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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

314 replies

breezeanddaisy · 13/09/2018 19:39

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 13/09/2018 23:25

I really can’t understand posters on here who can’t see that the grandmother is being totally unfair and showing favouritism to one granddaughter over the other. She should be helping them both or neither of them.

Aridane · 14/09/2018 00:58

Lol - I’m sure lovely DGM would be happy for OP’s DD to live in the house too. Not DGM’s faultmDD isn’t going to university there.

I think she should have bought a second house for DD to live there rent free to balance things out.

Lollipop30 · 14/09/2018 01:01

YABU it doesn’t need to be fair, life’s not fair.

If your MIL had gone out and bought the flat specially for one then that would be wrong, but she just happens to own one in the same town already by chance. That’s just lucky for you niece

SaturdaySauv · 14/09/2018 03:02

I don’t think yabu to feel how you do about this. It must feel frustrating to want to give more to your DD but not be in a position to afford to. I would struggle to be pleased for DN too (even if I didn’t like myself much for feeling that way).

DelilahandDaisy · 14/09/2018 03:10

Many of the earlier posters are banging on about an empty flat, but it wasn’t empty. It seems ridiculous to give it for free to one grandchild when there could be a paying tenant in there. The money could then be split. I think it is unfair, but I cannot understand why a first year student would want to be in a flat when all their mates are in halls anyway.

categed · 14/09/2018 03:49

We don't know enough information to sat fair or not.
The situation of the gc in the flat. Would your dd have also got to share the flat if she was at same uni as her cousin? ( sorry if i missed an answer to that) and relationship between gc and grandmother.
Both my cousins got free accommodation at uni from my gf. My sister and i both went to uni near his house but were never offered. As a family we were well aware we weren't on par with tge favourite cousins. But we wouldn't have wanted to stay tgere anyway.
Best advice is forgwt it, please don't point it out to you dauhter as it will hurt and what is thw point. Lots of good gp have favourites and as parents we try our best to cover those , sometimes obvious, disparities. Be proud of your dd and your families self reliance. Even if it does irk.

Blendingrock · 14/09/2018 04:00

Sorry OP but I do think you're being just a teensy bit unreasonable.

Your MIL is not obliged to do something for your daughter just because she's doing something for her other granddaughter (step or not) and without wishing to sound rude, her bank balance is no-one's business but hers.

It's natural to want the best for your daughter, but you need to let this go. To dwell on it will only cause resentment to grow and that's no good to anyone.

Monty27 · 14/09/2018 04:04

OP, yabvu. Grandma is not doing it out of spite. She's being lovely to your niece. It was easy.
As for your DD I am sure grandma will chip in other ways.

Bitlost · 14/09/2018 04:05

Ynbu. If she wants to help, she should have rented the flat out and divided the income after tax in two. My grandmother is super fair and that’s why she has built a cohesive family of 5 children, 10 grandchildren and 8 great grand children who all get on and don’t post anything negative about her on social media.

SilverBirchTree · 14/09/2018 04:15

I think your DD will have more fun in student accommodation. What makes it 'shitty' in your opinion?

I would try not to look at it as favouritism, just circumstances.

If it's important then could your DD transfer to that university and live with her cousin for free?

TeddybearBaby · 14/09/2018 04:27

The bills is the bit that I’d find annoying because that is just paying for one and not the other........ what can you do though?! I can totally understand you feeling hurt by this because really is not being as highly thought of that is the underlying issue I think.

I bet your daughter is going to have the best experience and she’s got you caring about her. She’s lucky for that x

Shockers · 14/09/2018 04:37

How do you know she’s paying the bills?

What are your niece’s family circumstances?

I pay for my sister and her kids to go on holiday, but I don’t do the same for my brother and his family. Their needs are different. I love my brother’s kids just as much as my sister’s though, and I really hope they’d never be resentful.

crumpet · 14/09/2018 04:41

The MIL might in fact view it as the DG helping her, rather than the other way round. Saves the MIL from worrying about strange tenants, the property remains occupied and so no insurance issues, and covering the bills might be a way for her to thank the DG for helping her out and giving her one less thing to have to think about at this time.

Unless there’s more, I doubt the MIL actively planned to prioritise one DG over another, and would have done the same if it happened to be your dd who chose university in this city instead.

SpareASquare · 14/09/2018 05:08

I'm not being grabby or anything remotely like that

Yes you are.

If MIL had a flat in the town your daughter goes to Uni in, she'd be in the same situation wouldn't she?. Did your DN choose her Uni knowing the flat was available and did your DD have that same opportunity? ie, if your dd wanted to go to Uni in that town she could have used the flat? Could she have done that and shared with DN?

If she had that opportunity to choose that Uni and take advantage of the available flat and chose not to then that is on her, surely?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/09/2018 06:17

crumpet
As a ll myself that suggestion did give me a chuckle. If the flat is so difficult for the MIl, she can rent full management through an agency..... or sell the bloody thing if it’s such a millstone. She still has to pay insurance, you know. Buildings and contents. I don’t have ll insurance or contents as I rent unfurnished. She’s even offering to sort out all the bills. Hardly the actions of some helpless little old lady, who doesn’t want the worry or hassle of a second property.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/09/2018 08:09

How does anyone know MIL is taking care of all bills? Op has really done some sleuthing...

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/09/2018 08:42

"How does anyone know MIL is taking care of all bills? Op has really done some sleuthing..."

Do you disbelieve her, Iamagreyhound? Just say so if you think she is lying. Perhaps she will then further explain, to your satisfaction.

MsHopey · 14/09/2018 08:44

Is she closer to one GD over the other?
People might not think that's important, but I get on very well with my nan.
I am 26, married with one DS, but I visit her weekly, i was catching the bus at 16 to visit her on my own as I went NC with my dad.
We have a chat about the week over a cup of tea and she adores DS! I don't ask for many favours but she has helped me financially if I've needed it (I always try to pay it back unless it is 100% a gift). Most her other grandchildren onmy come on their own birthdays or Christmas with their hands out. Not much of a relationship with them and they don't act bothered about having one.
So, I do get more help than they do, but I'm the only person who visits her weekly, I used to take her shopping weekly until my work patterns changed that. I do housework for her when I visit if she is struggling.
Some relationships get extra benefits (not always financial) if you put in the effort.
I love and respect my nan so much and would still visit, no matter what, but she has helped me when she can. And I do consider myself one of her favourite grandchildren, but she's one of my favourite parenting figures, that's life.
I'm not my mom's or dad's favourite 😂 so at least I have someone.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/09/2018 08:51

I can see why you'd be a bit hurt OP. In your MILs shoes I would give your DD some money towards her rent. Maybe a one of lump sum.

However I've got to say if it had been your DD getting the free flat would you be feeling the same regarding your niece?

Ignoramusgiganticus · 14/09/2018 08:55

I can't believe all these holier than thou people who think yabu. It's the principle behind it rather than the actual money.

Of course yanbu. She's giving a huge leg up to one child whilst forgetting the other. She could easily even it out a bit in various ways as suggested by pp's - if she wanted to. And this is the crux of the matter. She doesn't appear to want to and it is that which is upsetting.

fieryginger · 14/09/2018 08:56

Think for a moment, if the GD's uni places had been switched, do you think your DD would have been given the flat? I'm assuming the answer would be yes.

She has a resource to do this because the flat is in the same town as your niece.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 14/09/2018 09:01

But why would you WANT to favour one child rather than the other when toy could easily make it fairer. That speaks volumes about how she feels about them both.

TheFairyCaravan · 14/09/2018 09:04

YANBU in the slightest.

Your niece is going to have a much easier time at university not having to worry about bills. All the money she gets is hers to do with exactly as she wants.

As for alll the posts saying ‘I bet the GM makes it up to your DD’, I wouldn’t be so sure. My nieces and nephews have had holidays, cars, day trips, handouts, you name it. My kids have had nothing. Some people do favour one set of grandchildren over another.

masktaster · 14/09/2018 09:04

Years ago, DP's GPs paid off his DB's university fees as a will advance. They intended to do the same for DP, but that never happened.

He got the equivilent extra share of the will when they had both died.

These things can even out later.

Jagblue · 14/09/2018 09:07

@breezeanddaisy why odd reply?
Not because your Mil has money and you don't she should make it equal between the girls.
I do agree that would be very nice as they are both going to university. I understand your point but sounds like you want mil to compensate.
If things were the other way I don't know how the other mother would feel.
Living alone in a flat can be lonely specially in the first year.
Your dd may have a much better experience sharing with other people even if the accommodation isn't as nice.

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