Parents making us pay to visit for Xmas?

[Xmastimealready]

NC as really outing. Inspired by some of the money-oriented threads on here!

So basically, parents live in a small house. They want us to come home for Xmas, which we're (me and siblings) happy to do, we all get on great. Except this year they are having some older family members over too who will understandably need to stay in their house for comfort reasons and there isn't room for us all.

So they want us kids to rent a flat (none of us live in hometown we are all driving up from different cities, 20s and 30s and all have jobs).

They want us to pay for the rented flat.

My sister thinks this is tight of them as its their choice to "summon" us back to the fanily home for xmas. She also thinks they have a 6 figure income and its just mean.

They think we're adults and should pay our way as they usually sort out all the food and booze for xmas and they say thats really expensive (I can appreciate that, although none of us are xmas binger types). My sister thinks this isnt a valid reason as it is a normal part of being a parent, even to adult kids. As in another thread I saw on here, they don't believe in helping us out financially in any way.

I'm sort of on the fence but edging more towards my sister's feeling. What do you think? Is it normal, a bit mean, or seriously mean?

Am I the only one who thinks it unlikely they have a "6 figure income" yet "only have a small house".

If they are young enough to be still earning, and you are all living away from home, it seems odd they've downsized to a little retirement place, and if they are retired then it seems unlikely they have a 6 figure income and if you have all grown up in this home and parents are on such a big salary, how come they don't have a larger house ?

However, that is just my 'by the by pondering'

I don't think the idea of you getting an Air BnB nearby is so terrible if you are all earning, but it is possibly the way it has been expressed.
Would you feel differently if they'd said "Look, this year Gran and Aunty Joan are staying so we don't think we can cope with you all staying over too, and all the cooking and hosting. They are getting older now and need a bit more time, a bit more peace and quiet and a bit more support. Obviously we'd like to see you lot too, and we still think we can manage to feed you all and host you a few times, but we're going to have to think about the sleeping arrangements.", then one of your siblings suggested you split the cost of renting somewhere ??

What is your alternative? If you host your siblings, you'd probably spend the same on food and drink as you will on a share of the rent. Or you could all stay home and miss out on the big family get togethers? Or you could invite everyone to one of yours instead ?

It is a difficult one. My elderly Mother has a three bedroom and comfortable home in Devon. The entire house is filled with "stuff". She wants us to visit her and yet expects us pay for a local hotel for our family to stay in, because she has no room.

She knows that we have been paying a lot of money for the education of our adult children both studying at uni. She doesn't seem to understand that we are not rich enough to afford hotels or holiday rentals.

When we were children, there was never enough money to go round in our family, I left school at 16. Yet for some reason she thinks we have an endless pot of money. I have simply had to explain that until the education of our children is completed we cannot afford a hotel.

I would give anything to have another Christmas with my parents.
If you can afford it and it’s something you want to do, do it
Don’t get caught up in a load of she said, he said, we said, who’s buying the crackers shite

It's pretty similar to if you were invited to a wedding away from your hometown. You wouldn't expect them to pay for your accommodation in that situation would you? If it's too much you would politely decline the invitation and stay at home. Because that's what adults do.

Entitled adult children? Much?

Yes. Very.

Bet none of you will bother to take any drink food or flowers to your parents home either.

As for the poster who suggested not wasting precious time doing any washing up while staying with your parents, I can't believe that any adult would actually plan to deliberately not help in this sort of way. You're family ffs, you're supposed to love each other, not sponge off them and treat them as slaves because it's Xmas.

You still haven't said whether you want to go or not, OP.

I’m sorry OP but you come across as completely clueless. Have you ever hosted a big Christmas, with people staying overnight so extra meals involved?

Even if you aren’t big drinkers a “naice” bottle of wine is expensive. Sainsbury Chateauneuf starts at £20 and you’d need more than one bottle.

Get thee to a supermarket online and start putting things in a virtual basket, including all the little “Christmassy bits” that your family has as well as larger items like turkey or ham or both. Nuts are surprisingly expensive says the person who makes a bit roast for Christmas.

Add the work of hosting, and please tell me you help with washing up, laundry and general jobs like collecting all the wrapping paper for recycling instead of sitting about being waited on?

Christmas is a lot of money and work. What are you “adult children” contributing beside the gift of your presence?

Yabu, hosting Christmas can be very expensive and stressful. If you don’t want to pay for the flat then don’t go.
You haven’t said who the elderly patents are, perhaps it’s your own parents parents and they want to spend Christmas with them too.

So your parents have invited older (elderly) relatives for Christmas, and your young, solvent, entitled sister thinks it's not fair to pay her way?

Don't join her. Be a grown- up. It will give you a much better Christmas, and yes, your parents will be spending a fortune.

My sibling decided that they wouldn't come for Christmas if our parents didn't cover travel costs... he had a very underwhelming Christmas as a result.

If you and your siblings decide to have your own Christmas, with you lot buying the food, wine, crackers, and everything else "Christmassy", you will soon see that the cost of it mounts up to a lot. Might be a good life experience for your sister.

A turkey alone is £50. If your parents have say 3 older relatives staying, and there are 3 of you, that's 8 mouths to feed. And provide alcohol for. Depending on how your family does Christmas, this could really be expensive. Your parents are happy to foot the bill for this. I don't think adult children paying to rent a flat for themselves is wrong at all. Your sister sounds like a bit of a princess.

Book into a hotel for as long as you need to stay.

Rent a flat??!

That's a lot more trouble than a short trip home will warrant.

Sorry but if I was in a six figure income, I’d pay for my kids to stay in a flat and have dinner etc at Christmas, I wouldn’t make them pay. Unless they are all wealthy kids, why wouldn’t you pay for your own kids if you had the income? I don’t think your sister is unreasonable. Do your own thing this Christmas.

Six figure income and a small house is extremely weird. I’d say it depends how you feel about your parents and what your financial situation is. If paying for the flat would be in lieu of an annual holiday I’d decline. You could always do something with your sister and go halves on the food. Do either of you have children? I’d have thought you could crash in the living room if you’re 2 single people.

Doesn't sound like you want to go. They have company this Christmas and I would take advantage of that and go on holiday with my partner or friends.

Your thread title suggests they're charging you per head for Christmas dinner!

They've invited you for xmas but have elderly parents/aunts and uncles staying in the house and thought you'd be happy to make way for them, maybe even prefer to stay somewhere else.

They didn't say 'you'll have to find somewhere else to stay', they sourced a flat that you could all share and have a lot of fun at.

You're working adults, so I don't know why you wouldn't expect to pay.

All of this perfectly normal in my friendship group btw, no one has ever paid for my hotel when I go home (parents live in a one bedroom bungalow on a retirement complex).

Not sure why your parents are suggesting renting a flat unless they mean an air bnb. Perhaps they're trying to suggest an affordable way to stay somewhere as they can't put you up this time.

I'd book myself into a Holiday Inn over sharing a flat with my siblings tbh!!!

Christmas dinner costs a fucking bomb so ponying up 75 quid or whatever for a hotel room is a drop in the ocean comparatively.

Do not get cunty about it, nor should you let your sister. You're adults now. You can stay at home for free!

"Rent a flat??!"

I assumed a serviced apartment or similar, like a hotel, pay per night.

I think yabu to expect them to pay. They "summoned" you for Christmas? Strange word choice as I'd have said invited and thought it was nice they'd offered to host Christmas because hosting can be stressful and expensive. If you don't actually want to go then make a plan to see them another time, but expecting your parents to run around after you and foot the bill in your 20's and 30's makes you appear a bit grabby.

Your sister is acting like a spoilt brat. I can’t believe an adult is expecting mummy and daddy to pay for them.

No room at the inn op?!

Are there not any nice stables nearby?

How much is the flat vs a week's skiing over Christmas? Which would you prefer?

Sounds like your sister is conflating her resentment about your parents not providing general financial support with the Christmas arrangement.

The Christmas idea sounds fine.

Heh, I think a Air BnB in the uk will be a lot cheaper than skiing!

We do this quite often as the ILs house gets full up. Never thought to ask to be reimbursed!

Unless you are being ‘required’ to come or anyone is very early 20s/very low income, your sister is totally unreasonable.

This is where mumsnet is weird. These are your parents not just some random uncle or whatever.

IMO it’s not in the slightest bit “grabby” in the circumstances you describe to have an expectation that, given their wealth presumably in comparison to yours, that they might meet the cost of the flat. It’s not like they are scrabbling around to survive on a pension if they have a 6 figure income.

I don’t get parents who are this tight. Fair enough not bankrolling adult children day t day but if I am in a position to help my children out with extras when they are adults I absolutely will as my own parents do with me, and they have nothing like the income your parents do.

I’d decline their invite and do something with your sister and her family instead.

Renting a flat would be cheaper than hotel accommodation for individual families. It would also give you the flexibility of coming and going and not being forced to stay in stressful situations, which there will be, over Christmas, especially with over-excited kids.

I'm shocked that your sister, and you edging towards it, expect your parents to pay. All of your language, subconscious or not, screams entitlement. Summoning you Christmas? Or inviting you? Should pay. Making us pay. etc etc

It's a hard transition from kid to adult in terms of learning today your way. My ds is now 19 and still automatically expects me to pay for everything. Even though the financial balance is largely in my favour, so naturally I do most of the paying, it grated on me that he didn't offer so much as to buy one round of drinks, even as a token gesture of appreciation. I sat down and had a chat with him about money! It's important to learn.

Please try to see it from their perspective. They are probably feeling hurt and frustrated at your (the children's meanness). If there are several siblings, there's probably several incomes to split the cost of a holiday appartment. So your share of the costs will really be quite low compared to the vast cost and immense stress of catering for so many people.

So absolutely, your sister, and you are being very mean, and imo immature to not see and appreciate this.

I didn't mean this unkindly. I found a hard lesson too! My mum invited me to tea at the Ritz to celebrate my grandma's birthday. I was then really outraged to be presented with a bill of my share! She hadn't mentioned money before, and I totally expected her to pay. I had just graduated so was pretty poor, and she was very well off, and I totally assumed she would pay. I wish she had had a gentle conversation with me about beings more financially independent and generous.