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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:
Snitzelvoncrumb · 14/09/2018 07:44

I think if they want you to go, they shouldn't expect you to pay for accommodation. If comes down to do you want to go? Is it expensive? Would you have more fun going on a holiday over Christmas, somewhere fun?

MrsPear · 14/09/2018 07:46

None of my family live in big houses so we rent one for Christmas. We divide the cost by rooms. Not difficult if you want to be together. I see it as a holiday. We go for the whole week. If you don’t want to pay then don’t go.

LeftRightCentre · 14/09/2018 07:47

I think they're fucking tight. They are telling you, come for Xmas, but oh, you pay. Nah. All this 'you're adults!' yep that's true, time to make your own traditions in life. My children are older now, too, I wouldn't expect them to pay to be near me for as long if I asked as I live and can afford it.

averythinline · 14/09/2018 07:50

following the drip feed - i think your sister has a point.....if she feels summoned and is using her leave as far flung means it wont be a couple of days trip and a time she maynot have chosen and then asked to spend more it may feel to her that they dont actually want her there.

She is an adult if she does not want to spend that sort of money then why should she?

You sound the one thats struggling with change and growing up ....yes christmas will change but its only a couple of days ( and I am a big xmas fan) but as you grow up - things change whats going to happen when there are partners/children in the mix - they are def not going to fit in teh small house..

If you miss your sister why dont you go and visit her.....maybe thats the conversation you have with her....I miss you how about I come over to you.......maybe for xmas ?

LeftRightCentre · 14/09/2018 07:51

I think you’d also find if you cooked your own Christmas dinner, with crackers, Christmas pud, a couple of bottles of alcohol you’d not be far off of the budget for the accommodation- and small Christmases are quite soulless.

In an expensive city at Xmas? Give over! You can get a Xmas meal in the Co-Op for a tenner.

small Christmases are quite soulless.

All you single people, people who can't have a child or more than one, who live abroad from families, have to work on Xmas so don't do the big meal, this is you. Hmm Bollocks.

It's one day, OP, one overblown, commercialised day. Make it your own, that's quite adult, too.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 14/09/2018 07:51

I don't think 'close by' means actually close, just not a plane ride away. Hotels in London (or other expensive cities) are hugely expensive for anywhere nice, and I include Premier Inns in nice, compared to other parts of the country so an AirB&B would be a way better option for a group of adults.

I'm afraid I have limited sympathy for your sister. She's an adult with her own money.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 14/09/2018 07:53

Oh no I disagree.

If I could pay for my dc of course I would!
Rent somewhere lovely for them as a Christmas treat.
Unless massive back story here where they feel your both spoiled?

Dh parents did something similar.

The choice was... Go with my dp who we all chip in for each other ie.. Sometimes they covered bulk of any cost, sometimes we did... But we all want to be together and enjoy each others company.
Or..... Being asked to pay to go with pils who definitely could cover the cost when actually.. He doesn't get on with them and he might go if it's their treat but definitely won't go if they make him pay for the privalidge.

I just find something high and mighty about it. Yes hosting costs but don't host or ask for people to bring a dish.
Xmas is hugely expense when you have dc!!

ErnestTheBavarian · 14/09/2018 07:54

Well, why doesn't she fly over and stay with you, and you take turns driving. Or you rent the flat and share the cost.

Sister is still totally unreasonable. I live abroad, and it never occurred to me that someone should pay my flights. That was her /our choice. She gets to live where she wants, she gets to pay the travel. I feel sad for your parents. Sounds like she is blackmailing them.

Morethanthisprovincallife · 14/09/2018 07:56

Oh my goodness... The most soulless cold miserable Xmas I ever had was at in laws about 12 of us in total. It was only my dc who injected a teeny bit of warmth.

Cold, humourless, lots of chat about money. That's it.

Versus warm small Xmas with just us doing as we please in beautiful decorated room!! Great music, fire...

AlexaShutUp · 14/09/2018 07:57

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids.

No, it really isn't normal as an adult to expect your parents to pay everything. My parents have never asked us for a contribution towards Christmas costs, but like most half-way decent adults, my DSis and I expect to pay our way and insist on chipping in accordingly. And yes, both of us have lived abroad at different points in our lives, and we have always chipped in on top of any travel costs. That's just a given.

I do understand your dsis being disappointed about not staying in the family home, but really, if there are no other costs for food, drink etc, it isn't a big deal and I would suck it up.

As for being sad about your sister not coming home and it being the "end" of your big family Christmas, I'm afraid that's normal to some extent. At the very least, most people end up alternating between their parents and their in-laws, and once they have kids of their own, lots of people prefer to stay at home. Nothing stays the same forever, life keeps changing, and we have to learn to navigate our way through without clinging too tightly to the way things always were.

LeftRightCentre · 14/09/2018 07:59

Maybe the sister inherited their tight gene. Maybe she's sick of the family Xmases. Her choice.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 14/09/2018 08:05

Why are they tight? Until I read this thread it had never occurred to me that an adult child wouldn't just pay for themselves in this situation. When we visit PiLs and they can't fit us all in we pay to stay in a B&B and they have more money than us. That's just normal to me.

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 08:05

Maybe the sister inherited their tight gene.
Where's their tight gene? We now know the parents got on the housing ladder late, so even if they have a six-figure salary, they are maybe concerned about paying off the mortgage before they retire. And the mother has selflessly offered to host for some older family members, who are so infirm that staying at a hotel isn't an option for them. That would certainly be hard work. The parents are also paying for Xmas. They just think the adult children with jobs should club together to pay for their own accommodation at Xmas!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 08:10

" it costs us hundreds and hundreds of pounds "

Sorry for my ignorance, but how is it so expensive. You don't have to have a turkey, which I imagine is the expensive bit. The veg is all cheap isn't it? A few jars of sauces that are not really compulsory, some mince pies and a few microwaveable Christmas puddings. Where's the huge expense?

In any case, these parents have a six figure income and they're the ones who want their children to visit. I just wouldn't go.

Joinourclub · 14/09/2018 08:12

How sad as a parent , for your adult children to turn around and say “if you’re not paying I’m not coming”!

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 08:14

"No, it really isn't normal as an adult to expect your parents to pay everything."

If the parents can afford to, they're usually happy to do so. Mine have even reimbursed my travel costs occasionally. I presume they actually want to see my at Christmas and it's not the same as going off on holiday to Spain or something where I would pay everything myself.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 08:15

"How sad as a parent , for your adult children to turn around and say “if you’re not paying I’m not coming”!"

How sad for an adult child to hear "You can come at Christmas as long as you pay" when the parents are wealthy.

Confusedbeetle · 14/09/2018 08:15

Of course you should pay or not go. Interesting that you say you are "summoned" very telling and not behaving very well

LeftRightCentre · 14/09/2018 08:17

And the mother has selflessly offered to host for some older family members, who are so infirm that staying at a hotel isn't an option for them. That would certainly be hard work. The parents are also paying for Xmas. They just think the adult children with jobs should club together to pay for their own accommodation at Xmas!

It's never an obligation to host! If you consider hosting 'paying for Xmas' or 'hard work' then don't do it. 'Everyone's grown up now, time to start your own traditions!' Not tell your children, well, come to ours, but well, since I'm going the meal, you pay for accommodation.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/09/2018 08:18

"I see it as a holiday. We go for the whole week. If you don’t want to pay then don’t go."

To be honest, if I was paying for a week's holiday, there are more interesting and warmer places to go to.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/09/2018 08:18

I think if you and your siblings choose to go, you should of course pay your own accommodation costs.

However, it would be perfectly reasonable to decline as your sister has done. She hasn't really been invited to spend Christmas in her parents home, and doesn't see the point of travelling and spending money to stay in a (possibly dreary) rental flat over Christmas, when she could be at home.

It is a bit sad when family traditions start to fall apart, but it sounds like there are enough of you to still have a great time.

LeftRightCentre · 14/09/2018 08:19

It's an invitation. If you don't like the terms of any invitation, then don't go, but a host has no right to become offended by that Hmm.

StuckInTheMiddleWithJude · 14/09/2018 08:20

YABU we've invited our families this year and there isn't room for everyone to stay here so they're all staying in a local hotel. They're under no obligation to come but are very excited to.

AlexaShutUp · 14/09/2018 08:22

If the parents can afford to, they're usually happy to do so.

Yes indeed, my parents are certainly very generous, but my point wasn't so much that the parents of adult children might resent paying for everything (though I'm sure some do!), but rather that a reasonable adult wouldn't let their parents pay for everything.

I'd happily pay for dd for as long as I could afford to, but I would still feel that I'd failed as a parent if she didn't at least offer to contribute. Dsis and I always insist.

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 08:22

Left I think there is some obligation to host older, infirm family members to ensure they have a great Xmas.