AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

I thought you were being very unreasonable, and actually pretty miserable, until you mentioned that she's paying the bills too.
That changes everything.

Just the flat - Giving something you happen to have at no cost to yourself, to someone else to help them is simply a nice thing to do. It was wrong of you to feel jealous here.

But - add in the bills, and that's Actively giving cash to pay for bills to one gc and not the other. That is weirdly unfair.

She’s not sending any subliminal “message” to op’s dd. Don’t be silly.

So if your DD had gone to that uni but the other grandchild hadn't I'm sure you would be happy for your DD to use the flat, obviously. But would you have been so vocal about the othe GC and how you feel she is being treat different.
I think you are moaning that it just hasn't gone in your famlies favour.

It is just circumstantial and on this occasion the other kid got lucky.

Your DD could leave her current course, her friends and her "shit hole flat" and move to the other uni city and flat share.

Giving something you happen to have at no cost to yourself, to someone else to help them is simply a nice thing to do.

Except she's not giving something at no cost to herself as she is forfeiting the rent that she normally gets for the flat.

Im postive that she will help out your other DD when she needs it. Its just circumstance I think...she isnt throwing money at your DD, shes helping out practically as she is in a position to do so. Is she one for practicalities?
Mayve when your other DD spots a car she likes, or needs some help towards a deposit she may help with that.

My niece lived with me for free for some time and I covered her bills. Just chance that she moved to the town I live in for work. I was happy to do this. Had I spare property would also have been happy to loan it out (assuming I could afford to do so). However, I wouldn’t have expected to male a contribution to rent or otherwise pay for accommodation for my other nieces / nephews, even though I could perhaps afford to do so

I see your point op. If I was that grandmother, I'd either find some way to help out the other gc or charge that gc a reduced rent and give that to other gc.

My dp's grandmother put money aside to give to each of her dgc as they bought their first home. She gave each gc the same amount.

OP, I know it feels unfair. But whatever you do, don't have a moan at your DMIL. That will only make things difficult for everyone.

Bills will be.minimal as granddaughter will not pay council tax. Thus it is costing Gran less to run it than she was when it was empty.

What city is your DD going to and what city is DN going to?

Op when you say the GP isn’t ‘really’ giving your daughter any help. Is she giving her anything at all? If she isn’t giving her anything thing then I agree you have every right to be annoyed.
She is making a difference as she is loosing money to give the flat for free.
Why is it ok helping one grandchild by giving her free rent, while not helping the other?

Yes it is her money and flat/and yes it is treating two granddaughters differently, which imo is unfair. If she'd let niece pay a little she could contribute that (discretely) to your daughter and even it out a little.
Has she treated them differently in the past?

The fact is her husband recently died. Maybe she doesn't want the hassle of being a landlord. (Ut and tenants can be a PITA). Is the flat one that the grandparents used occasionally in which case it simply is having a guest there.

Selling the business is a red herring as this may in effect be her pension.

YABU. It's between them.

The flat situation is what it is. But to pay the bills for one and not the other is blatant favouritism. I'd be pissed off too.

YABU and grabby.

HTH

@theymademejoin - my understanding was that the mil doesn't need the money of the rental. With the flat alone,imo she was just doing a nice thing because she could. Are people not allowed to do nice things for one another, without making sure that everyone else they know on the same level gets something too?

YANBU and I think it's very hurtful when a parent or in-law favours another grandchild over yours

YABU. Why don’t you get your DD to the same university then they can share. Bosh problem solved.

The grandma probably hasn't even thought about treating anyone unfairly here. This isn't a tit for tat thing.
Our niece stayed with us over the summer for a few weeks. I, happily, paid for her days out, food, provided a bed etc without a second thought. It probably cost us about £200 to host her now I think about it. Should I be phoning up my other nieces/nephews to offer them £200? I can afford it.
It hasn't occurred to me, and I don't think I should. Isn't that the same thing?

My sister in law gets weekly help with childcare from her parents saving her hundreds in nursery fees. We get nothing as we don't live near them so it's not practical. C'est la vie.

Jesus Christ. You sound very grabby and entitled. It’s your niece for gods sake! Your daughter isn’t even in the same area. And you expected some form of ‘compensation’ - monetary I suppose to make up for your daughters ‘loss’ in the flat?

I think that MIL hadn't thought it through? There are a few ways she could have helped both dgc - she could have charged half the normal cost of weekly uni accommodation to the grandchild in the flat and given the other grandchild that money towards her accommodation. Thereby both kids get a still get significant help.

Yabu

You sound so entitled.

Although you state you're taking the comments on board, you've repeatedly mentioned that she is wealthy. Which indicates you're not really taking the comments on board.

You should perhaps let this go and bring your DD up to work hard for the things she wants in life. It may work in her favour in the long run.

Paying her own rent and bills will probably equip her with good financial skills she will need in life. Whereas your niece may not have the same understanding once she comes out of uni.

It may seem unfair because you've taken it personally and you're embroiled in this (understandable) but on the outside it just seems to make sense to hand the flat to your niece whilst she studies in the area where the flat is located.

The fact that your mil will lose money in rent shouldn't bother you if it doesn't bother the person who's losing the rent. Financial decisions regarding her own money shouldn't be of your concern. It's her money.

You should perhaps focus on how you can help your daughter? And stop thinking about how OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD help your daughter.

Your daughter is your responsibility.

Trying not to sound harsh - we are in a similar position where by niece gets more than our kids but our understanding is that mil should be able to choose how she spends her money. Also we understand that she is a good grandma to our kids and they adore her. She is fun and loving.

To start a war of words over money will in effect ruin the relationship. The relationship is far more important than the money aspect.

We provide for our kids and expect nothing from others. Anything they do get is a nice surprise.

And believe me I do understand . When one drops 1k on one grandchild and £20 on another it seems unfair. But the kids don't have an understanding of money. They enjoy their toys and more importantly the company.

Tickles and a game of boo lasts hours and they talk about it for days. Toys don't get the same attention.

Hopefully you see what I'm trying to get at.

YABU...her money her choices end of.