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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

274 replies

Xmastimealready · 13/09/2018 22:50

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 14/09/2018 07:10

Given that she used the word "summon" it shows that she considers this more of an obligation/duty than the fun christmas you consider this to be.

Also if you have always stayed at the main house, having to travel (in any form) on the day will change the dynamic of the day.

BakedBeans47 · 14/09/2018 07:11

I’m also not getting why the older relatives need to stay there for “comfort reasons”. Last time I looked hotels and hire apartments had the same facilities (and sometimes more) than many houses.

averythinline · 14/09/2018 07:13

I think if you are paying (which as an adult you should be) you should stay where you want....if you are ok with the flat that thats ok but dont get landed with your sisters bill!

if the house is too small for you to crash there (i slept on the living floor when visiting my mums) then if you want to see tham at christmas then you have no option...but then feel free to stay shorter/longer to suit yourself....

if its been presented as a fait accompli then I can see why your sister might be upset at the change but to hang on to the upset is not very adult!

could be good to shift your relationship to more adult to adult

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 07:20

I feel sorry for your parents. Perhaps they feel an obligation to invite elderly relatives for Christmas. It'll be hard work entertaining them, and most of that will probably fall on your mother. If your parents aren't retired yet, and they really have a six-figure income, they're probably saving for retirement, so not as well off as you suppose.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2018 07:20

BakedBeans
I was thinking perhaps the elderly relatives don’t drive or nap during the day. It’s an assumption though. I’m chronically ill and the set up, where I stay elsewhere wouldn’t work for me.

ErnestTheBavarian · 14/09/2018 07:20

A real question out of interest for the people saying they would definitely pay for their dc - are your dc still young children, or are they adults with families and incomes of their own?

If my children were still very young, and some are, I might feel the same thing, but as a parent of an older teen, I feel now differently. I just spent a weekend away with my ds, and spent a shocking amount of money on new clothes and shoes for him (he did need them), taxis, restaurants, pubs etc. Because he wasn't paying, he had absolutely no idea at all of how much I spent on him and his gf. and it did rankle that he didn't offer at least to buy a drink. More the token effort of appreciation I think. And so I hope that when he is earning more, he would expect less iyswim, and also be able to understand the importance of reciprocating, within one's means. This situation isn't even reciprocating!

Generosity and fairness are important qualities imo.

It might be 'tightness' on the part of the parents, or it might be a reasonable belief and attitude of the parents to want the children to take some financial responsibility. After all, a holiday apartment split several ways between the adult offspring is nothing compared to the vast cost the parents hosting will incur.

SoupDragon · 14/09/2018 07:22

I guess the question really is whether you are family or freeloader.

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at paying to stay somewhere for Christmas to be with family, especially if they are paying for all food and drink. Families work together.

Or, you can just not go. I’m not sure what the cost of accommodation for you would be, split between you, but food and drink isn’t cheap.

BakedBeans47 · 14/09/2018 07:23

Mine are still young children, but if they had less disposable income than me as adults, and I was in a position to help them out financially, I would. Same as my parents do with me if I’m struggling. They remember what it’s like to have young kids and not masses of disposable income

XXcstatic · 14/09/2018 07:24

I don’t get parents who are this tight. Fair enough not bankrolling adult children day t day but if I am in a position to help my children out with extras when they are adults I absolutely will as my own parents do with me, and they have nothing like the income your parents do

MNetters who say things like this rarely have adult children Smile

See how you feel once your DC are in their 20s and you have funded them through their teens, uni, post-uni move back home, and with the prospect of helping out with house deposits, weddings and grandchildren not far off. It's one thing to help out with big things like buying a house - I think most parents who are in a position to help want to do so. It's another to be expected to bankroll your adult, solvent DC.

XXcstatic · 14/09/2018 07:25

Cross-post Ernest - great minds Wink

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 07:26

Ernest My older child is 19 and a student, and I totally relate to what you've posted. I've been surprised at how little DS registers how much everything costs, and a little token in recognition would be great, especially as he's been earning some money. Grin

slkk · 14/09/2018 07:26

It sounds a lot of fun staying in a flat with siblings. Somewhere to escape in the evening, not so much bathroom pressure and less likely to be woken at the crack of dawn.

BakedBeans47 · 14/09/2018 07:26

I did clearly say in the post you quoted that helping out is different to bankrolling them. I don’t think any adult child should expect that

Original poster
Xmastimealready · 14/09/2018 07:29

Thanks for all the replies!
They got on the property ladder really late and live in one of the worlds most expebsive cities so yes, the house is small.

I'm going to get slaughtered for drip feeding here but I withheld some info because its so outing! But here goes:

All of us siblings live within driving distance (although a loooong drive) of parents city BUT: my sister actually lives in a farflung country.

So her reasoning is: I have to shell out £XXXX on a plane ticket and i cant stay at the family home AND i have to pay for a flat?
My parents reasoning is she earns a good living and also it was her choice to move to a farflung country and that coming home for xmas etc would be a pain.

Me personally on reflection i think its right us kids pay our way.

Im just sad this means sis wont be coming this year, she didnt come last year either and Im sad this means the end of family xmas all together.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 14/09/2018 07:32

I wouldn’t expect parents to pay.

Rhondacross · 14/09/2018 07:36

I think what your parents are suggesting is fine. Your sister comes if she wants to. You're all grown ups. Christmas is just a couple of days in the year, you can get together any time.
Your parents are planning to spend a lot of money and work quite hard to get everyone together.

tempester28 · 14/09/2018 07:37

Surely you don't need to rent a flat? Just a few nights in a hotel if there is no room at the house.

RainySeptember · 14/09/2018 07:38

That does change my opinion slightly. If one of my dc lived abroad, they would take priority and be given a spare room in my house. But why didn't she come last year? Perhaps your parents thought she wouldn't come.

XXcstatic · 14/09/2018 07:38

Bit of a pointless thread without that bit of info, really, wasn't it, OP?

"AIBU to break into my neighbours' house?"

MN: YES

"Oh sorry, forgot to mention that their house is on fire and I'm trying to save their DC - does that make a difference?"

legspinner · 14/09/2018 07:38

Hmm, neither would I. We usually stay with my MIL at Christmas, but last year my BIL and his family came down as well. Same size family as ours but their DC are much younger. They stayed with MIL instead and we rented a flat 10 mins walk away instead - yes it did cost, but it was worth it IMO - great to have some space and a quiet retreat when the young cousins got too much (our DC are teens). MIL felt bad but there was no way we'd have expected her to pay.

Beargoesgrr · 14/09/2018 07:40

Bit late to the party, and I’ve not RTFT so excuse me if what I say isn’t relevant.

In my view it’s your choice to go or not, it’s an additional cost at a tight sort of time of the year, but then, if you weigh up the cost of the shared accommodation, I’ll assume as you said all there’s 3+ of you and your siblings, it might cost £400 for accommodation, so that’s just over £130 each, which I’m not sure is worth hurting feelings over, especially on Christmas. I think you’d also find if you cooked your own Christmas dinner, with crackers, Christmas pud, a couple of bottles of alcohol you’d not be far off of the budget for the accommodation- and small Christmases are quite soulless.

I come from a big family, between 9 and 13 of us at the table each Christmas Day. It was always loud and there were always a few arguments and cheerful conversations at the table.

No longer in contact with my family, I spend every Christmas with MIL, FIL, DH and DD. If it wasn’t for DD it would be the quietest Christmas, it is not the same at all.

Maybe that’s also worth weighing up if you don’t go.

FlowersAndHerts · 14/09/2018 07:40

Im just sad this means sis wont be coming this year, she didnt come last year either and Im sad this means the end of family xmas all together.
So when you used the word summon, kind of putting your mum down, it was a bit inaccurate. Grin

NonaGrey · 14/09/2018 07:41

To be honest the drip feed makes no difference at all. I’ve lived abroad, it was my choice. Airfares and accommodation back home were absolutely my responsibility.

She’s behaving very badly about this.

RedSkyLastNight · 14/09/2018 07:43

This is the reason I won't go to see my parents at Christmas. They live in a "popular seaside town" and paying for accommodation at Christmas is expensive but their house is too small to accommodate me and my siblings' familes. This is coloured by the fact that we do make the journey to see them at other times of the year, and they pretty much refuse to come and see us - so the expensive and inconvenience of travelling is always with us.

in your case OP, can't you and "close by" siblings just travel over for the day and surely your sister can squeeze in somewhere at your parent's house (sleep on the sofa or something?)

Beargoesgrr · 14/09/2018 07:44

Hmm. In regards to sis paying. Can your parents not pay her way for the accommodation? In all honesty I’d be beyond pissed off to fly to visit parents who then made me pay to stay somewhere because they prioritised other people over me.