to the DC's costs but I mean it makes no difference to my opinion on being asked to pay for their accommodation. If my adult DC is living and working overseas, I wouldn't expect them to ask me to pay for their accommodation to spend Christmas at mine. That's all I meant.

Lellikelly26 · 14/09/2018 18:42

Life is short, parents won’t be around forever. Make the effort and enjoy them. Wish I could have Christmas with my Dad.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 18:45

"a reasonable adult wouldn't let their parents pay for everything. "

Why not? If they want to and have the money?
I wasn't spoilt as a child, but do I think it's wrong that they cook Christmas dinner they've invited me to? Hell, no.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 18:49

"There is no indication of how well off they are. Certainly not in terms of disposable income."

They have a six figure income. That means they earn about 5 times more than the average.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2018 18:59

OP they have invited you to theirs, that is good, but don't feel happy about you staying the night, fair enough, they probably want some down time, without too many people there. If you want to go, check into a Travelodge, or if not, decline.

someonekillbabyshark · 14/09/2018 19:01

I would personally pay for my daughter at Christmas 🎄

Aridane · 14/09/2018 19:02

To me it's like inviting people for dinner and asking them to contribute towards the cost of food.

No - more like inviting people for dinner and then finding out you’re expected to pay their travels and perhaps put them for a night in a hotel!

Courtney555 · 14/09/2018 19:11

Yes they'll be spending a lot on the meal, drinks, all the paraphernalia that goes on Christmas day, but it kind of doesn't come in to it, as you don't see it as financially treating someone when you invite them to a Christmas dinner.

The fact that anyone goes to the effort of buying, preparing, all this stuff and then hosting you all (parents or not) should be taken into account.

Wanting you there, and going to all that effort is lovely and as grown adults, saying, the house will be full, so just book somewhere cheap nearby, is not unreasonable at all. If you don't like it, don't go.

altiara · 14/09/2018 19:34

Just me that thinks it sounds quite nice to have Christmas at the parents (so no stress) and then go back to a flat with your siblings for a bit of a party?!

Think your DSis sounds very entitled, she’s being invited for Christmas Day, can’t she ask one of you siblings if she can crash on your sofa/spare room. Parents have made it clear what she’s invited too, they’re not springing in her when she arrives.

OftenHangry · 14/09/2018 19:38

I think YA both BU.
But we don't know the whole family dynamic.

It's understandable that the elderly would stay with them instead off going to a hotel or so.
If you don't want to go, or your sister, just don't go then. We never paid for accommodation but £400 for flights and towards food and drink shopping. Now I happily pay for mum's £200 flight and food and drinks and pressies if we want her to come here. If she said she would like us in there for Christmas but elderly family members are staying with her, I would happily paid up for accommodation as well.
There might be a reason why the elderly are suddenly coming up for Christmas as well.

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/09/2018 19:56

When you choose to live overseas it is completely normal to still be invited to every family event back home and everyone expects you to say no to almost everything because it is too expensive to visit. The invitation makes you feel included even though you and they know you can't make it.

Your parents make a good living but so does your sister you say. If your sister genuinely expects them to pay her to come for Christmas, well, what a kick in the teeth for them.

Staying together in an Airbnb would be brilliant fun. Siblings and their partners did that when my elderly PILs downsized, nobody had DC
yet, everyone lived far away. Fantastic Christmases. Olds went to bed at civilised hour only respectably tiddly. We washed up for them then went off to our hotel for our after party. Both Christmas Eve and Christmas night were great fun.

choli · 14/09/2018 20:13

The OP's family seem to make a lot of assumptions about financial situations.

OP says the parents have a 6 figure income, and live in a very expensive city. I wonder how the OP knows their income, and how far a 6 figure income for two people in a very expensive city actually stretches.

The parents feel that sister abroad earns good money. However, she is expected to travel at the most expensive time of the year for flights and accommodation. While she may earn good money, it still may be that she simply cannot afford this, or that she would like to actually use that kind of money for a vacation somewhere she would enjoy more.

Either way, if I was Sister Abroad, I would probably choose not to accept the invitation. I always hated going "home" for Christmas, and gave it up very soon after moving abroad myself.

iamnotanumber10 · 14/09/2018 20:18

As adults you should pay for your own accommodation, why should your parents be funding you still? No room at the inn? They put on big boy/ girl pants and sort yourselves out. Unless you really don’t want to go in which case don’t.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2018 20:29

Returning to the town of ones birth? No room at the Inn? Hang on...

(Does AirB&B do emergency stables?)

DelurkingAJ · 14/09/2018 20:47

Family dynamics can be very odd...I saw the word summoned and remembered a screaming row I had with my DM who had insisted that I and now DH drive four hours there and back in very early December for a late Thanksgiving because she’d been away for the real thing and then do the same less than three weeks later for Xmas.

It wasn’t money but time in that case. But it drove home to me at the time that she still treated me as a teenager (I was mid 20s) who would drop everything to come for family occasions. She concluded said roe by saying I should go have a nap ascthen I’d be more reasonable. DH shoved me out of the room and repeated my request that we didn’t do this again...somehow that was ok!

I suspect that the OP family dynamics may e a little similar, in which case DSis is probably feeling under a great deal of pressure even though to an outsider ‘just don’t go’ is an option. Dynamic for us didn’t fully shift until I had DC in my mid 30s.

If the older relations are not close to your siblings can I suggest a pre or post Xmas gathering instead?! New tradition for a new generation and all that?

yomellamoHelly · 14/09/2018 20:52

I'd quite enjoy it that way to be honest. It would mean I had some control over the day / choose when I was at your parents' place etc. Nothing to stop you having a good time / spending an evening chilling out with your sister in the flat. If you've paid for it, it's your prerogative....

updownleftrightstart · 14/09/2018 21:20

No - more like inviting people for dinner and then finding out you’re expected to pay their travels and perhaps put them for a night in a hotel!

But if someone was visiting me for dinner, at my request, from a completely different country I wouldn't dream of expecting them to pay for accommodation and if I couldn't put them up of course I would pay!

And in this case the sister is getting nothing towards her travels, and nor is she expecting this. But the parents attitude that she should pay all this out as it's her fault she moved away is very unfair.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 15/09/2018 02:26

Perhaps you and your sister go and visit together after Christmas, when it's less expensive. Work out what it would cost, then decide if it's really necessary to be there Christmas day. If you are happy to pay that to go, then go for Christmas, but if your sister doesn't want to then respect her wishes.

Bumper1969 · 15/09/2018 03:04

Are you serious? Do you not want to spend time with parents? If not don't go. Such a sense of freeloading entitlement. Grow up FFS! Your parents sound like considerate and kind people. You and your sister sound like greedy, childish, selfish and spolit freeloaders. Don't go then. Deprive your parents. Some thanks for them.

Purpleartichoke · 15/09/2018 03:08

I pay for a hotel every time I visit my parents. It never occurred to me that they should be paying for my lodging.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/09/2018 03:15

I'd quite enjoy it that way to be honest. It would mean I had some control over the day / choose when I was at your parents' place etc.

This. Slightly different scenario, but my PIL insisted that everyone (several family members) stay at their house last year and it was so uncomfortable that even the DCs were over-tired and moaning.

This year, we're quietly booking a hotel or Air BnB and will just tell them it's non-refundable. We want to enjoy the time with them, not be yawning and nursing bad backs!

MeteorGarden · 15/09/2018 07:43

OP- I think it’s a signal from your parents that you’re ‘grown ups’ in their opinions. Which is totally fine so long as they graciously accept a ‘not this year, sorry’ and don’t push you to come whilst expecting you to pay for your accommodation.

I do think that ‘our generation’ (Im 25 btw not sure about you/ sister) have more financial obligation put on them than ever before.

I’m not talking about houses and cars and bills...etc (though I probably should be.) I’m talking about attending weddings, family events, group holidays...and similar.

DP and I just shelled out £250 for 2 nights acconidation to attend a good friends wedding 7 hours away! By the time we are done with travel costs and a gift it’ll be £400 gone.
Friends of ours shelled out £500 each (not including spending money) to go to a family wedding in Croatia last year and that was considered ‘subsidised’ 🙈😂😭 seriously?

Those commenting negatively about you not wanting to shell out maybe aren’t taking into account that Christmas won’t be your only financial burden. In my opinion, your parents have given away what would have been your free acconidation so now, whether you go or not, is totally up to you.

Given they’ve invited other relatives you may find they’re a little put out if you now decide not to go xx