AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

I’d say your MIL thought she was doing a nice thing for her grandchild ( and it was). However i can see how you might be a bit annoyed. It’s annoying to see one treated differently to the other. Unfortunately it seems to happen a lot in families.There is a saying that says “ If you can’t change it you must accept it”. There really is nothing you can do about it. Best to let it go and move on.

YANBU this stuff causes resentment in families. DH was in a similar position where his sibling was provided with a flat abandoned lots of financial assistance by their DPs and he was not. Both siblings worked just as hard at school and careers and there was no reason to treat them differently it is just blatant favouritism.

Abandoned?!*
And

I wouldn't think like that at all OP. She hasn't got 2 flats to lend but it is nice that she is able to help DNin this way. I would feel pleased for DN and neutral for my own DD. After all if the offer had been made to my DD in similar circumstances I would have accepted it.

She’s probably pissed off, knowing she can’t really charge rent to a relative. Bet she’d rather have a proper lodger and get some money ?

MIL can't win here really can she. If she had let the flat out to a stranger, your niece's mother would probably have been on here saying 'My MIL has a flat in the town my daughter is going to University in, ideally situated. It recently became vacant - but rather than offer it to her grand daughter she has chosen to rent it out to a complete stranger. She is really wealthy and doesn't need the money'

It probably hasn't crossed her mind that she is giving anyone an unfair advantage. She happens to have something that will help out a close relative. It is a really lovely gesture.

If the flat was in the town that your daughter is going to Uni in, I bet she would have received the offer.

Life ebbs and flows like this.

YANBU but there isn't a lot you can do about it. Do you think if it was the other way round she would give it to your daughter or are there other issues here like she is giving it to her DD's daughter or she favours one child?

At the end of uni the other GGD is going to come out with a lot less debt than yours as a result of not having to pay her main expense, rent. That will give her a massive advantage in life e.g. getting on the property ladder early. Also, how many rooms does her flat have? She may even be able to sublet one and make money out of it.

I would be upset, but cant see how you can change the circumstances. I would be letting her know that it was unfair though.

I would be annoyed too, OP.

longwayoff

You miserable creature.

What a horrible thing to say, hatever your opinion.

whatever

What the heck YABVVVU.Reasonableness isn't even visible in the rear view mirror.

This is about geography.If your DD wanted free accommodation she should have applied to the same university.Sugesting she has to rent it out and split the proceeds is beyond entitled!

YABU.

My DM provides free childcare for my DB because she lives next door to him (and she wants to!). We live over an hour away and don't have any family near us. We pay for childcare. It has never occurred to me that DM should pay my childcare costs because she minds her other DGC.

After all if the offer had been made to my DD in similar circumstances I would have accepted it.

Actually, I find it hard to believe that any decent person in the shoes of the niece's parents wouldn't be extremely uncomfortable knowing that there's a cousin who will be shifting for herself under identical circumstances. It won't be the first time in these girls' lives that comparisons have been made.

pp are right that OP's DD may well have the better experience tho.

This is the very definition of comparison being the thief of joy.

@Meredith501
I don't think it's comparable though. Providing childcare doesn't come at a financial cost to your DM e.g. she didn't retire or something to provide it? Your DM can't be in 2 places at once and I wouldn't feel resentful over that.

I personally feel like this is different, the MIL has sacrificed rental income for 3 years potentially, there is a financial cost to the MIL and she is giving one grandchild a massive financial benefit while giving nothing to the other. I would feel very put out if I was the GC getting nothing while my cousin gets a free ride.

I would feel very put out if I was the GC getting nothing while my cousin gets a free ride.

If you go through life with this mindset you are going to be very miserable indeed, guaranteed.

Holly,

She actually did retire early in order to do the childminding. I still hold no resentment about it; her life, her choice. If I wanted free childcare, I could have lived near my DM. I presume the OP's DD could have chosen the uni in the same town as the MIL's flat and would be getting the same benefit as her cousin.

I don’t think the situations are comparable. Your MIl was in a position to help one grandchild that was needing accommodation in a specific area she happened to have a flat. It’s not like she’s given one cash and not anything for the other.

Some people are just oblivious to this sort of favouritism and will call those who see it unreasonable. I see it. I only deal fairly down the the line with my kids.

At last some sensible people!

OP as has been pointed out, life is not fair. You can't weigh and balance opportunity and luck. Stop being bitter about this. Your DN is fortunate and her GM is kind. That's all.

Expecting the GM to share out the rent on the flat equally is entitled and grabby.

You are BU. By chance the MIL has a flat in the same town as your niece’s uni. She is being v generous in not charging rent. You expect her to give your daughter money towards a nicer flat to balance it out? So, because she’s being generous, you expect her to incur yet MORE expenditure on your daughter? Because she’s ‘well off’ ?
Just No. I really don’t like this sort of petty jealousy. Would you feel better if the MIL had not oven your niece use of the flat at all? Presumably had the flat been at your daughter’s university town, MIL would have let your daughter use it?
An opportunity came up for MIL to help a gc. She did, but now she has to shell out for any other relatives whose noses are out of joint?

I don't believe she pays her bills too or you would've put that in your OP, you only says it when you realised few people agreed with you and aPP commented it would only be unfair if she was paying all of her bills too. DD will have lots more fun living with housemates and having people to share a house and bills with next year when she's out of halls. YABU

No one is saying she should incur more expense. That really would be entitled and grabby. What people are saying is that she could make it fairer by charging a nominal rent or use the money that she is using to pay the bills towards helping her other gd. Or even renting it out commercially and splitting the income from that.

There are lots of ways of ensuring that both girls have a bit of help towards their uni experience, without favoring one over the other and without impacting dm's financial situation any more than it is now.

It is up to your MIL how she shares her assets. Appreciate your DD is going to have inferior accommodation but it is quite possible that she may make more friends. Being in a flat knowing your grandmother owns it won’t be as much fun as being in halls or flat share and could be lonely in the end. Focus on supporting your DD settle into her digs.

If the shoe was on the other foot would the OP think it was unfair on her niece?