AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

I think the op inbu. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was the neices mother, then id still think it was unfair and would say so.

Op has made several references to how shitty her dd’s accommodation is, and how Grandma knows how shitty it is. Just how shitty can first year halls actually be, in relation to everyone else’s?
It won’t be the lap of luxury, naturally, but will likely be the same standard as thousands of others starting her uni at the same time?
What could Grandma be expected to do about the quality of the halls?
But her a flat too??
Someone else having access to a nicer flat in a different city won’t make the dd’s halls any more or less shitty

That's you Ingnoramus. I'd be interested to know how the OP would feel.

It is unfair. It would be different if the flat would otherwise be sitting empty which it sounds like is not the case. If she wanted to be fair (without it costing her anything extra), she could continue to rent out the flat and give your DD and DN half the money each towards their uni accomodation. Or she could charge DN a bit of rent and pass that on to your DD to reduce her costs or enable her to upgrade a bit.

Mind you, if i were your DN i would want to be in university halls the first year as it is easier to get to know people. Best outcome may be for MIL to continue to rent it out the first year and to give that money to your DD to use towards accomodation across the 3 years. DN then gets the flat for free the next 2 years. DN pays 1 year accom costs and gets 2 free, and DD gets reduced accom costs across 3 years which (depending on rental value of flat) may work out to be a similar benefit.

Or if the flat is more than 1 bedroom, second room could be rented out to a friend of DN and that money given to your DD.

Unfortunately it is her right to be unfair and there is nothing to be done other than to think worse of her for favouritism (which i would in your shoes).

I think that it is 100% worth it to spend a hefty chunk of time stewing about how granny is counting out her coins in her tower to bequeath the prettiest, cleverest grand daughter in all the land. As for the other, she gives her a sharp kick up the arse with a hobnail boot, all the way back to her "shitty" accommodation.

Your standards are not those of an 18 year old recently let loose on life, OP.

I look back on some of the hovels I inhabited in that sacred bubble between adolescence and a decent pay check and sometimes physically recoil.

But who gives a shit?! Frankly, as long as she isn't at risk of attack/someone kicking down the door to jack her iPod/Jack wills joggers, she will be absolutely fine.

Don't, whatever you do, lament the poor shitty state of her accomodation to her.

These are the wild times in which she should be doing vodka shots through her eyeballs and shagging away to her heart's desire.

Not saying "put that down, granny bought that!". Believe me, the Princess Child is going to get heartily sick of living in her ivory tower because she'll be so worried about wrecking it!

Your daughter, on the other hand, will probably become a rock star. FACT

If it was the same town it makes sense?

Im all for not making things equal all the time!

livefor everything you say is true but spare a thought for the op's dd who also may actually be feeling a bit upset that Granny appears to like her cousin more than her. And it does.

We see all the time on here threads where posters do not have a good relationship with their parents and siblings. Why is this? It probably stems from unfair treatment throughout their lives, be that emotional, financial or practical. There just seem to be so many dysfunctional families on here which must lead to dysfunctional thinking to justify certain situations.

I am secure in the knowledge that my parents and siblings love me unconditionally and are fair in their treatment of each other. We all have a great relationship.
I wouldn't condone this situation if I was the op, her dd, the nieces mum, the niece herself or the DM. Just WHY would you blatantly treat people, or allow others to treat people, differently if it is within your power to be fairer? It just doesn't make sense. If the op knew that it is swings and roundabouts then she wouldn't be on here complaining. For me this issue isn't the actual money itself, it's a problem with family dynamics and how the family view each other.
In my family, if this situation occurred there would be a bloody good reason for it and we would all know that reason and would be supportive of that reason as we are all reasonable empathetic people. There wouldn't be a thread. Clearly in the ops case there doesn't appear to be any other reason apart from blatant favouritism. Which would be hurtful.

I don't believe she pays her bills too or you would've put that in your OP

So you are accusing the OP of lying. Based on what?

You’re being jealous and entitled. Your MIL has a flat in the city where your DN is going to Uni, so it’s not an issue for the DN to stay there. Giving money to your DD is not at all the same thing. Also, you may not think it’s fair, but life isn’t fair. This is a good lesson for your DD and yourself clearly if you’re not aware of that yet. Get your daughter to change uni and share the flat with her cousin if you want something for free and you’re that bothered.

Allowing someone to use a resource for free is not at all the same as giving money.

Allowing someone to use a resource for free is not at all the same as giving money.

DN is getting money as well.

@PickledChutney - Allowing someone to use a resource for free is not at all the same as giving money.

Allowing someone to use a resource that would not otherwise provide an income stream (e.g. dn living with granny) is not the same as giving money. However, forfeiting an income stream on a resource that you normally receive an income on, in order to allow someone to use it without charge is most definitely the same as giving money.

Granny's income is reduced. It doesn't matter whether it is reduced because she hands over hard cash or she forfeits part of her normal income. It is a cost to her that results in dn having more disposable income.

YANBU

I don’t understand why people are saying things like:
YABU. What could she do to make it fair? Charge your niece half the rental value of the flat and pass it on to your DD?
Your MIL is helping because she has a flat available in the town your niece is in.
as though the idea is ridiculous - yes that would be the fair thing to do, or as another poster has suggested rent the flat out and share the rental income.

The exception is if there are extenuating circumstances e.g. you can afford to help your dd, whereas dn’s patents can’t afford to give any help. Or dn has special needs which means they’d really struggle in standard student accommodation and this flat suits her needs well. (Though to be honest she could still take half a standard cheap student rate from dn and give it to your dd)

She might be planning to give a special gift to your DD at Christmas or something.

But the wouldn't the op know if that was likely?

But the wouldn't the op know if that was likely?

Why would she? It's only the middle of September! The MIL could be planning to help her GD out financially soon enough.

I think all the posters saying things like she might be planning on evening things out at Christmas, in the will, house deposit etc are missing the point somewhat. My parents told the grandchildren they would help as they were able to when the kids went to university. They were all aware that they would be treated as fairly as possible, even if it wasn't fully equal or all done at the same time.

Parents or grandparents who believe in, and practise, fairness will generally ensure that the children know why one is getting something they aren't getting and that they will be treated similarly at a different point in time.

Yes, life is not fair. But it's not at all unreasonable to expect parents and grandparents to be fair even if the rest of the world isn't. And yes, I am aware that fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.

Exactly theymade

I wonder why op hasn’t made her displeasure known to her MIL? She seems to have had balls enough to enquire who was paying the bills?
I’d love to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.

How else could MIL be fair though? She has one flat in the town one of her grandchildren are attending university. She can't magic another flat for her other grandchild.

Should she not have done this for her GC because it's not fair on the other one?! Imo it makes perfect sense to do it but as I previously said in MILs shoes I would have given the OP's DD some money towards her accommodation to even it out.

I think you just answered your own question greatduck

And that money could have come from a reduced rent and bills rather than completely free rent and bills. It wouldn't be reasonable to expect mil to fork out even more money to even things out.

It's one of those occasions where it would be silly for the MIL to say "I have a flat in the town, but I won't let you use it because I can't do the same for the rest of my dgc".

Renting it out and sharing the money is far more hassle-and may have tax implications potentially. I don't know enough about that side, but it's certainly far more hassle than just saying "do live in it."

Things aren't necessarily the same due to circumstances.

When dsis went to uni she got all my gran's stuff as she'd just moved into a nursing home. Otherwise the stuff would have been scrapped.
I got the spare stuff from home.

Db had a huge strop when I got that as he said when he went there was nothing left for him. But when he went he got new.

Do I mind? Not at all, nor did I then. We got what was available at the time, and if we'd been born in a different order then we'd have got different stuff.
That's the point. If the Op's dd had gone to the uni in that town and the niece had gone somewhere else, then I'm sure it would have been offered to her instead.

No the point is that the other cousin could pay some towards her free flat and the ops dd could have been given some so that both children who need help with their uni costs could benefit from their grandmother's generosity. Which would be fair. What is not fair is giving one girl completely free living costs with even her bills being paid for her.

witchend you all had stuff that was needed given to you equally, albeit slightly different stuff according to availability. It is not comparable to the ops situation.

It's not fair if the OP's DD doesn't get any help from her GM but sadly that's life. Unless MIL is a hard of thinking dimwit I doubt she's not going to help her other GD.

Sadly it is life for many people but them people wonder why relationships are strained.

Then