Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

[Xmastimealready]

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

Not unreasonable to pay at all. If you can't afford it, don't go.

Although common, I think it's really childish to assume your parents will keep funding you into adulthood and Christmas does cost a lot - I've hosted my family a few times now and it's not cheap.

Ime, a lot of people who have never hosted a large family Christmas have no idea about the cost. I don't know how it adds up to so much, but it just does. I guess you can do it on the cheap but I think most people would try to get the nicest possible food and drink to treat their guests at a special time.

I've had family members stay locally in small hotels when I've not had room for everyone - and yes I prioritised older members of the family above closer relatives. If there'd been any suggestion that I pay for that as well (I probably am better off than the ones that stayed in a hotel), I would have been absolutely shocked. Admittedly I am not their parent but we are a close family who otherwise help each other out. When everyone involved is an employed adult, it's only fair to share the load.

Oh god, now I'm thinking about Christmas and how we'll probably end up hosting again. I love to see my family, but I really wish one of my siblings would step up so that I could be the one to just rock up on the day and not worry about the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry...

Seriously OP, be grateful for what you are being offered!!

Do you visit your sister overseas, or do you always expect her to come to you?

As usual the responses are very black and white here.

My parents lived elsewhere when I was in my 20s and I had to travel every Xmas. It was expensive, with travel costs, presents, a contribution which was never asked for but I wanted to make and, although fun, parts of it were hard work as I helped with prep etc.

I got 20 days annual leave and by the time I had travelled etc, Christmas was always at least 4 days and very expensive. I think I would have thought twice if I had to pay for accommodation as well.

Plus, depending on the moods of various family members, it was not always unmitigated joy.

I have some sympathy with your sister, particularly if your parents don’t visit her and she feels like she is always the one to make the effort. Your parents have chosen to prioritise their elderly relatives in her eyes over her. She probably feels that she is making all the effort to go and doesn’t even get to stay at home.

My children are younger but I do have friends with children in their 20s. Some are entitled horrors but the majority are reasonable young adults. They are also struggling financially in the same way that I did in my 20s. Doing well is relative. I will help my children if I am able to when they are establishing themselves.

I also think it is harder for young people now. Life is just more expensive. It’s not all mini breaks and avocado toast. Older people need to recognise that and be sympathetic.

Oh and don’t expect anyone to be grateful or impressed if you’re choosing to buy expensive wine or food. That is very much your choice. Most people, especially in their 20s, are equally happy with inexpensive wine and go home to be part of their family at Christmas, not for expensive wine or food.

I would be seriously unimpressed with my DM if she told me to be grateful for her expensive food. If I am hosted by someone, I am always appreciative of the effort they have made whether they have entertained expensively or cheaply.

Rambling now but being summoned home to eat food I was expected to be ecstatically grateful about because my DM had chosen to feed us nomadic organic turkey and wine made with unicorn tears, be lumbered with the washing up for a crowd because DPs had cooked/oldies were too infirm to help and stay in an expensive soul less rental... Not a hope!

This is a difficult one, because your parents haven't invited you to stay for Christmas, because there is no room. They have put the older family members first. They shouldn't be expected to pay for your accommodation though, but also they should expect you to come if you can't afford the accommodation.

Do you contribute anything towards Christmas? My mum always cooks dinner for various reasons, but every year I take Prosecco, wine, chocs, cheese&biscuits, dessert, pigs in blankets, as my contribution towards the few days. There is no way that I would expect them to cover everything.

I wouldn't mind paying for my share of a flat whilst my parents pay for food and booze and cook it and host.

You can't expect people even parents to fund the bill for everything every Xmas.

Christmas is a time for giving and sharing 😂

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, and it could be a nice chance to have some “sibling time” away from your folks as well as family time all together.

If it doesn’t work for two or more of you, one could host the others (even if it means air mattresses/bunking up together) and Skype the “main party” to say Merry Xmas/open the presents you’ve sent each other.

As your parents age, it might be nicer for you guys to step up and host them sometimes too.

If your parents are inviting you, because they want to do 'the big family Christmas' and if they have the largesse to put you up elsewhere, then it would be very kind of them to do that and a very cushy invitation for you.

If the 'big family Christmas' idea is a mutual one and/or putting you up for a week in a flat isn't a negligable expense for them, then I think 'they host, you put yourselves up' arrangement is good and reasonable.

You are adults. You pay for your own holidays presumably. This is your chosen Christmas holiday. You could do your own thing instead. You will increasingly become 'the ones to do your own thing, fitting in with / meeting up with others', then 'the hosts'. Make the most of your parents' willingness to host, while it lasts.

I find your sister's attitude that the capable adult children, rather than the elderly relatives, should stay in the parents' home, really despicable. It's utterly lacking in empathy or common sense. Who needs 'looking after' and being treated as a guest more? That really stands out for me and portrays your sister as a spoilt brat.

Also, a brat with no concept of the 'spirit of Christmas', which to me is about welcome and inclusion (pregnant lady in the stable anyone?) and giving, not receiving. I think this very much includes inviting those relatives and friends who need you, especially so at a time of family celebration, more than you need them.

It is a more general point but I've really altered my opinion of people in the past because of their selfish, insular attitude to 'their Christmas' and not wanting their perfect family Christmas (I'm talking about adult children going to their parents' here) to be 'compromised' (I'd say enhanced) by inviting perfectly nice relatives, friends and extended family members (caveat, I'm not talking baout the horrible ones), who will gain much more from it than the immediate family 'lose' (and I think they're rather sad and unimaginiative if they do really see it as losing). Humbugs the lots of them.

OK, so with the drip feed...

I am the overseas sibling/child in a similar scenario. I don't choose to visit the UK at Xmas, but realistically I have to so that my dc can spend time with their dad, & because it's one of two times in the year when I have enough time off to justify the trip.

Usually I check in for a couple of days with elderly dps & then immediately bugger off travelling.

If I did have an arrangement to stay over Xmas itself, honestly, sharing a rented place with siblings would be a) fun & b) a financial fleabite by comparison with the costs of flights, travelling in the UK, shopping in the UK etc.

Either let her do her own thing without further comment, or, if there are enough of the rest of you siblings & you all agree she's having to spend loads more travelling to Expensiveopolis & you want to help her out, have a discreet whip round & cover it between you?

For god sakes!
Your all adults with jobs, if you want to go and visit your parents at Christmas then sort your own accommodation and pay for it yourself 🙄
If you don't want to go visit your parents at Christmas then don't!

I think it depends how much she wants to be there for Xmas and how much she feels she's being ordered there.

If the former, then she should willingly pay. I would.

If the latter, I have to say if it were me I'd probably politely decline.

how bizarre

I have never even considered my parents might pay for me to visit them

in fact, I've just paid for my dad's flight for him to visit me

I think now you're adults you shouldn't expect your parents to pay all the costs of hosting Christmas as well as paying your accommodation. You paying for your accommodation would be your contribution. It's not cheeky at all.
Your sister is behaving like a child.
If you can't afford it, just explain that to your parents, but you'll probably find it a similar cost to host Christmas at your house (unless you're very frugal).

I think now you're adults you shouldn't expect your parents to pay all the costs of hosting Christmas as well as paying your accommodation. You paying for your accommodation would be your contribution. It's not cheeky at all.
Your sister is behaving like a child.
If you can't afford it, just explain that to your parents, but you'll probably find it a similar cost to host Christmas at your house (unless you're very frugal).

I would be v unimpressed if I was asked to pay DC accommodation so they could join us for Christmas and would say no. (Unless they were a student or had some extenuating circumstances).

We spend in excess of £500 (probably quite a lot more, not sure I want to add it up!) hosting Christmas. DC & their partners/families are always welcome (but never summonsed) and would never be expected to contribute.

DC would soon find it'll be more expensive to diy, eat out or going to other people's (say, friends), they'd expect a contribution. And might appreciate what we provide a bit more.

Your parents are not making you pay for anything. That's such a misleading title. They are inviting you to spend Christmas Day (and I'm guessing more than one day) with them, hosted by them, at considerable effort and expense.

Go or don't go. Your sister must have planned for travel costs to visit family, when she moved abroad. Up to her if this is one of the times she wants to visit. If she doesn't, she's the one who has chosen to end 'the family Christmas' by moving abroad.

One solution, for the future, might be that you all chip in to rent a big house and 'do Christmas' together. Negotiating who cooks what etc could be delicate and it could be really tricky and/or really lovely.

I don't think there can be a blanket right or wrong here. It's all down to what's the norm in YOUR family, the nuances, the way the subject has been brought up, if it is a one-off.

If your parents always expect to host Christmas at their house and you children always travel there and stay over then yes, I can see why your sister would feel put out about your parents inviting other relatives to stay with her paying for flights to see her family but not being able to stay in the family home.

But, are you sure your parents do like hosting Christmas? My parents have jumped at the chance NOT to host Christmas when I moved away and one year offered to host at mine. It's now become the norm. However, my in-laws are the 'demand everyone to their house for Christmas' types and the one time they accepted our invitation, they sat around miserably and went home on boxing day and did Christmas at home properly themselves with my DH's grandmother present. Your parents could be the former though. Perhaps they have invited elderly relatives to fill up the bedrooms to send out a message to you adult children that the assumption they will host needs to stop?

Whenever I've returned 'home' for Christmas, I've booked into a hotel if there hasn't been room to stay. It never crossed my mind to charge my parents the money back for it!

The drip feed is relevant.
If you are finding airfares, then the difference of having to pay for accommodation can (and it seems in this case does) tip the cost just over the edge.

My suggestion is she either comes and stays with you (or one other sibling) and you either host the siblings together or you drive to your parents.
or
You have "Christmas" in January. Your other older relatives won't be staying, so you (or at least your sister) can stay with parents. Air fares will be FAR cheaper. You still have your 'original growing up family' together for a few days and can repeat all your family traditions. All resolved.

DH and I rent a cottage between both sets of parents when we go home for Christmas, as we live away from "home" now - and have done since before DD was part of the equation.

Nowadays there are some DSiblings within driving distance, some coming from far flung. DM priorities beds in the house based on need (and knowing DH and I will definitely try for separate accommodation). DMIL the same (although will guilt trip DH into staying there as much as possible - but we literally cannot all fit).

By renting a cottage, we have separate accommodation to relax in (well, a tiny but) but also to have our own chats as DSiblings (the others come out to see us separately to DM and DF), and to have a different gathering another day to Christmas so DPs are not hosting everything. And it takes some pressure off both sets of DPs about needing extra beds squashed in somewhere.

And it means we have a comfortable, and in fact, proper, BED. And not fighting everyone for limited shower and hot water. The only downsides are cost of renting (well worth it to us) and having to drive there after dinner (only 10 minutes and there is 1 non-drinker in the family so often they will give us a lift).

If anything, the DSiblings should talk about it together, and decide what suits them. Do you all want to rent somewhere together, do you all want to drive over daily and someone of you host DSis, is there a hotel for DSis to get a room locally to DPs, or is there space for just her to have an airbed or similar if the rest of you can drive?

If you are going to rent something, let it be the DSiblings who find it and agree on what the requirements are, and how to split the rent, and how long to rent it for. So most of you may only want to be there maybe 2-3 nights, but DSis may want to stay a whole week if she's taking holidays and having to travel long haul - or she may want to come and visit one or more DSibs around the 2-3 days family gathering and you all only need the accommodation for those few days.

It sounds much more fun that staying in your parent's home! In the circumstances as you are adults and in work I think its perfectly reasonable.

I can't believe the amount of people here who would invite people for Christmas and expect them to pay for accommodation.

If we couldn't accommodate everyone we would at least offer to pay the cost and have done this before (and we aren't anywhere near as well off as it sounds like OPs parents are).

To me it's like inviting people for dinner and asking them to contribute towards the cost of food.

How much is an Airbnb for the period you need to Stay?

Your title is not correct is it. They are not making you pay for Christmas but for accommodation to enable you to spend it with them. I had visions of pay-per-sprout.

Assuming you and your sister are adults I don't understand why you wouldn't pay for the apartment yourselves and the wealth or otherwise of parents is irrelevant. If you don't want to then don't go. End of problem.

chewbecca not if they had to pay for a flight as well. Definitely cheaper to stay home.

God, I wish people would rtft.