AIBU to be annoyed that MIL is giving niece a free flat during university?

[breezeanddaisy]

Hi,

I've namechanged for obvious reasons.

My daughter and her cousin both started university this year. They're both at different ones.

My MIL owns a flat that usually gets rents out, but since the last tenant left, she has left it empty and ready for when her other grandchild started university (as it's in the same town as the university she got a place at/wanted to go). She gets it for nothing, so it's free for her.

My DD is in pretty shitty accommodation and MIL hasn't really given anything to her to make it fair.

AIBU?

Yes she is covering bills too

So one grandchild gets free accommodation and a financial contribution and the other grandchild gets nothing?

Unless there is some other material difference which the DGM is trying to compensate for that seems rather one sided.

My youngest brother's daughter goes to university next year and I've already committed to helping her out with her fees.

I have nephews and another niece who didn't go to university - should I be expected to bung them a cash equivalent?

I actually think you're getting a hard time here.

Conservatively (say flat could get £500 rent on open market), cousin is saving £3,600 a year; £10,800 over three years. In many places much more.

As a parent or grandparent, I personally wouldn't be happy with giving one grandchild such a leg up and not the other.

If I was kind enough (and well-off enough) to be helping in this way (which would be extremely generous), I'd be thinking the flat could be rented out and the money split between the two girls (taking away any money needed for maintenance etc).

Just my view though. Others obviously think differently.

I would have killed for a flat, but we don't have that sort of assets, I think the niece with a flat is very lucky- and it's not unfair, it's making use of an available asset to help someone else, most uni accommodation is shitty, but you survive- and if it's truly terrible, dangerously so, report to the uni and they have to move you to somewhere more appropriate- I speak from experience!!

Should say though - I agree a first year student would have a much better time in halls, and also I might think differently if there was a massive difference in wealth between the two families.

Look it's her money, she can do what she likes with it. Etc., etc.

It's also unfair for her to give a massive help to one GD and not to the other.

Therefore, she's demonstrating her right to give unbalanced levels of help to her grandchildren, probably make one of them feel hurt and resentful and risk damaging the relationships in her family.

YABU to complain to her, but YANBU to privately think that she is an unfair, old cow.

Covering bills for one and not the other is very unfair. What does your SIL and BIL think about this?

It smacks of favouritism imo.
If I was your DD and my grandma did this I'd be upset, as she shouod be paying rent at least.

Your niece will be quite lonely in a flat by herself. Tbh I think your dd will be much happier in a student shithole.

You are being unreasonable.
Presumably your niece is at uni within easy reach of the flat, so it makes sense.

Had it been the other way around, your daughter might have been occupying it. Would you think it unreasonable for your bro and sis in law to be irked by that?

For goodness sake don't be resentful, it achieves nothing. Be glad for your niece. Your MIL may well do something good for your daughter in time but atm what she did for your niece is commendable.

I get where you are coming from it is unequal. However I'm not sure what she could do. I think people are being pretty harsh once again.

Wow, I'm amazed at the responses you've had here. Although MN does have issues with anyone expecting any money from any family members, ever...

I would have thought this was at best thoughtless - of course your MIL can't magic up a flat in the town your dd is at university, but clearly she is giving a massive financial advantage to one child, and not to the other. I get what people are saying about it potentially being a bit of a poisoned chalice (better to be in halls/sharing etc) but providing accommodation and paying bills for one grandchild whilst giving the other nothing would rankle with me too.

I'm with RedCorvette think you're getting a really hard time and I definitely see why you think it's unfair.

The grandmother is happy to give up a rental income for 3 years, which in purely financial terms will have a cash value equivelant which only one grandchild is benefitting from. Your DD can't benefit from the flat, so I don't think it would be unreasonable that the grandparent would possibly help them out with a financial contribution. However it's obviously up to her to do this, and she either can't/won't/hasn't even realised the ill feeling her (lovely to be fair!) gesture towards one grandchild would cause.

I think your MIL is being unfair on your DD. Unfortunately she can’t help with the flat, but if she’s covering bills for your niece as well and not helping your DD similarly, I can see why you’re annoyed. I’d be pissed off too.

yabvu, her apartment, her choice

I think the fairest way in this situation would be for your mil to contribute towards the bills for your daughter whilst providing free accommodation for the other granddaughter. As the first gd is receiving free accommodation she doesn't require her bills to be paid imo.

I think you are getting a hard time here.

If I was the grandmother I would have charged your niece something like half the usual rate for the flat (if that is affordable for her) and then given some money to your DD to help her get something better.

I was about to pile in - but bless you OP for taking on board the comments.

When I was 17 my grandad gave me his car, because he was getting a new one. It had no sale value due to it's age but was priceless to me. He only had one car, and I happened to be in need. My cousin turned 17 the following year. My aunty asked my grandad when he was going to buy him a car. My grandad simply replied that he had something of use to me at the right time, he did not have anything of use to my cousin right now but may do in the future. My aunty went nuts at him.

This has resulted in him since scraping several cars when various grandkids could have made use of them, but he feels as he can't give us all the same thing at the same time then he can't give it at all.

Don't do that to your MIL. She's done a nice thing for one grandchild because she can. She can't give it to the other because she hasn't got it to give. Why should both lose out?

@breezeanddaisy is there any chance your MIL just hasn’ Thought if an acceptable way of making it a bit fairer (rather than just handing over cash). Trying to give the benefit of doubt here.
Could you suggest to her that at the mo it’s a buyers market for property and how about, when your DD gas a group of friends, buying something for her to live in and manage (getting rent from friends) from 2nd year onwards? Good investment, ok return and in Uni towns there are usually furnushed houses up fior sale when kids finish their degrees.

@sodabreadjam totally agree, that would be a much fairer compromise for both students

YANBU, it's her money/flat to do with as she pleases but I think she is being unfair. Yes the other DGD is at uni there but it sounds as though she didn't let out the flat on purpose just to allow her other DG to stay in it.

Personally I think it would have been fairer to let it out as before but to split the rental income between both DGDs equally.

YABU. If it was your dc uni town they’d have the same deal. It’s not though. The fact you want your dc compensated is actually unbelievable.