AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

But if she'd done that she'd have had to pay the taxman at least 20%. It might be equal but it would also be pretty bonkers in my view.

We see it clearly enough, but evidently Grandma doesn’t.

I can see it’s technically ‘unfair’ but it goes against the grain for me to sit monitoring this type of thing.

Unless there is some backstory of historic favouritism I think these sorts of things swing in round abouts and if you can’t do a kindness without everyone jumping in for their share then it’s a bit miserable.

I tend to agree that in my time staying in shitty halls with your friends was part of the experience. I would not have wanted to live in a flat by myself at all... but perhaps the world has moved on!

For me this issue isn't the actual money itself, it's a problem with family dynamics and how the family view each other.

Well, quite.

I don’t think I’d be bothered about the niece being given the flat rent free as that’s just circumstantial to her going to uni in the town where the flat is.

I would be bothered by my MIL then paying bills for one and not the other and don’t think you are BU to be upset by this.

There is a good chance we will end up in a similar position, although not for many years thankfully, and I know it will bother me despite knowing I can do not a thing about it.

But the flat isn't simply an income stream. If it had been, the grandmother might have offered to donate the rent from it to the supposedly "favoured" granddaughter, to enable her to choose her own preferred accommodation. She hasn't done this. The girl is offered the choice: accept her grandmother's hospitality in the flat she happens to own, or choose and rent her own place. It's not a cash gift, and the grandmother is not donating the rent to either grandchild. She's simply offering to host the grandchild who happens to live in the relevant city.

Sometimes life is unfair. If the roles were reversed no doubt your dd would have a free flat and your niece would be paying and I suspect you wouldn't have an issue if that were the case. Do people actually monitor every last thing the grandkids do/dont get given? I have no doubt there is a lot of 'unfairness' on both sides of our family due to some grandkids living nearer and seeing gps more often and being treated more often than those who live further away. Its life, not a reflection of a grandparents love. Unless money = love now.

On MN sadly it appears that money does equal love.

I can understand why this would annoy you and I understand why MIL thinks its fine. She will just be thinking oh I have a flat DG can use she won't see it as a gift or a slight towards your DD.

We had a similar issue in our family- my MIL let my BIL live in a property she owned rent free with his partner for several years they both worked really good jobs and had no children so they could afford to pay something. We at the time had two children a mortgage and I was a
student. It really grated on me that we struggled and they just were given a lovely house and going on amazing holidays. However I realised she was helping out her son as she was in the position to do so she couldn't really help us out and really it was jealousy on my part I knew I was being unreasonable but it still pissed me off.
In our case MIL has serious form for favouring BIL over DH.

Analogous examples: a grandparent might look after a grandchild living locally, but never dream of then giving cash to the other offspring living elsewhere to help cover their childcare bill. Because to them it's not "providing free childcare in lieu of cash" but simply "looking after my grandchild while mummy is at work".

Nope. Analogous example would be mother living in Liverpool, with daughter A in Glasgow and daughter B in Newcastle. Mother has a flat in Glasgow so lets daughter A live in it rent free, also paying her bills, while daughter B gets nowt. Still fair?

Does no one else think that It mau depend on the financial position of your children and grandchildren as to who you help.
For example free accommodation for one grandchild could be the difference of them attending uni or not. Whereas for another grandchild it may just be another luxury on top of what they get from their parents.

Not saying this is the case here but I do wonder if finances of offspring can impact in situations like this.
I have a friend who’s sibling is in a poor financial position, single mum with very little support. The sibling always receives much more help financial and emotional support and babysitting from their parents, and my friend can be quite bitter about this. But I always think to myself the extra cash your sister gets could be the difference between her dc getting to soft play and her dance class, or not, and an icecream at the park with her mum that kind of thing. The babysitting is the only help that they get.
For my friend, her dc do all their hobbies plus two holidays a year and she is married with inlaws to support her with babysitting.
Her children will never go without unless her circumstances change drastically.
I really can’t blame her parents for seemingly favouring one grandchild, and I don’t think that they do, I think they are just doing what they feel they have to.

Yes, absolutely.

The OP has said it's a stretch for them to support their daughter through university, so you're right: it doesn't apply in this case.
The OP's daughter is almost certain to graduate with higher levels of debt than her cousin, along with possibly having to work part time which might impact her studies. Yes, that's the case for countless students, but here we have one grandchild who is being provided for considerably by her grandmother while the other gets no help at all.

OP.....please ignore everyone who are saying YABU and stating all the reasons why.

YANBU!! Whichever way you look at it, your MIL is showing obvious favouritism to on granddaughter over the other. If I were in your shoes I would be furious.

I'm not sure furious is the right emotion as obviously its her right to do as she wants. The word I would use is sad. Sad that MIL feels this way about my dd and sad that even if she feels more for one GD, that she no qualms about showing it.

OP.....please ignore everyone who are saying YABU and stating all the reasons why.

How bloody arrogant ilovemypantry
You are saying that only the posts that agree with your point of view matter or are right.
How rude!

As many of us said if the dice had rolled the other way and it was the other niece that didn't get to stay in the flat I doubt the OP would even car or start going on about fairness.

I honestly believe that nan would have done the same for the OPs daughter had the Op'sDD gone to uni in that city.

I took my nephew out for a meal because he was in the uk and in my town. Should I send £50 quid to my two other nephews who are also in the uk at the moment but not in my town? I mean p, one got a decent meal and drinks, shouldn't the others? What about my nephews that already live in the UK? Should I send all eight of them 50 quid because I spent that on Alex.

Are there only two nieces? If there are more grandchildren why isn't the OP mad for all of them because after all one of them is getting something at the moment that they're not?

Ridiculous post! In our family if we were the ones that didn't get the flat there would be gentle teasing at family do but with no malice,'it's alright for some eh?' That kind of thing!

Sad that MIL feels this way about my dd and sad that even if she feels more for one GD, that she no qualms about showing it

I don't think you can assume that. The OP has given a tiny snap shot of the situation and for all she knows the MIL might be planning to give her GD some help towards her uni digs. Ridiculous that she's been painted as the bad one here for helping out one of her GC.

Should I send £50 quid to my two other nephews who are also in the uk at the moment but not in my town?

Right because a random meal out is totally comparable to free accommodation and bills for three years at university which if nothing else will enable the one student to focus on studies and not spend every spare hour in low paid work.

Should I send £50 quid to my two other nephews who are also in the uk at the moment but not in my town

Right because a random meal out is totally comparable to free accommodation and bills for three years at university which if nothing else will enable the one student to focus on studies and not spend every spare hour in low paid work

Ok my DM and DF looked after my being a baby until he was 12. It saved my D's 1000's.
We had two kids and at one point it was costing nearly £500 a month to have child care for our kids.
Our business went under at one point and we nearly lost our house.
Should DM and DD have given me the same value in child care? I don't think so. We didn't live the same town so it wasn't possible.
My sister got lucky.
I have already said my parents spent £140,000 on a house for one by other but the rest of us were told that he won't get anything in the inheritance. No one us falling out or bitching that one person is being treated differently. It's just circumstance at the time.
Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes it's somebody else's turn.

Ok my DM and DF looked after my being a baby until he was 12. It saved my D's 1000's.

Did they also give you cash benefits every month whilst your sister was struggling financially?

The location of the flat is what it is. Giving the additional benefits to that same beneficiary, whilst the other is struggling is not fair treatment.

DGM is entitled to do what she likes with her money but the OP and her DD are entitled to feel less value whilst they both work extra hours to manage the DD's fees and accommodation.

Did they also give you cash benefits every month whilst your sister was struggling financially?
Dad lent me £5 and I genuinely forgot about it and when he saw me 2 months later asked when he was getting it back. So no. I've had no cash benefits and no houses bought for me and no child care except for two weeks in 2004 when DP had an operation and I couldn't get rime off from work for that length.
However that's life. There's no need to exam what every one else in the family gets. I only found out recently that my sister had a £52,000 loan to help her buy her dream house but she paid it back. She's not crying about the house my brother was bought. It's different needs and circumstances at the time and if one person is favoured more than another, well toughen up and get used to live. Look at what you have and can make for yourself and stop looking over your shoulder and comparing. Life's ti bloody short to complain and be ' furious' like the OP is.

I love the saying that I'd never heard pre MN: comparison is the thief of joy. So true.

Dad lent me £5 and I genuinely forgot about it

But that is part of the point isn't it? The childcare, the flat described are benefits arising out of circumstance. Your siblings had different benefits at different times based on need.

We know here that the DD is struggling financially as many do. Lets assume the DN does as well. The free flat is a massive benefit but its chance that its useful to one and not the other. The additional cash benefits are an explicit choice to give further help to one DGC whilst not helping another who is struggling. There was an option to give the cash to the DD and so even things out a bit.

Like I said - DGM can do what she likes with the money, she can't expect everyone to feel equally valued s a result.

I would not do what the DGM has done, not because I think each should always be treated the same irrespective of need but because one child is getting double benefits whilst the other gets nothing despite struggling financially. We can hope that it might even up a bit in the future but again, in the DGMs position I'd make damned sure the other child knew that.

But that is part of the point isn't it? The childcare, the flat described are benefits arising out of circumstance. Your siblings had different benefits at different times based on need
I desperately needed that fiver at the time. Our buisness had collapsed and we were in fear if losing our house. I was begrudge a fiver which I borrowed when i went to visit them. As soon as dad lent me the money I nipped to the co op to get some nappies.

I could sit and think I e had a poor do from parents and get bitter about it but as I said life's to short. I'm accountable for myself and my family. If any good luck comes our way - fantastic but I'm not going to belly ache about other people's treatment even if it does seem unfair.

I can see why you're unhappy. It would have been fairer if she charged one grandaughter a reduced rent and then gave this amount to the other granddaughter towards her rent. This would have had the same financial impact on the grandmother and shared the benefit equally.