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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:
Everyoneiswinginit · 15/09/2018 17:57

I think your parents have invited you for Christmas. They can't put you all up for valid reasons. You either go and travel home that night or find accommodation that you pay for yourselves as you are adults with jobs. Perfectly reasonable.

Everyoneiswinginit · 15/09/2018 17:59

As for weddings abroad, that is totally different. Yes more people do this now But it's still only an invitation, you can decline. I would if I couldn't afford it or I'd go and make it part of a holiday.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 15/09/2018 18:00

Actually I wouldn't want to leave at the end of each day for an impersonal flat, presumably not decorated for Christmas. Where's the festivity in that?

Everyoneiswinginit · 15/09/2018 18:05

I'm in my 40s. I had a great childhood and a close , loving relationship with my parents.But, apart from paying half of my wedding reception and my wedding dress, I have funded the rest of my life including driving lessons, wedding and honeymoon, house deposit. Th only 'help' we've had has been emtional and time and I'm glad. I owe nobody.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 15/09/2018 18:09

Wow your parents are tight aren’t they. Both my DH and I’s parents would never ask us to subsidise accommodation so we we can spend Christmas with them. I’m shocked that they aren’t even paying for your sisters flight home.

DaisyDreaming · 15/09/2018 18:10

I don’t want to sound mean and I know how big these things can seem but you are all lucky to have a family that gets on great and enough money that these things are an option. So many people would give anything to have a loving environment to spend Christmas, I would just pay the money and save any arguement or bad feeling

Brakebackcyclebot · 15/09/2018 18:14

So your sister wants your patents to pay for the entirety of Christmas - food, drinks and accommodation.

I am 100% with your parents.

Sparklyfee · 15/09/2018 18:29

Why a flat? Travelodge or similar would be cheap enough

Billben · 15/09/2018 18:32

They want us to come home for Xmas,

In that case they can pay for it.

hdh747 · 15/09/2018 18:41

I doubt the parents see it as 'summoning' - I imagine they think they are putting the work into offering hospitality.
They have told you what they think is fair. (and anyone can argue till the cows come home on that as we all see things slightly differently).
Bottom line, do you want to go and are you prepared to cough up what is needed to do so? If not say so, and they can say fine or offer an alternative if they like. Otherwise, go, stop whinging, and enjoy.

I think a lot of kids feel 'obliged' to Xmas with the parents. If so, you're not. But maybe some parents feel obliged to do it all and would quite like it if the kids said, 'hey we'll do Xmas, come to us'. Maybe a bit of honest communication would help.

theWarOnPeace · 15/09/2018 18:54

The question I would like to ask the people who quibble over what’s expected of them at Christmas, is can you ‘do’ Christmas yourself? Would you want Christmas alone? Should the elderly relatives rent an Airbnb instead? Any acquaintance of mine that bemoans the Christmas routine or the expectations or rules or whatever - cannot manage to do Christmas themselves! None of my close friends have ever ‘done’ Christmas, ever. I do Christmas every year for lots of people, and I love doing it and it costs a fortune and all the rest, but I don’t go on about how difficult it is to pull off. However, I would expect that my many and varied guests wouldn’t have the audacity to moan about them having to manage themselves in terms of accommodation, or petrol to drive to me, or train fare or whatever. We have a bit of space so we decide who needs it most, or/and who could drive home or who could book somewhere. Hosting Christmas isn’t easy, otherwise everyone would do it, and we wouldn’t be having this thread Hmm

lovetherisingsun · 15/09/2018 18:57

So your sister wants your patents to pay for the entirety of Christmas - food, drinks and accommodation

I am 100% with your parents

^^This

foxotterhare · 15/09/2018 19:09

I'm with your sister actually, provided your parents can easily afford it. But have no real argument as to why - it's very subjective. Home should be a place where you are hosted and don't have to pay for it. I agree with standing on your feet the rest of the year but everything reverts at Christmas. Let's face it - adult children tend to go home for their parents sake, not their own.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 15/09/2018 19:18

Putting the work in hosting.

Honestly who I thinks like this.

It's a privilege to have dc!! If you love them spoil them for gods sake.
I can't imagine in my wildest dreams carving up this division of labour. It makes it all so miserable.if you don't like hosting and it's such a miserable costly deal to do it for your adult dc... Don't bloody do it.

I love it. Adore it I hope I'm lucky enough that my dc will want to come home at Xmas and I can drown them and spoil them in love. If something goes badly wrong I still won't be charging them and if I fall on hard times I'd like to pray I can be open with them and tell them and we can all chip in.

lljkk · 15/09/2018 19:28

I'd like to see a budget breakdown.
Someone posted that it cost them £200/head for Xmas hosting. Nobody has ever spent that much on me since i became an adult, I promise!

Commonpeoplelikeme · 15/09/2018 19:29

Go. You’re all working adults. Your parents are providing you with the Christmas. If you were doing it at your own home you’d probably spend more. Unless you’re on the breadline you’re the guys that are being stingy.

RidingMyBike · 15/09/2018 19:34

If you want to be there for Xmas, then pay for the accommodation. You choose where to stay though. If you don’t want to be there, then don’t.

We’ve hosted Christmas for the last four years and invite various relatives. We’ve only got guest accommodation for a single guest (single room) so we’ve always explained to those relatives who want to come that x is having it this year as y had it last year, so y then arranges to go to local travelodge. Works fine. We don’t have any guest coming who is physically able to, say sleep on a mattress on the floor, so it has to be the one spare bed or the hotel.

They’re giving you plenty of warning, so I don’t see what the problem is?

MajesticWhine · 15/09/2018 19:41

Its not unreasonable to expect you to pay. After all you are not forced to go at all, it's your choice. If you're not happy with the arrangement then stay at home or do something with just you siblings.

Bimgy85 · 15/09/2018 19:44

Clearly you don't want to be around your family if you're even questioning it.

That would be an expense I wouldn't even question if that was me as Christmas = family.

foxotterhare · 15/09/2018 19:44

I would lay rushes on the motorway if it meant my children would come home for Christmas.

Waltzingmatilda65 · 15/09/2018 20:00

YABU - go and pay or don’t go. I don’t think your parents see it as summoning more inviting. You can always turn down the invitation.
My DH wants us to downsize when we retire to keep costs down. I think hold off doing this for as long as poss as I would love the DC to visit us at Christmas and other times but as soon as they have DC no way would we have the room to host them both and as we would be retired the DC would be expected to pay if they wanted to visit. As we now pay to stay somewhere when visiting MIL as she is in a tiny one bedroomed flat.
Your sister is a CF and you don’t sound much different to be honest OP.

Everyoneiswinginit · 15/09/2018 20:03

I am flabbergasted at all the grown, working adults still expecting their parents to pay for them. Shock Even if one offered I would refuse as they would have been heading to or retired already.

fatimashortbread · 15/09/2018 20:15

We (2 parents, 2 kids) host Christmas for my Mum and MIL. Due to space constraints (MIL has to sleep in the sitting room so Santa wouldn’t be able to come 😀) the two guests have to stay in a hotel on Christmas Eve. We pay for it because they are guests (MIL loaded, my Mum less so) it wouldn’t occur to me not to. They both stay in our house from Christmas night to the 28th. I can see both sides tbh. I always think though that families with non-adult children should stay home and host so the kids can play with their toys and new traditions can be created.

NotBeforeCoffee · 15/09/2018 20:49

When me and my husband can’t fit in my family home over Christmas my parents pay for us to stay in a local b&b. They aren’t as rich as your parents from the sound of it op but they wouldn’t dream of making us stump up the cash for accommodation

smallchanceofrain · 15/09/2018 21:32

I wouldn't want to stay in a B&B or Travelodge for Christmas. I'd want to rent somewhere nice, where I can self-cater, chill out and indulge myself. Mainly because other then spending a few hours having meals with my parents, and assorted elderly relatives, I probably wouldn't spend much time with them. My parents get ready for bed at about 9pm. It would be a bit grim going back to a cheap B&B or hotel and killing time until I join them for boxing day lunch. Hence the appeal of staying somewhere cosy and having a good supply of treats. Would I expect my parents to pay for any of this? No.