AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

Yes I agree with that. Hopefully MIL will come good.

No the point is that the other cousin could pay some towards her free flat and the ops dd could have been given some

except the DGM would have to declare that as income, pay tax on it, do a tax return etc. It would be considerable hassle for what is a nice gesture.

Is she then expected to give all subsequent grandchildren the same amount when they go to uni?

You beat me to it, Sandstorm. I don't imagine the question of fairness ever occurred to Granny, she had a flat in the town and it seemed the obvious thing to do with it.

Our four have all had different subsidies from us, they probably don't equal the same amount but they've had what we could do for them when they've needed it. And no way are we going to set up a spreadsheet to analyse it all.

If there exist just these two grandkids - it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have the one in the flat pay half rent, and that put towards the rent of the other, would it?

If it was me (as the parent of the one paying in full) I'd carefully moot that idea.

Ok if you think this is unfair, try being in our shoes.
Mum and dad bought a sibling a house. He is nearly 50 and never worked. All if the siblings have worked since 16-18, never claimed benefits other than child benefit but apparently his need us greater than any of ours as we all have mortgages!
So mum and dad go out with him and buy a £140,000 house because his renting situation wasn't good. We all got a phone call from mum saying that she knew we would understand ( this was after my brother got the deeds btw!)

Granny then shouldn't be too surprised when the ops daughter decides that she doesn't want to put much effort into maintaining a good relationship with her elderly Grandmother. If she feels a second tier relation, then why should she bother?

I suspect that your MIL doesn't think of it in cash terms but as a gesture of hospitality, more like putting up her granddaughter in her own house as she just so happens to have houseroom in the relevant city. All the posters saying "but she should charge her half rent and give the rest to OP's DD" are missing the point that the grandmother clearly doesn't want to start charging her own family rent, or handing out cash gifts, even though her generosity is obviously going to save one granddaughter a lot of money. Presumably OP's DD could have chosen to go to university in the same town if she'd wanted to. There is no favouritism in evidence there at all.

Analogous examples: a grandparent might look after a grandchild living locally, but never dream of then giving cash to the other offspring living elsewhere to help cover their childcare bill. Because to them it's not "providing free childcare in lieu of cash" but simply "looking after my grandchild while mummy is at work".

Alternative scenario: a female child might inherit an engagement ring, or a male child an expensive man's pocket watch. Should the child of the other sex expect an equivalent cash gift? I don't think so.

Again, parents sometimes pay towards a wedding or buy a child a car. If one child decides not to get married, or not to learn to drive, then I don't think they should expect a lump sum. Because none of these gifts are cold hard cash, even though they have financial value.

So it's not as simple as "her money, her choice", because she isn't handing out cash but hospitality. Covering the flat's bills is simply an extension of that hospitality. It's annoying that your DD can't benefit, but it's not unfair and I think yes, it would be pretty money-grubbing to expect your MIL to start totting up the "value" of her hospitality and handing out cash to "compensate" your DD. It's not as if she has left one granddaughter tens of thousands in her will and the other nothing. That would be unfair.

Maybe she doesn't bother now and that's why it's happened.

Who told you about this OP? And the fact the bills would be covered too?

I think it's a really shitty thing to do tbh.

nota
That sucks, although TBF it's a bit more understandable as your parents have obviously found it hard to see one of their much loved children in a worse situation than their other children, even if he has caused that situation himself.

In the ops case there are no such extenuating circumstances that we know of. The Gran has chosen to help one child only when two are equally as in need.

maybe bluelady

I think your niece may actually find the whole flat thing a hassle. She can't choose how many people
She lives with, she may have granny dropping in on her.
My DC would hate to be in that position!

Haven't RTFT but In the interests of fairness, she could have charged DN half the market rent and then gifted that rental income to your DD to go towards her rental costs, as it doesn't sound like she needs it herself

That’s a very sensible plan

So glad I am not related to you. She's helping where she can this isn't a competition. I am sure if your daughter was in the same city she would have openly given it to her to stay in. You are so unreasonable!

As a grandma I am struggling to see how MIL can think this is fair. Especially as both GD have started university at the same time. I wonder if she's not thought about how it would appear unfair. I hope it's that and she will bung the other GD some money.

Unless your dd is attending uni in the same place as niece I think that you can't be annoyed. Do you know if niece applied to the university because of MIL's flat being in that place?

TheHonGalahadThreepwood

Exactly. You said it so much better than I could!

I think YABU. If she had a flat where your daughter was studying I'm sure she would let her stay there for free too, its not like they're both studying at the same uni and she's saying only the niece can use it. Also, if she's well off it probably makes no difference to her to not have the rent coming in from her flat so maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to her. She's just trying to be nice what's she supposed to do - buy a new flat for your daughter to use?

notacooldad
how could he et a house if he isn't working? I have 4 DC and help them out according to their need.I would take a very dim view of an adult wailing about unfairness.

Alternative scenario: a female child might inherit an engagement ring, or a male child an expensive man's pocket watch. Should the child of the other sex expect an equivalent cash gift? I don't think so.

Interesting point. My GP both have/had interesting collections, that in their will (drawn up when I was the only GC), my grandfather's collection was to be split between the grandsons, and my grandmother's the granddaughters. DGF is now dead, and his collection split between his four grandsons. I remain the only granddaughter, so unless my uncle has another female child before DGM dies, I get the lot. I don't think my brothers, cousins, parents or aunt & uncle see this as unfair.

But this is fairly different. None of my siblings or cousins are remotely close in age to me, and this wasn't drawn up to benefit me over male grandchildren. It was just so it didn't have to be rewritten for each new grandchild.

(the collections have little monetary, but huge sentimental, value. If I'm honest, I'd like a small part of my GF's, but I was gifted other small things of his after he died that mean just as much)

FlipnTwist The answer is bank if mum and dad!
They took it upon themselves to buy him a house as the landlord was selling and they thought it wasn't fair for him to relocate after living there for 26 years!
Non of us other siblings have bitched about it. Just rolled our eyes as usual and accept it.

I remain staggered that some posters think it shitty that DGM is allowing a DGC to stay in her property rent free. And that because of the happy accident of having a property in DGC’s uni town, DGM must now make some financial contribution for other DHC’s rent.

Ardine - I suppose they take the view that the grandmother is foregoing rental income and therefore making a considerable gift to one grand daughter. She is also paying bills on top of this. So the value of this gift could be between £5,000 and £10,000 per annum depending in the local rental market. Other granddaughter is getting no financial help.

It is entirely within the grandmothers gift ofocurse to do as she pleases, but it is uneven.

It would b pe dofferent if the granddaughter was living with the grandmother while at university - but she is getting rent free accommodation. It is a wonderful and very generous gift. And I am sure that granddaughter (and her parents) are incredibly grateful.

The free accommodation Might have been offered to both granddaughters before uni choices were made of course. Wa sit an attempt to influence or bird or reward?

A fair this to do would have been to rent at commercial rates to a hird party then split the rent between the girls as a gift therefore helping both.

What I am struggling with is those who think this is fair don’t seem to see the rental property an simply an income stream.